2014 Winter Olympics Preview

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Complex Original

Image via Complex Original

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Out of all the Olympics, the winter ones are easily my second favorite, and after four long years, the Sochi Games are finally here. If you’ve been paying attention to the news at all, you’ve probably only heard Sochi associated with corruption, geopolitical conflict and human rights violations. All that stuff is pretty important, but let’s be honest, SPORTS. We watch the Olympics for the spirit of the games. We watch the Olympics for teamwork, for courage. We watch the Olympics because it’s 3am, you’re drunk and luge is on. You are voluntarily watching luge. The Vancouver games are a distant memory, so I’ve written a refresher on the various rule changes and new events. As well, I’ve included a look at the financial aspects of the games, particularly a few of the more controversial budget items.

New Events:

-Field Hockey, But On Ice

-Pin The Birthmark On The Gorbachev

-Snowboard Trick Naming

-The 5000 Word Think Piece

-Issue Ignoring

-Ironic “In Soviet Russia” Joke Making

-Costas Tossing

-Putin Admiring


-Insane Dashcam Video Watching

-Abject Sorrow

-Figuring Out The Difference Between Luge And Skeleton

-Cross Country Snowboarding

Rule Changes:

-Alpine Skiing: Yeti from SkiFree will roam the course.

-Biathlon: Targets replaced with stray dogs.

-Bobsleigh: Underdog Jamaican team required to cross finish line while carrying sled.

-Cross-Country Skiing: Somehow more boring.

-Curling: Participants required to ride brooms like those idiots who play real life Quidditch.

-Short-Track Speedskating: Track is now…shorter? I don’t fucking know.

-Ice Dancing: Judges encouraged to yawn exaggeratedly.

-Freestyle Skiing: Flips banned.

-Ski Jumping: No longer allowed to use jetpacks.

-Figure Skating: Participants must wear tracksuits.

-Luge: Nobody allowed to die this time.

Sochi Budget:

-$17 on anti-corruption taskforce.

-$11.3 billion on anti-anti-corruption taskforce.

-$3.8 billion on small wooden bridge that maybe, like, two people will use.

-$5.2 billion on shitty cigarettes.

-$129 million on Fabergé eggs to throw at protestors.

-$76 million on massive public WiFi network named “Very safe. Please to use.”

-$27 million on a humorous set of nesting dolls featuring modern celebrities.

-$215 million on never-ending ski lift for political dissidents.

-$1.7 billion on Siberian tiger breeding program.

-$3.6 billion on Siberian tiger hunting range.

-$17 on anti-corruption taskforce.

-$0 on Joke Repetition Detection software.

-$9.6 billion on 10 billion dollars.

I hope my preview helps get you up to speed in time for the opening ceremonies, which will literally feature tATu, and, no, I'm not lying. Enjoy the new sports, new rules and insane lack of spending oversight. And remember, when you’re watching the Olympics, it’s not about who wins or loses, it’s about who wins.

Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here.

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