Meet The 10 Randos Who Are Following You On Twitter

Twitter: It’s the one that’s not Instagram and it’s taken over your life. Day in and day out, you hunch over your desk or phone, struggling to craft the perfect bon mot in response to the new Balenciaga drop on Mr. Porter. It will be retweeted by someone who has major label panache cred and make your life worth living at long last. Ars gratia Twitter, as they say.

But while you await those thousands of followers, you’re just running on a few fumes. Your friends from college who tweet out links to BuzzFeed listicles with the hashtag “#bingethinking,” the only other cool guy at work and then...who? Who are these elusive characters who populate your followers? This man who favorites your every missive? This woman who cc’s you in her selfies? We reveal all, ahead.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

Username: @dweezil_zappa

Bio: 24 / MI / Ain’t Laurent

IRL Bio: Having tweeted once about the Super Bowl—“wow #beyonce”—Dweezil believing his work here is now done, sets about garnering good cheer by favoriting every single thing you’ve ever tweeted in your life, whether it’s about eating lunch, a link to a Maureen Dowd op-ed on Lena Dunham’s new upstate wind farm (“Titillating at the Windmills”), or an oblique reference to your getting fired (#oops).

Last Tweets: Just the one, which is really smart because he’s sitting on a grail of a username.

Username: @abe_froman24

Bio: The sausage king of Chicago

IRL Bio: The author behind this patently unfunny “humor” account has a YouTube-exclusive comedy show, the title of which relies on an idiotic pun that implies his ulnar nerve is located in his 21st digit.

Last Tweets:

10:42 AM: is that snow in your pocket, or is this a blizzard?

11:54 AM: but it’s not a side of fries if i put the fries *on* my sandwich, right?

2:45 PM: don’t hate the girl, hate the anthropologie candle

Username:@patrik_evill

Bio: I GOT A DRIES VAN NOTION / STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM NOW I’M IN MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

IRL Bio: This mysterious sycophant wants nothing more than to meet you. You both wear clothing, which he believes necessitates a meet cute.

Last Tweets:

1:34 PM: @_notes_on_camp haaa that jacket is #grail #shit but seriously we should get coffee

3:53 PM: @tubulartots cool listicle, drinks next week? would love to meet IRL ha

11:35 PM: @tresmauvais_shop been working on a similar blog, would love to chat over scotch #oldman #youngideas

Username: @coolgal_coolgal

Bio:living to laugh / laughing to live / i’m complicated but in love with love

IRL Bio: Some girl on an all-jam diet.

Last Tweets:

10:34AM: day 3 of #jamsession just finished $7 jar of Bonne Maman Rhubarbe #bfast #bjam

1:04PM: #jamsession lunch of Smuckers Seedless Black Raspberry, feeling empowered & more in-tune w/ emotions

5:03PM: what’s 4 dinner? #jamsession #day3 #hungry #sugarhigh http://idiotsbooks.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/IMG_7757.jpg

Username: @water_a_day

Bio: Founder, brand synergy management org Water-a-Day w/ community of over 50,000 engaged users

IRL Bio: After buying 70,000 followers and the URL www.water-a-day.zzz, this fellow began the hard business of making his start-up exist through Twitter.

Last Tweets:

1:09PM: everyday, the engaged community of Water-a-Day gives me hope that #change #is #coming #changeiscoming #changeis #coming #seriously #itsontheway

3:05PM: Water-a-Day users, a straw poll: if you could dream it, would you do it? #wateraday #water4thoughts

9:03PM: after 2.5 hrs at the gym, still in awe that what i do daily at Water-a-Day is a job #inspired #workout

Username: @indie_blog

Bio: World’s only totally independent blog / indie blogging from deep in the heart of bk

IRL Bio: Some guy who thinks he’s doing God’s work through a goofy nomenclature gimmick.

Last Tweets:

8:29 AM: @jakandjil that #majorlabelblog is bs, only indie blog in the game is me

10:34 AM: @nytimes how do those strings feel around ur wrists and those shackles around ur ankles #indieblogging #truthwillblogufree

4:34 PM: hungry

Username: @notoscarisaac

Bio:NOT oscar isaac or endorsed by oscar isaac, just a huge fan

IRL Bio: The kid who always cried during chemistry tests in high school is now running the internet’s foremost Oscar Isaac fan page.

Last Tweets:

9:30 AM: oscar isaac in plaid would make an excellent computer background http://stylefavor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/oscar-isaac-wallpaper_.jpg

10:45 AM: "I grew up in a very devoutly Christian home." -Oscar Isaac

1:39 PM: if you haven’t seen “Inside Llewyn Davis” 3 times yet you must. it just gets better. oscar is insane #oscar4oscar

Username:@go_lions_football

Bio: truth seacher / avid reader / #golions

IRL Bio:This person finds everything about a hundred years after everyone stopped caring. And just when you were starting to feel relevant.

Last Tweets:

1:35 PM: whoa—crazy article questioning whether interpreter at #mandela funeral was actually faking it

4:34 PM: Syria is in serious trouble, might even be civil war. #whoa

6:45 PM: haha this buzzfeed list of what if clueless were today

Username:@whoa_such_money

Bio:make $1500 TODAY just by very easy steps on the internet taken by me that could be taken by you

IRL Bio: Spam account with a heart of gold!

Last Tweets:

1:29 AM: wow, just made $124.34 in six minutes by playing Gold Miner

2:39 AM: u no sometimes i just want to be honest, like i had 2 work really hard for this $153.32 by just eating sandwiches

2:49 AM: like it was a lot of sandwiches

3:14 AM: just made $120.42 by sitting on the couch but feeling guilty abt it bc its the holidays and some r going w/o

4:35 AM: yes, i just made $89.87 by playing wii but don’t think i don’t feel torn abt it

Username:@LILBTHEBASEDGOD

Bio: Mogul, First Rapper Ever To Write And Publish A Book at 19, Film Score, Composer, Producer,Director/Photo/Branding/Marketing/Historical Online Figure #BASED

IRL Bio: What he said. A tweet tweeted by someone without Lil B as a follower is the digital equivalent of the tree-falling-in-forest koan.

Last Tweets: It’s all too ephemeral to be captured in perpetuity on a blog, so just see for yourselves.