Image via Complex Original
1.
As an American, you are always looking for a fresh way to blow your child's college fund. Or, perhaps, you have come to terms with the fact that you are going to be in crippling debt for the rest of your life and feel liberated from your old financial moral compass because of it. Whatever the case may be, pimping your ride is the perfect way to be irresponsible while also impressing an eleven-year-old who saw The Fast And The Furious for the first time.
Throughout the following list, you will learn the in and out burgers of car modifications and ride pimping. You will come to know both the conventional and the unconventional uses of these various products and add-ons, coming one step closer to giving up all of your adult responsibilities in lieu of some rims.
Matt Rimer is a writer living in Boston. Follow him on Twitter here.
2.pimpridelead
3.tintedglass
Tint Your Windows
Trying to be the belle of the sweet ride ball? A recommended first step is to tint the windows of your whip.
Or maybe you've got a white van or something and you want to tint those windows for personal reasons. Who's to say?
4.luxmaterials
New Interior
Sharkskin leather? Diamond stitched embroidery? Spare no expense when investing in fabric that you'll immediately spill coffee on.
Or if you're the economical pimp type like me, you might consider laying down a tarp in the bed of your van or the trunk of your car.
5.stereo
Stereo System
Do you really want to drive around listening to lo-Fi shit like a poor person? Upgrade your stereo system or get the F-word out of dodge before I kick your ass.
Or get a cassette player so you can listen to "Goodbye Horses" by Q Lazzarus while on the go.
6.powereveyrthing
Various Amenities
Get everything the dealer has to offer: power locks, power windows, seat control, chloroform, rear A/C, duct tape, ABS brakes, plastic zip hand ties and of, course, ample cup holders for beverage bliss.
7.newsuspension
Top Of The Line Suspension
People often underestimate suspension when pimping their rides. Without good suspension, you might destroy your vehicle when moving that couch into the bed of your van—something you've accomplished through enlisting the help of a trusting, young woman.
8.trunk
Trunk Speakers
Let everybody in the neighborhood know you're coming before they can even see you and your ride. Invest in some big ass trunk speakers unless you're a chump.
Also, the noise from the speakers will block out any other sounds coming from your trunk.
9.dvd
Backseat DVD Player
There you are. You pop in a Hugh Grant movie, your bae slinks in closer to you in the back seat. Before you know it, you're getting a tender kiss and falling in love.
Or perhaps you can use the rear DVD player to show your guests those artsy voyeur films you made of them without their consent when you were following them around for the past month.
10.decals
Sweet Decals
Decals come in all shapes and sizes. For example, if you like waiting in a line for six hours to get a plain T-shirt with red lettering on the front, you should consider a Playboy bunny decal.
Perhaps even try clever a bumper sticker like: "My Child Is An Honor Student" or "Your Honor Student Is In My Trunk."
11.securitysystem
Security System
You don't want some dude breaking into your ride and stealing all of your new modifications do you? Step up your vehicle security with a state of the art lock system.
Also, throw a padlock on the trunk just to make sure nothing gets out.
12.navsystem
Navigation System
Built-in navigation systems are not only status symbols, they're also a useful tool. How many times have you found yourself lost on the way to that desolate marsh or that car scrapyard or that perfectly secluded spot under the bridge? My point exactly.
13.tires
New Tires
I feel like wheels are too practical to be considered cool, but people trying to whoremonger their rides seem to like them.
I suppose a spare tire is always good for when you get a flat on your way to an abandoned cabin in the woods where no one can hear you scream.
14.tireiron
Luxury Tire Iron
Sometimes, you just need to get down and dirty and get the job done. Tire irons are great for bashing in a sku—for changing tires. If you're rolling in true Arab money like Busta Rhymes, you best get yourself a solid gold tire iron.
15.hydraulics
Hydraulics
Do you want to destroy your suspension? Of course you do. Buy some hydraulics for your low-rider pronto.
Also, a hydraulic lift in the back of your car will make it easier when you're trying to dispose of…stuff.
16.scoop
Scoops
You should pretty much pack up shop on your entire fucking life if you don't have scoops: hood scoops, roof scoops, side scoops, scooping dirt with a shovel to put something down in a shallow hole and then scooping the dirt back on top. Whatever you're into, man.
17.vanity
Vanity Plates
Vanity plates are the perfect way to show off your originality while also endorsing the national tragedy that is the private prison systems of America. You're killing two birds with one stone, my man. Are you a big Ghostbusters fan? Try getting an "ECTO-1" plate. More of the football type? Then, may I recommend "PIGSKIN"?
Or maybe even try, "SRLKLLR" or "EATPPL." How about "WEARFCE"? Just, like, whatever you're into.
18.paint
New Paint Job
Apply a fresh, brightly colored coat of paint on your ride to make a statement. Then, keep reapplying different colors to keep the police confused.
19.rims
Rims
Perhaps the most classic modification in the school of pimping automobiles is the fabled rim job. I think that's what it's called when you get new rims, right?
Alright, I'm just gonna cut to brass tacks on this one. There's blood on your old rims and that shit is not coming off. You need new rims immediately or this could end up really bad news bears.
20.headlights
Update Your Headlights
There's no bigger power move than temporarily blinding another driver with the high beams of your expensive new headlights.
Also, getting new lights reduces the risk of bulbs burning out. A cop could pull you over and be all like, "Hey what's in the trunk?" and it's this whole thing.
21.bodykit
Body Kit
Missing body? Huh? There's no body here, officer, I can assure you.
22.fullyloaded
Make Sure It's Fully Loaded
You never know when shit is gonna go south. Keep an extra clip in the glove.