Ahhh, The Oscars. What an occasion to celebrate the accomplishments in filmmaking from the past year, right? Or is it more of an excuse to just watch a full-blown circle jerk of celebrities congratulating and big-upping one another who they actually hate behind the scenes? Either way, it's six whole fucking hours of mostly boring ass television that really isn't worth it. BUT if you're looking for elegance and beauty, this is the place to be. The stars were out last night and a bunch of them were really sexy looking cosmic entities who would force even the most self-aggrandizing individuals like us to shrink into cowering lames. Let's check out who looked good and separate them from the corniest lords this side of Camelot.
1. oscars lead
2. Margot robbie
Margot Robbie
Why would we not start out with a bang? Or at least someone we totally want to bang. Come on now, this shit just isn't fair. Though her next movie, Focus with Will Smith, makes us think she was on drugs just for taking that role. Gawdess level infinity.
3. Scar Jo
4. cotillard
5. J moore
6. kerry washington
7. ansel
8. Rosamund pike
9. lupita
10. 87th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals
11. anna kendrick
12. streep
13. kevin hart
14. leto
15. oyelewo
David Oyelowo
This is a very aggressive D&G matador tux and a shade or two too bright, but fuck it. This is superior to seeing another navy tux on the red carpet. Props to Oyelowo, who also has an obscenely fun name to say out loud. Try it.
16. benedict
Benedict Cumberbatch
Most wildly punchable face in the game, but, like, one of the nicest dudes it seems. You should really see The Imitation Game because that shit was fire.
17. travolta
18. gaga
19. REESE
20. pine
21. emma stone
22. will i am
23. j lo
24. keira
25. cooper
Bradley Cooper
American Sniper was shut out from all the major categories because there is a God. Is it just me or is anyone else completely sick of seeing Bradley Cooper in non-shitting-in-a-garbage-can-in-Wedding-Crashers roles? Homie is just so smug.
26. john and chrissy
27. miles teller
Miles Teller and A Bratz Doll
Miles Teller plays a drummer in Whiplash and it's an extremely accurate rendition considering this is definitely the caliber of straggler a drummer usually pulls once everyone but the bassist get's his D wet.
28. keaton
Michael Keaton
Keaton is a fucking god and the best Batman. Fight me about it! The cut on the tux here is a bit wonky, but looked good on camera. Plus, Birdman won Best Picture. Ain't no one raining on the cool uncle's parade even if he got robbed by some up and coming rapper named Red Mayne.
29. carrell
30. nph grey
31. eddie redmayne
Eddie Redmayne
Eddie, you just played Stephen Hawking. You aren't him in real life. I think you can stand up straight on your own.
32. Terrence-Howard-intense-Teleprompter-Fail-at-Oscars-2015-VIDEO
Terrence Howard
Okay, "most heavily on drugs" was definitely Lucious Lyon himself without a single fucking doubt. Djay from Hustle & Flow had the molly sweats so hard that he bailed effortlessly and gloriously when the teleprompter assed out.