12 Things Rick Owens Does Better Than You (Besides Fashion)

Today marks the 53rd year that our world has lived in the shadows. Here’s the thing though: We merely adopted to the darkness. Rick was born in it. And he’s very quickly made many of us realize that the Dark Side is simply where we oughta be.

It’s not just his clothing that seduces us into dressing and, by consequence, acting and thinking a certain way. Do the tiniest bit of research on the guy, and you’ll quickly realize Richard Saturnino Owens is an incredible dude. I love this guy, even though everything he does painfully puts mine and your efforts to shame in anything from yoga to consuming memes. Hopefully you’re not suffering from a crippling sense of inadequacy, because these are 12 Things Rick Owens Does Better Than You (Besides Fashion).

Happy birthday Rick!!

Having a Sexy V

Like everyone else who doesn’t have one, I don’t know what the technical name for those hip line things are. Sex muscles? Whatever they're called, Ricardo’s is better than yours. Pause and think about how absurd this is. Dude has shredded, 8-minute abs at 53, an age when you will most definitely have a gravy-induced heart attack in the middle of a DraftKings trade. It’s like staring at the sun, in that both are blinding and contain a power equivalent to 1,838,095,238x the largest atomic bomb ever detonated.

Becoming a Centaur

It doesn’t even matter that Richard isn’t even all that good at becoming a centaur. He is still better at Animorphing than you. And to think you were trying to bark along with DMX in ‘98 like you’re hard or something. Get the fuck out of here.

Getting Head

This is just further proof that Rick is on another plane of reality. You are a pervert concerned with one thing and one thing only. Richard is only here to provide mind-fucks.

Riding the White Pony

How you do it: Dig your crusty mail key into a scratched-up vial that’s one third K, one third Clorox, and one third phlegm from your dealer who is sneezing while bagging it up. Cut to you coke-dreaming about your screenplay, grossing out everyone around you.

How Rick Owens does it: Mounts a pure white steed named Sriracha Papa, remains calm as the beast rears magnificently and gallops into the sunset...where a tannery awaits to mete out Sriracha’s destiny of becoming an incredible pair of shoes.

Popping Off A Fire Selfie

This selfie should be framed in The Louvre. Right next to that bullshit Mona Lisa thing. Peep the front lighting—that's a pro selfie maneuver. And his ability to get his surroundings along with Michele in the back is more than impressive. You could never come close to achieving such great heights.

Crushing Memes With Bae

You have never crushed memes this hard and you never will. RICK IS CRUSHING MEMES THAT WE WON’T SEE UNTIL 2018. LOOK AT HIS MEME-CRUSHING FACE. IT’S THE SAME FACE HE MADE WHEN HE PUNCHED THAT MALE MODEL IN THE DOMEPIECE. THIS IS RICK OWENS’ MEME-AND-MODEL-CRUSHING FACE.

Yoga

Rick’s Vinyasa flow is yogi-gawd levels. Could you transform into a chair? Don’t front, fam. We all know the only yoga you practice is when-the-remote-falls-off-the-couch-and-you-stretch-for-it-but-it’s-just-out-of-reach-so-you-commit-to-whatever’s-on pose.

Netflix And Thinking

While you clipped your fingernails in the hopes of going a knuckle deep and actually texted “Netflix and chill? Lol” to your date just to show how self-aware and familiar with the zeitgeist you are, Rick and Michele just finished a documentary on Dr. Feng Zhang’s biological engineering work with CRISPR sequences and its relation to Antonio Gramsci’s theories on hegemony. The Dark Lord’s intellect is unstoppable and never ceases to progress towards bigger and better things. Compare this with the fact that the last book you read was the Supreme x The North Face lookbook.

Doing an Art

The last time you did anything artistic was copping that Groupon for a drawing class in 2013. Oh, and copping a Basquiat tee from Karmaloop. One of Rick’s first big artistic moves was erecting a sculpture of himself pissing onto a mirrored floor at Pitti Uomo. It’s over.

Dealing With The Glass Ceiling

Pictured here is the exact moment that Rick Owens butted up against all the prejudice and doubt he’s faced in his life and power-lifted his entire existence through that motherfucker. Dude has had to put up with years of misunderstanding his vision, hatred of his personal traits and starting from the very bottom before getting to where he is now. People like you and I, we shit our pants and kowtow at the first hint of failure, which is why we’re not the Lords of Darkness and merely the Viscounts of sad Friday night masturbation.

Spooning

Sure, you’ve probably mastered the big spoon basics at this point, but do you do it on furniture that you designed based on prehistoric tribal living? Nah. It’s pure IKEA particle board you’re squirming on, still unsure if you should chicken-wing your arm under your head or position it under her head (hint: try under her pillow).

Aux Cord Seduction

God, I can only imagine what comes on after Ricky asks the Uber driver, “Sir, do you have an aux cord?” Gregorian chanting or Mongolian throat-singing, I assume. Whatever it is, it’s something far more advanced than your Bon Iver Apple Radio station.