Well, well, well. I don’t know how you did it, but somehow you’ve found yourself dating a siren with a closet full of suits she had made on Savile Row and a mind full of stuff like, “It was pretty chill to design that New Balance with Sky Ferreira for our limited edition Etsy collection.”
You’re feeling grossly inadequate: She’s like a 9 or 10, your friends tell you, and you think you’re a 5 or 6. Add those together and subtract 2 for the winter and add one because math, and you get a number! (That’s what you’re supposed to do with those “scale of 1 to 10” rankings, right?) And that number means insecurity! Instability! And the ghoulish possibility of romantic insurrection! To quell your fears, here’s our guide to keeping that woman you’ve sensationally landed.
Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.
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Develop A Few Affections
If I know anything from watching Drive Me Crazy, in which Clarissa explains it all—Sex! Popularity! Prom!—to a young Adrian Grenier as Britney Spears bleats out the squalling aural equivalent of Limited Too hot pants, it’s that you’re going to want to do a few things to “fit in”. Grenier’s character buys a Swatch, for example, which is, of course, very antagonistic. But he doesn’t try too hard. He lets his cool guy hair do most of the work. Leave your hair alone, but maybe get a new coat. And don’t start dropping phrases from other language into conversation. In the words of Adidas, “Just do not.”
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Don't Get All Jealous
When she’s like, “I saw the greatest jacket in Harper’s Bazzar,” don’t get all, “WHO THE FUCK IS HARPER AND WHAT MAKES HIM SO BAZAAR?”