Welcome to New York! So, you have a job-esque thing and an apartment (or at least a sofa to crash on), and maybe a few friends from college who are working in mysteriously overpaid marketing roles who want to drag you to a bar with FREE SHOTS in the East Village—you’re going to be a star!

Except for the fact that you’re not. If you’re going to make this town yours, you’ll need a few more characters—and I don’t mean the confidantes who sit on a big purple couch with you and drink coffee all day, because lol, in your dreams. I’m talking about the stock characters that will turn this rosy period of your life into memoir material: actors, designers, roommates who steal from you, bartenders with tattoos of your name, people who live in big apartments (…with their parents), people who live in closets (with two significant others), PR chicks, sexy baristas, other baristas, #lifestyle #blogger #s, and people who are famous, and people who just think they are famous. They may not be your friends for life—you may not even know some of their names!—but these are the people who will fill your cosmopolitan existence with joy and happiness, envy and pain, drinks and free drinks.

Among that maddening crowd, there are very particular New York archetypes you are bound encounter during your tenure here—whether it’s lifelong or just a few months. They may seem unusual or even shocking at first—but just know, their presence is as reliable as the J train is not. They are as varied as a packet of Skittles, and no one knows where all their money comes from or what…exactly…they do? But one thing’s for sure: They’re all going to tell you which Girls cast member went to their high school.

Let’s meet your new friends!