The Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Style Guide

Free dinners are awesome and all, but cold hard truth is that not all family gatherings are necessarily completely happy ones. Sometimes you're meeting your girl's parents for the first time, your more successful siblings are finally coming back from earning another million dollars overseas, or you're simply over whatever small town you came from.

For whatever reason, here's some tips on what to wear for a variety of those stressful situations. Nah, they probably won't make them any easier emotionally, but hell, at least you'll look good. Check out The Dysfunctional Thanksgiving Style Guide.

GANT by Michael Bastian Zip-Front Alpaca Sweater, $598

Chunky sweaters will make you seem like a total simp when you show up for dinner. Really though, they'll think you're some unsuspecting fool who likes to hold hands while watching "Love Actually" and shit and not the dude who smashes their daughter on the regular. It's a good thing though — it works for Drake right? Looking like Carlton gives you leeway to act like Will.

Junya Watanabe Denim & Khaki Shirt, $585

If your dad never stopped giving you shit for crying in front of him when Bambi's mom died, redeem yourself with this manly-ass shirt. It combines classically masculine fabrics like denim and khaki and goes perfect with that beard you've been growing all year. Rock it with well-worn denim, boots, and hope he didn't see your facebook post about watching Twilight.

Supereme x Hennessy Football Jersey, $108
Nike Zoom Merciless Cleats, $95
Nike Superbad Football Gloves, $45

He kicked your ass in every sport y'all played together, but finally all those years of partying and binge drinking are starting to catch up to him. While he's been reliving the glory days of college, you've been training your body into a well-oiled vengeance machine, preparing for this one day when you could totally dominate the two-hand touch football field. Cleats? Check. Receiver gloves? Check. Limited-edition collectible jersey he'll never have? Check. Remember: if you don't win, you're out of the family. Game on.

Head Porter Plus Nel Check Shirt, $320

It's tough being the third kid in a family of seven children. While you were up in your room diligently working on the blueprints of the spaceship that would one day fly you out of whatever podunk town you were in, Mom and Dad hardly noticed your absence. Between your brother's budding criminal record and your sister's Jesse Spano-like pill problem, your efforts to have a somewhat normal childhood went mostly ignored. Maybe a bright shirt will help at the dinner table. You won't be invisible anymore when a bright blue check shirt easily invades your family's peripheral vision. Maybe they'll even start asking for your opinion on things, and perhaps even start getting to know you. Just don't tell them about those poems you wrote about them in high school.

John Lobb William Leather Monk Strap Shoes, $1,080

No one else is this one-horse town supported you when you first started writing. They didn't understand that there were characters in your head, pounding against your cranium like prisoners of conscience yearning for amnesty. You poured your heart and soul onto the page before you discovered tumblr. Then you just made some blog called "Weird Shit New Yorkers Throw Away" and got a book deal off that. Life is funny like that, right? Show everyone how successful you are by spending a grip on European-made shoes that only a select few people on the Internet actually geek out about, you know, just because you can. Don't spill any gravy on them though.

Bedwin Fripp Reversible Down Vest, $472

The Pacific Northwest can be a real bitch when it comes to weather. That's why this reversible vest is ideal, it flips between a chambray side and polyester side, which is going to come in handy should it start to pour. The great thing about a down vest is that there's plenty of ways to wear them. So wear it as your only outerwear piece and forget about having to pack another bag — that extra charge is wack.

Bottega Veneta Straight Crumpled Corduroy Trousers, $390

"Summer" and "holiday" are verbs to you. Your dog is named Butch and your sister is named Muffy. Down time on the estate means cruising around in a golf cart with the family crest on it and literally fucking the help. Thanksgiving is a time when dad, excuse us, father, wears the critter pants, while the family chef who carves the turkey could either be the cousin of Marcus Samuelsson or Seal. "Go-to-hell" is a lifestyle for your family, and your rumpled blaze orange trousers are a testament to that.

Wtaps Deck Crew, $498

A trust fund is great and all, but you spend most of your time chillin' in your Brooklyn loft resenting your parents. You tried to Occupy Wall Street, but they saw right through your REI tent and pre-distressed khakis. At least your parents are paying for the train back upstate. Look presentable but rebellious in this tonal patchwork sweater. It's a little preppy but also has a streetwear sensibility as you tell the folks that you're "working on a couple of musical projects." Resign yourself to being in the 1% . You still might hate yourself, but hey, at least you'll look cool.

T by Alexander Wang French Terry Sweatpants, $180

Your wifey's parents are in town, and they still throw you shade because in their eyes, you'll never be good enough for shorty. Fuck 'em then! Tell homegirl you caught a sudden case of the flu, and act miserable and cough a lot. You know what'll really help your case? Sweatpants. Throw these on and a white tee, and you'll be looking more pitiful than Christina Aguilera at the AMAs. You don't want to look too sloppy though, which is why we'd say cop a pair of these slim jawns. Trust, after a couple of glasses of wine with the parents and hearing them drop some "Marvin's Room" shit on how she could do better and whatnot, she'll be home, tipsy, and hating her dad. Get it in, son.

Sinn 857 S UTC, $1,695

You ever miss your family so much you make the effort to see them, and then an hour later suddenly remember why the hell you moved out in the first place? Enter the early exit. True, most people use phones to tell time these days, but that means watches are definitely a status symbol. Oh, you say you got shit to do? Look at your watch. No, no you're not gonna hit up a bar with your friends, you got a "meeting" you "forgot about." That's one of the benefits of dressing nice on the holidays, all of a sudden you look like you might could rush into the office to whip up an emergency spreadsheet or some shit. Yeah, you could opt for a cheaper version of an expensive watch, but a great timepiece only makes you look that much more important.