Image via Complex Original
1.
The real cornerstones of streetwear are the brick and mortar stores. These "Fortresses of Susitude" are the hollowed grounds where the proverbial "streetz" meet the literal "wear." Streetwear stores are the finish line at the end of your two day long sneaker urban camp out session—shops not only run by the sages of the street, but experts and scholars of customer service. So, when you've saved up all your shiny monies to go drop $60 on a T-shirt, you better be greeted by the best customer service in the Milky Fucking Way, right? Nah, dawgs.
Instead, you're going to treated like you have leprosy and you just walked into a Comcast Customer Complaint Center. Now you feeling real tight. Like, tighter than Kim K's cheek skin. But you ain't no punk. You're gonna say something. I mean, not at the store. And, no, definitely not to an actual employee. You're going to turn to the realest street shit you can: Yelp.
Yelp has, and will always be, the forum for failed anythings to complain about shit that has never mattered. Thus, it was only natural that I figured it would be a gold mine of #feelz for when streetwear consumer warriors found that they were not given a soldier's parade for their patronage. Here are 10 such amazing cases.
Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.
2.yelpstreetwearreview
3.1yelp
The Hundreds (LA)
I feel like this review ain't even specific enough. Like, how am I supposed to really know you even went into The Hundreds? This sounds like you just walked into any Jack In The Box in the history of evers.
4.2yelp
Supreme (LA)
The difference between a Supreme review and your local Kinko's is impossible to distinguish. If you think you can walk into either establishment and someone is going to make direct eye contact and say the words, "How may I help you?" then please give me all of the drugs you are on so I can get on those levels of delusion.
5.3yelp
Supreme (LA)
What we have here is a UC Irvine freshmen student's SCATHING review of the service or, should we say, LACK THEREOF at Supreme. Did they really think they were gonna fool Andy J. Da Godson?
Andy done already seent through your veil of "corporate hostility" and is not pleased with this staff of "disrespectful try-hards". Andy J. Buckwalter says, "Good day, gentlemen." HE SAID, "GOOD DAY, SIR!"
6.4yelp
Supreme (LA)
After the first 5 words shouldn't you stop writing? Like, if this was a taco spot and you said, "First off, I don't eat here" I'd stop reading the shit negative 5 seconds ago. Do you care that much about the scarcity of retail customer service?
She then ends the shit like she's Yelp's Judge Judy with the "FINAL VERDICT" and the ill poem/riddle 1-2 combination punch.
This is the highest level of Yelp writing ever achieved. I bet this chick would have given heaven just 2 and a 1/2 stars. "The eternity was great, but I felt like the Messiah was just a bit too trendy and contrived."
7.5yelp
ALIFE (NYC)
BOOM!
How you gonna come back from that, dawgs? Kwame just extincted your brand's entire history with his one generalized statement of fiscal theory.
He ain't even trying to say "the prices" are whack. He just went straight in and skipped the "the."
"Oh y'all got prices? FUCK THAT B."
8.6yelp
Flight Club (NYC)
Wow.
I'm not exactly sure why this isn't bigger news, but if I am reading this right, David is able to predict the actual ass future. He reviewed Flight Club (a respectable 3 whole stars, mind you) without ever having stepped foot in the spot.
That's some crazy next level shit. I wonder if he can tell us what the iPhone 6 is gonna be like.
9.7yelp
DQM (NYC)
Ummmmmm, that's a bit extreme don't you think, bud?
What sort of masochist says a store rapes you and then buys something? Not to mention, BACON Air Max 90's?
Swine, my brutha?
Shaking my damn head.
10.8yelp
The Hundreds (NYC)
Michael O. is a 10 year deep loyalist. Let that shit soak up into your leopard print bucket hat, shun.
10 years for a clothing brand is basically infinity, Mike.
That isn't loyalty, that's marriage. You are married to the Hundreds?
I can't even commit to breathing for 10 years, let alone commit to a clothing brand that makes you look like the Warner Bros. characters in baggy jeans with backwards hats.
Mike was feeling a certain type of way, so he went straight to the top and addressed his grievances directly to the founders by name. You prolly ruined their whole day with that shit. 10 years of brand loyalty dashed away by the new girl's "snooty" attitude just like that.
11.9yelp
Supreme (NYC)
Welp Johnson, after that banger of a first sentence we know we are in for a real treat by this non-skating Asian. But he quickly makes up for it with an apology on behalf of the entire community of skateboarders in the New York City area.
I like how he lists Kermit The Frog as a person they've "worked with." DDDDDDDDDDDawgie, that's a fucking puppet.
A PUPPET.
Also, dude has to be in the running for Time Magazine's FUCCBOI OF THE YEAR for Yelp reviewing a store, while waiting in the line at said store.
12.10yelp
Diamond Supply Co. (LA)
RIP Diamond. You had a good run, guys. Once word gets out that your store is smelly that's pretty much game over for y'all.
Shitty customer service is a dime a dozen in the streetwear retail world, but odor? Now that's some never forgive type shit.