15 Ways You're Being A Jerk And Don't Even Know It

Most of the time, you think you are perfect little dolls as boyfriends. And you are! But then again, I'm not dating you, because this is the Internet and I am actually a 45-year-old Norse troll dubstep musician named Rungnir.

But even though we aren’t dating, I bet I could tick off a big barrel of ways you’re being an absolute rat without even realizing it! I can already see your comment wheels spinning: “We CAnaaAN’T do ANYthing WRRiIIght!” Well, you definitely can’t spell, but other than that, surprisingly, there are really only 15 other things you’re doing wrong. So, how are you being an unwitting dick? Let me count the ways...

“Nothing’s wrong!!!!” she whispers as she sets fire to her apartment using a gasoline-soaked sexy investment piece. Which is great, because now you can go back to watching Tweet My Dad, where Ashton Kutcher is about to reveal to Justin Timberlake that he was totally kidding about that cancer scare being benign and he’s actually going to die.

How many times has your girlfriend said, “I hate surprises, because I’m not one of those girls, and instead I opt to nod like, “Yeahhhh, that’s a basketball that is shaped like a football” and I wear sweatshirts because I am working out and on a lot of TicTacs my friend told me were Adderall just like A GUY”? And then you’re like, “Hey, except that’s not a basketball, but my new iZune”? And she’s like, “You’re so MEAN” and then stomps off to her Advanced Acting for Fancy Feast Commercials class? Just let it be.

Also, she totally loves surprises.

Hoarding is great, because it is a super easy way to get a TV special and heaven knows we all want a TV special where a woman with soft, shiny hair nods and says, “Did your Dad do that a lot?” like a thousand times. But this doesn’t mean you need to keep your clothing to yourself. Maybe you don’t want your girlfriend borrowing all your SHIRTS to wear with her miniskirts, but turns out, you do! So hand over that Gant haberdashery and say, “I just figured out a way for you to nail the borrowed-from-the-boys look.”

It's for something really important I can’t tell you about right now, but I promise I will PayPal it back to you in like, two weeks, three weeks tops.

Like let’s say you’re in the worst, most doomed relationship of all time with a girl who loves Burger King’s French Fry Burger. You should make a valiant effort to like Burger King’s French Fry Burger, because then things will improve and she’ll say, “Move in together?” And you’ll say, “Yes, because you are the only other person I know who likes Burger King’s French Fry Burger.”

She’s trying super hard to win you back by wearing costumes to non-costume parties and buying an orange laptop, and you’ve got some old time Connecticut slampiece on your arm who’s all, “WHAt’s motorboating??? I do go sailing though!!!” so you’re like, “Not now!” But suddenly, she is fighting a lawsuit in court at the end of her first year of law school, like Atticus Finch in a hot pink suit, with her chihuahua hanging out in her handbag like, “I aced Intro 2 Torts!” And only now are you like, “Alright, maybe.” She’s already going to be dating the non-famous Jonas brother, Jaceyon, whose dinner table catchphrase in kindergarten was, “Destined for greatness!” Something to think about!

We all love sandwiches, and like 95% of the world’s sandwiches are eaten by me, but for some reason, you guys are like universally all about sandwiches, sandwiches for dinner, sandwiches for lunch, sandwiches for breakfast and snacktime and the meal “McLunchy” you and your girlfriend cutely made up because oh my god that’s awful let’s never talk again. Make like a gal and have a giant glass of juice for a meal once in a while!

I am smart enough to know that responding to each of the million texts she sends you, and not waiting a billion years to do it, is simply not in the picture for anyone. But every woman needs a little mid-afternoon pick-me-up from her ball et chain. She is probably fuming everyday at 3 PM that you haven't responded to, "taquitos or wine for dinner??" but imagine how she'll glow (not in the pregnant way) when you ask her how her day is going? Bonus: this gets you out of responding to, "also, do you think Chandler from Friends would HATE me???"

You should totally do this! It will make her feel included, and not at all like maybe you can’t stand the way all her sentences sound like questions and honestly you’ve been thinking about getting back together with that Christmas Ham you dumped a few months ago. Regardless: when you do this, you should be the one working, not her. Tell your friends STUFF! about her beforehand, and tell her STUFF! about them beforehand, and then be, I dunno, I guess they say, “polite,” and facilitate conversations. Tell some story about the time she did something awesome, or be like, “Did you guys know COURTNEY rock climbs?” or something. This will make everyone happier and more relaxed.

It’s clear you feel you need to be right, and feel you are always right, saying, as you always are, “Yeah, well, I just want to point out, that that’s basically what I said to begin with.” The problem is that you’re usually not right, and rather than dropping this obnoxious habit, you should probably just work on being right more, which would be of great help to me, who usually has no idea what is going on, like when presented with an airplane and a salad, I could not tell you which is which, and ideally I would like you to point out after 20 minutes of debate that you said in the beginning the airplane was an airplane.

Unless you achieve a worldwide level of fame, you will live the rest of your life in a room of Tiger Beat tear-outs of her favorite Hoarders heart throb. Women seek to be surrounded by success, so at least adopt the masculine arrogance of an actor (though not a politician, for they are notorious lotharios).

Your girlfriend may DVR the world’s worst show or movie and just cry. You should not make fun of her for this, or reveal that in reality, some dogs actually to hell.

When I was researching because jernalizm, a lot of girls were all, “He’s always leaving a trail of junk wherever he goes!” That conjured an image of a man with a big sack dropping gifts and toys and pans all over the place, which sounds super fun, but I dunno, I guess if it’s all over the internet that means don’t do it!

If men are dogs, women are cats, and the internet exists just for cats. So she is a shoe-in for an ace meme. Definitely make a gif of some weird moment from her birthday party with the caption “BIRTHDAY MEME” and then put it all over Reddit and Tumblr and Twitter and Grindr. I guess probably don’t do this.