Recently, Jay-Z took to twitter and announced some "#NewRules" about the rap game.
Recently, Jay-Z took to twitter and announced some "#NewRules" about the rap game.
If 1 Million records gets SOLD and billboard doesnt report it, did it happen? Ha. #newrules #magnacartaholygrail Platinum!!! VII IV XIII
— Mr. Carter (@S_C_) June 17, 2013
Kanye West "lead single" projected on buildings worldwide #newrules #magnacartaholygrail
— Mr. Carter (@S_C_) June 17, 2013
J Cole app for listening session. Don't talk just listen..#newrules
— Mr. Carter (@S_C_) June 17, 2013
Where did he come up with these "new rules"? Need you even ask? Illuminati headquarters, of course. We were interested in learning what other order might be coming down the pike, so we sent a hummingbird drone in through their windows and discovered some VERY INTERESTING information. Get ready for the New World Order. These are the #NewRules: The Real Rules of Rap in 2013.
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#NewRule: All rap vocals must be recorded through autotune.
(There are no exceptions to this rule.)
#NewRule: All rap videos must recieve a rating of at least "XXX" by the Motion Picture Association of America.
(BET Uncut 2K13.)
#NewRule: Rappers are exempt from paying taxes.
(Apparently, someone needs to remind the IRS about this rule.)
#NewRule: If someone is being beaten on camera, whip out your phone and yell "Worldstar!"
(Definitely don't try to help them. That's not hip-hop.)
#NewRule: Rap fans must constantly determine who is "saving" rap and who is "destroying" it.
(You're right. Music you don't like is ruining the genre, while the music you do like is all that stands between civilization and the barbarian hordes.)
#NewRule: Rappers are to clear all song lyrics, public statements, fashion choices, and travel plans with corporate sponsors' PR depertaments at least two weeks in advance.
(It doesn't matter if this betrays your principles, your persona, or the interests of your fanbase. Your corporate sponsors are your real fans now.)
#NewRule: Racism is bad, unless it's against Asians.
(Your eyes are not "Chinese," you're just fucking high.)
#NewRule: All new music is to be released on the Internet between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM, when it is most inconvenient for the Complex news writing staff.
(s/o @Drake.)
#NewRule: Rappers should always read their press, and act all aggy about it on a public stage if they don't like it.
(Then read every single YouTube comment. Twice.)
#NewRule: The best person to manage a rapper's music career is definitely a close childhood friend or neighborhood dope boy.
(What could go wrong?)
#NewRule: All rap albums or mixtapes must contain at least three snippets of dialogue from the movie Scarface.
(Say hello to my little cliche.)
#NewRule: The best rap journalism is about trawling for pageviews with endless numbered lists.
(Hey, we didn't make up these rules. But we have to follow them like everybody else.)
#NewRule: Up-and-coming rap artists must harrass at least twenty innocent strangers a day by sending them struggle raps over Twitter.
("Started From the Bottom" is about how Drake used to spam the fuck out of Lil Wayne's mentions.)
#NewRule: Everything was better in the '90s.
(In a few years, this rule will change to "Everything was better in the '00s.")
#NewRule: Rappers' success is based on Illuminati membership.
(Seriously. No one can deny this rule. The signs are all RIGHT THERE!!!)
#NewRule: All rappers are required to dickride the five most popular rappers at a given time and steadfastly refrain from criticizing them.
(Just don't get caught.)
#NewRule: Rap fans are to express shock and outrage if someone likes a different style or region of rap music than they do.
(Then post about it in our comments section. Over and over and over again.)
#NewRule: If any rapper's name includes an "S," it must be replaced with a dollar $ign.
(Rule$ are rule$.)
#NewRule: Rappers are required to serve as an advertising and marketing wing for the pharmaceutical industry.
(How long until everyone's double cups are marked up like NASCAR automobiles?)
