Things Every Man Needs to Throw a House Party

Image via Complex Original

OK, I know what you're thinking. "Come on bro, we got Bluetooth speakers and stuff." And that's exactly the problem. You and every other Joe Schmoe nowadays leans way too heavily on the ease at which tunes can be blasted through a wireless speaker. Then before you know, your playlist ends and some idiot connects with his "eclectic mix" then bang, bye-bye party and hello six bags of chips you'll be eating alone. But a record player tells people that you have some level of depth to your taste in music. And even though you kinda gotta listen to the whole thing, which means some songs will blow, you will look super rad and hip and that's kinda why you throw the party to begin with. Of course, feel free to have the wireless speaker as an option, but always open up with some vinyl. 

When we're talking about "cool art," almost anything will do if it has a consistent theme. I stress "almost" because you don't want people walking into a frat house living room situation because you simply can't "let go." So that means no scraggly paper posters tacked to the walls, no inspirational quotes, and definitely no half-naked women. Unless you've ponied up some cash for an original Gauguin, although, if that's the case, you wouldn't be reading this article. What I'm getting at here is make it feel adult. Framed photos, a couple pieces of your friend's art, or even some plants. Plants go a long way and tell women that you're at least attempting to learn how to keep something alive that's not yourself. 

This one sounds simple but is often undervalued and just thrown together at the last minute. Chips and dip is cool, but we're all adults here, let's strive for more. Pizza is a good idea but what about all those health-conscious folk nowadays who’d rather eat leaves off the ground than allow a carb-filled pleasure triangle grace their lips. So you gotta mix it up. At least attempt to make everyone happy. You know, things like sushi, pita chips and hummus, homemade kale chips, pigs in a blanket, five $5 foot longs from Subway, peanut butter, chocolate, and those mini-fruit filled pies that are just completely awful for you but everyone's guilty pleasure. All you gotta do is hide them somewhere so people feel like they've found a hidden stash and it's OK to sneak just one. 

One of the most anxiety-fueled moments in every house party is the beginning. The crippling fear that all the cool people you invited, but weren't sure they'd actually attend, show up and the place is as empty as your soul after a solo Friday night Netflix n' Chill session. You want that thing P-O-P-P-I-N the second anyone rad steps through the door. And the only way to really accomplish that is with filler friends. These are friends you might not see all the time but still are cool enough to meet your real friends. This type of friends includes old coworkers, neighbors, Tinder matches that become platonic almost immediately, professional athletes, and cool dads. Just tell these folks an earlier start time then everyone else, say 45 minutes to an hour, and boom, you've got yourself a frenzy of filler friends ready to meet and greet and hopefully leave before midnight.

This is really the crown jewel of any successful party. And before I'm completely misunderstood, I simply mean babes that are fun to be around. It's not about inviting the hottest chicks, it's about inviting the raddest chicks. Awesome ladies trump awesome guys tenfold, and they're much less likely to embarrass themselves or you. Guys try way too hard and will inevitably crash and burn. However, rad babes always have fun stories to tell and are tremendous listeners. Nothing feels better than someone actually listening to what you have to say. At the end of the day, cool babes just know how to work a room and keep the position level on 100 at all times. They also love record players and lava lamps. It's a fact. Google it. 

How dare you run out of ice at your own house party. It's the worst thing you could possibly do next to not following the previous six tips. And don't be that guy that just thinks he can get by on refilling the ice cube trays you have in your freezer. Before you know it, you've got people pulling out little slivers of half-frozen cubes because they're just so damn eager to enjoy a cool beverage. No, what you do is, you take everything out of your freezer and just slam it full of those bodega ice bags. And I mean filled to the gills. Then you put an ice bowl out. No, two ice bowls. You get ice coming out the wazoo or the house party gods will never let you wazoo again. 

Now don't go getting nervous here like it's time to grow a spindly mustache and regularly wear suspenders. This is all just for show. Setting up a beautiful-looking cocktail station says a lot about a man. It says sophistication. Class. Bravado. And a bunch of other words that sound cool and manly. Also, if you invite enough people, chances are one of them is going to know how to use it and commandeer the whole cocktail station. And if not, just get yourself in what looks like a deep conversation anytime it feels like someone's going to question your mixology skills. Remember, it's OK if everything is a sham as long as you look good doing it.