American Pride Hits Record Low Just in Time for Fourth of July

Wow. Who would have imagined that patriotism, a concept that basically demands you be proud of wherever you randomly happened to be born, was a sham?

Image via Getty/Chris Kleponis/Pool

Unsurprisingly, the amount of people brain-dead enough to still consider themselves "proud" to be an American is on the decline. The current alleged POTUS, after all, is the guy pictured above seemingly trying to ingest his own tongue as if it were a Filet-O-Fish sandwich drizzled in urine.

A new Gallup poll shows that less than three-quarters of Americans are down with the inherently inane concept of patriotism, CNNreported Monday. The starkest drop is seen among Democrats, just 32 percent of whom consider themselves proud. That's down from 43 percent in 2017 and 56 percent in 2013, respectively. Republicans, meanwhile, are apparently cool with the current state of fuckery, as a whopping 74 percent of those doofuses listed themselves as "extremely proud."


All told, the 47 percent of those polled who said they are "extremely proud" to be an American marks a new low in the 18-year history of this particular Gallup poll. In fact, this is the first time fewer than a majority have said they are feeling pride about the country in which they just so happened to be born.

The release of this poll was excellently timed, as tomorrow is the Fourth of July. Instead of blindly participating in red, white, and blue propaganda, I personally recommend just getting blackout drunk and/or inconsolably high, grilling up your preferred meal, then blasting "F.D.T." on repeat until your neighbors have been driven to the brink of outright insanity. Then, smash a bunch of Trump piñatas with your closest friends right in the middle of the street.

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