Are you thinking about fatherhood? Because there's never been a better time to procreate than right now. (Unless you're in high school; babies shouldn’t be having babies; stay in school, don't do drugs, etc.) Kim Kardashian West and her number one thirst bucket Kanye West just confirmed the pending birth of their second spawn, so you'd essentially be raising your children together, just without as many rides to Costco in the G Wagon. Not to mention, U.S. birth rates are near an all time low and millennials (that's you, most likely) just aren't making babies. You're hoping that it's because Generation Tinder knows where the safety is, but that's not it at all. You just aren't firing as many shots. The point is, babies are rare, and if sneakers and the Discovery Channel have taught you anything, it's that rare = good.
Here's an actual line from an actual email my actual editor actually sent me last week (who I honestly didn't know was able to communicate if not via Twitter):
While ur not a dad specifically, can u relate to this sentiment of being married and maybe "washed" in the eyes of cool teens everywhere, but still dope and ready to take the city by storm?
"Not a dad specifically" is my favorite part, but I digress.
That's right campers, you heard it straight from Lord Fuccboi himself, welcome to The Summer of the Cool Dad™. It all started, some speculate, when ex-Supreme design head Brendon Babenzien proclaimed on this very site that his new brand, Noah (ironically the greatest brand name of all time tbh), is for "older guys who do cool shit." Now it's the aspirational lifestyle du jour. So who the fuck are you calling "washed"?
The Cool Teens™ had their moment, but let's be honest, Coachella is boring and molly is actually really dangerous. I don't know what Babenzien thinks cool shit actually is, but I have some thoughts of my own: mainly, trying to skateboard without rolling an ankle, listening to rap music from twenty years ago and arguing aggressively with children about how much better it is and eating dinner alone at the bar.
We all know the Cool Dad™. He's got frosty Monster tallboys on deck for the kids, drives a minivan that kinda smells like weed and knows how to renegade a beer. But being a Cool Dad™ is a lifestyle movement, not merely a status one is granted by a bunch of sugar drunk middle schoolers. A Cool Dad™ is the aforementioned older guy who does cool shit. A Cool Dad™ is impervious to trends—normcore, athlesiure and health goth are all both literally and figuratively meaningless in relation to him. There is no way of being that's more effortless, classic and dgaf. Hence, dadbod *barfs*, mustard stains, male pattern baldness and other unfortunate Cool Dad™ side effects.
So how can you channel Cool Dad™ vibes without succumbing to the downfalls of general dadness? You can't. It can only be earned, never forced. There will be 25-year-olds who get it, and 35-year-olds who don't. It doesn't even matter how many kids you have or what midwestern cities you named them after. That's what makes the Cool Dad™ so, well, fucking cool.
Now get out there, get somebody pregnant and take the city by storm!
Noah Johnson is neither a Cool Dad™ nor Cool Teen™. Listen to his mixtape on Twitter here.
