Image via Complex Original
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Remember a few years ago—think hard, the memory's probably repressed—when our Blogspots clogged undersea Internet cables with the words "buy less, buy better"? We thought: "Look at all this timeless Americana, ma. I know those Quoddy boat shoes cost four Benjamin Franklins, but I can wear them the rest of my life." We were so full of shit that if we got an enema we would've fit into a matchbox. No, ace boon coons, we grew tired of that look. Our eyes wandered. The style gland, like the stomach, wants a varied diet. "Buy less, buy better" turned into "buy better, flip later," and all our old trends have been laid to rest in the graveyard of our closet floors, or given a Viking funeral down the East River. So, let's look back, now, on #menswear’s fallen trends a la the buzzkill portion of the Oscars.
Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.
2.obitlead
3.polo
Polo Shirts, 1927-2010
After a century of adorning the backs of everyone from Nick Carraway to Toby Maguire, the polo shirt has been laid to rest. At the memorial, Ralph Lauren leapt onto the flaming funeral pyre, but he was later found unharmed, as is typical when your skin is made of Jack Link's beef jerky.
4.leatherjoggingpants
Leather Jogging Pants, 2012-2013
Leather jogging pants' tombstone (commissioned by DONDA) speaks for itself. I quote liberally from it:
"Here lies the first pair of pants to set foot on Mars, worn by the first man who fucked the first woman to set foot on Mars. The two were married and their children, also clad in leather jogging pants, defended and saved planet Earth in the Great Interstellar War. Leather jogging pants are credited with directly influencing the invention of warp drive, the cure for cancer, the Eternal Kitten and three new emotions. Leather jogging pants died doing what it loved: inciting arguments over their practicality. And, actually, leather jogging pants aren't in this here tomb, but this is easier to visit. They were loaded into a golden Saturn V rocket and shot into the sun, where they spend most of their time as plasma. They were truly the greatest article of clothing ever produced, thus spoketh Zarathustra, amen."
It's a long epitaph, but it's also on a tombstone that's 20 miles high, and the text is back-lit. At the bottom of the tombstone is a visitor center with pizza, Grey Goose and IMAX theaters that show the "Runaway" short film, 24 hours a day, for free. The average daily attendance of visitors paying their respects is estimated at 20,000.
5.mewlery
Mewlery, 2010-2013
Mewelry—or #Menship bracelets, as they’re known around this reporter's apartment—succumbed to its long battle with askance looks and taunting whispers. Mewlery's few remaining supporters allege it faked its death and still lives amongst us in disguise. These same supporters have cited several photographs as evidence, all of which were dismissed after experts discovered the photos had been doctored.
6.bowties
Bow Ties, 2008-2010
We regret to announce that bow ties died unexpectedly in late 2010. Bow tie fans were in shock following the incident, but were given a modicum of closure when the coroner, a few days later, confirmed this reporter's suspicions that they were, in fact, "done to death." The bow tie was 486 years old.
7.espadrilles
Espadrilles, 2009-2012
After being born with life-threatening defects to begin with, Espadrilles passed away three years later than this reporter thought they would. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you make a donation to the Sharp Cheese Feet Foundation, founded in memory of the summer footwear.
8.parody
Fashion Parody T-Shirts, June 2012-December 2012
Fashion parody tees perished doing what they loved: inciting smirks, but never full-on laughs. This reporter sympathizes.
9.boatshoe
Boat Shoes, 2005-2011
We regret to announce the sudden death of boat shoes, which, in 2011, were ground to powder by the ever-turning wheels of time. The deceased’s Last Will and Testament contained one sentence: "Lay me to rest in the place I was born: the sea." To which boat shoes' fans said: "Hold up. People actually wore boat shoes on boats?"
10.vest
Vests, 2007-2010
The vest, once rumored to be immortal, was found dead in its home late last week. Those who knew it were shocked to learn of its death, but then thought about it and realized they hadn't seen him for a while and should have suspected something was awry long ago. It is survived by the two remaining pieces of a three piece suit.
11.messenger
Messenger Bags, 2005(?)-2009 (But, Like, Never Really Born Though)
The messenger bag, age unknown, died garishly in 2009. Onlookers reported the bag combusting in flight as if hit by buckshot. This reporter is unsure if this was meant metaphorically or if the last messenger bag on earth was actually horrifically shot before a crowd, ostensibly to terminate the species as a whole. The messenger bag is survived by two brothers, Tote and Weekender, and one parent, Backpack. A funeral was to be held Monday the 17th, but mailmen no longer had a way to carry the invites so nobody showed up.
12.redwing
Red Wing Boots, 2007-2010
Red Wing Boots passed away in 2012. They did not die by falling off a precipice or in a bear attack, as they were intended, but, instead, died of starvation when thrown in a closet and forgotten for what crime scene investigators believe had been two years. They are survived by their first cousin, Timbs, who, for what it's worth, is still out here eating.