How To Date A Girl Who Is Way Out Of Your League

Well, well, well. I don’t know how you did it, but somehow you’ve found yourself dating a siren with a closet full of suits she had made on Savile Row and a mind full of stuff like, “It was pretty chill to design that New Balance with Sky Ferreira for our limited edition Etsy collection.”

You’re feeling grossly inadequate: She’s like a 9 or 10, your friends tell you, and you think you’re a 5 or 6. Add those together and subtract 2 for the winter and add one because math, and you get a number! (That’s what you’re supposed to do with those “scale of 1 to 10” rankings, right?) And that number means insecurity! Instability! And the ghoulish possibility of romantic insurrection! To quell your fears, here’s our guide to keeping that woman you’ve sensationally landed.

Rachel Seville is a writer living in New York who believes in miracles. Read her blog, Pizza Rulez, here and follow her on Twitter here.

Don't Get All Arrogant About It

Sure, this is the greatest thing since you convinced your roommate that really old milk doesn’t just turn into sort of decent yogurt. But you can’t waltz around town, treating everyone as plebes, yelling about having the world on an Hermes keychain, getting as drunk as you please and tweeting: “RT if entire bottle of wine.” This is not the man she fell for, and the only elegant thing about a braggart is that “braggart” has the word “art” in it.

Dress Well All Of The Time

Do drag out all your latest and greatest fashions and wear them with aplomb. Looking the part will assuage your crisis of cool, and besides, sprezz is like rubber when it comes to rebounding from a horrible mishap. “He went on a 9 minute rant about fantasy McDonald’s sandwiches, but you know what? Those trousers were a modern take on classic glen plaid.”

Develop A Few Affections

If I know anything from watching Drive Me Crazy, in which Clarissa explains it all—Sex! Popularity! Prom!—to a young Adrian Grenier as Britney Spears bleats out the squalling aural equivalent of Limited Too hot pants, it’s that you’re going to want to do a few things to “fit in”. Grenier’s character buys a Swatch, for example, which is, of course, very antagonistic. But he doesn’t try too hard. He lets his cool guy hair do most of the work. Leave your hair alone, but maybe get a new coat. And don’t start dropping phrases from other language into conversation. In the words of Adidas, “Just do not.”

Relax!

But also, come on, she likes something about you, even when she says, “You’re wearing that, with that? And saying that? And breathing that air, over there?”

But Also Become Horribly Self-Conscious

You are, after all, wearing that with that, and saying that, while breathing that air over there.

Act Like You've Been Here Before

Cool girls like to go to cool girl places, like secret bars with 405 Yelp reviews. These places usually have a door guy who will tell you that your “ratio” is off because I guess all cool people are having threesomes every night of their life, and some snobby MiXoLoGiSt who will tell you they don’t HAVE beer, just these cocktails that are $24 because they’re swirled, not shaken. Whatever! Don’t act annoyed or unimpressed, but don’t be intimidated either. This is your town. I just elected you mayor. You don’t need to look like you belong, but do adopt the attitude that you’re here to take care of your Signature Edition Cool Girl and ensure you both have a great time (so you have something to write on Yelp).

But Don't Pretend You Know Everything

When your girlfriend texts you: “Hey, it’s Sunday, which means Boomtown Wanda is doing Kosher Tomatoes and I want to go, are you in or what?” Don’t be like: “Sure!” because you’re too embarrassed that you don’t know what she's talking about. You’ll show up and she will for sure be getting a manicure. Ask questions because it makes you look curious, and curiosity may have killed the cat, but it was a really cool cat with an amazing Junya motorcycle jacket.

Don't Try To Impress Her All The Time

A guy who spends himself broke to impress a gal ain’t cool. You don’t have to take her to those aforementioned mixologist horror shows every night, and a truly cool girl doesn’t expect that, anyway.

Up Your Culture Game

Learn to read (again?). Now is the time to have read a bunch of cool junk, which you’ll have on hand when you meet her friends and are freaking out because they’re all female models named Sven and they’re like, “What do you do?” And you’re like, “I’m a sub-system program processor” and maybe sweating a little. Now's the time to whip out that weird article on botched musicals.

Don't Ask About The Last Guy

Really, the last thing you want to know about is how her last boyfriend was a 6’4’’ former model from Italy who now runs a sneaker store in London from his loft in Nolita.

Don't Get All Jealous

When she’s like, “I saw the greatest jacket in Harper’s Bazzar,” don’t get all, “WHO THE FUCK IS HARPER AND WHAT MAKES HIM SO BAZAAR?”

That Playing It Cool Junk Is Junk

Don’t try to play it cool by ignoring her texts and saying, “Whatever” all the time and snarling at her roommate. Women are like the moon: They like to be worshiped. She isn’t there to be treated like she’s inconsequential.

Remind Yourself She Is Human

She’s just a girl! In your world! She may be better dressed or better looking or hopefully nicer than other women you’ve dated. She may know more about bands that haven’t even been out yet. She may have a cool job and play ironic games of Words with Friends with Mary-Kate Olsen. She might even have a cabin a few hours from here that she built herself. But even though she is more magic than that cacophonous Police song about magic girls, she is no better than you or I. Remember, the girl in the Police song doesn’t even know how to hold an umbrella.

And Remember: This Is Your Girlfriend!

And hey, pat yourself on the back once in a while. At long last, a girl who is truly worthy of you, distinguished man of the Internet.