Alpha Nail Wants You to Wear Nail Polish, Bro

A company called Alpha Nail (get it?) thinks that if you're not painting your nails, then you're a pussy. Are you a pussy? I DIDN'T FUCKING THINK SO, BRO. And since you're not a pussy, your heroes probably include fellow alpha males like Chuck Liddell, Dave Navarro, and professional pick-up artists. Besides leaving piles of slain trim in their wake, destroying all competitors in various realms of life, and drop-kicking society's rules in the balls, here's something else these badasses have in common: "They are all alpha males and they all adorn their nails with war paint. Why? Why not!"

You still think it's silly? How about spokesman Roger "El Matador" Huerta punches and explodes your eye while wearing the Cocaine color from the Matte Collection. Still doubting that this shit is for Alphas? Chris Leben just broke your jaw while sporting the Midnight color from the Metallic Collection. And neither guy chipped a nail while murdering your dome, because Alpha Nail products are designed by Alphas for Alphas. The "technologically and biologically superior" formula will "strengthen and invigorate the nails down to the beds." In case you're saying "FUCK SCIENCE" like a true Alpha would, then allow us to Bus Driver Hadouken your dick with this: the "colors are so sick Dr. House can’t fix them." HADOUKEN!!

Look, if you're not already applying this war paint onto your hands (which, as an Alpha, probably reek of money, punani, and other people's blood) then maybe you're not a true Alpha, bro. But there's still hope for that vagina between your legs. Alpha Nails put together a few reasons why painting your nails is fucking awesome, and we expanded them further for all your true non-Alphas. Click through to see why Alpha Nail Wants You to Wear Nail Polish, Bro.

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Alpha Nail's Reason: Look Good. Feel Good.

Complex's Reason: Alphas are the best dressed guys in any situation. Our boot cut pleated khakis and hoodies under blazers ruin panties across the nation. But what happens if there are two Alphas in the same room? Destroy his style with Alpha Nail, get the girl, and make sure to grab a mop for the panty-sopping that just occurred.

Ideal Color: Smoke

Alpha Nail's Reason: Because You Play To Win

Complex's Reason: Rocking comes pretty naturally to us bros. But you know what lets you rock even more? Nail polish. Whether you're shredding some DMB on stage or literally punching rocks with your hands, Alpha Nail is only gonna make it better, bro.

Ideal Color: Deep Ocean

Alpha Nail's Reason: Strength When You Need It

Complex's Reason: Alphas battle, and so Alpha Nail provides you with this competitive edge. How many times have you been beating the shit out of someone when you have to stop short because you chipped a nail? Now you can keep on beating them, all thanks to Alpha Nail.

Ideal Color: Concrete

Alpha Nail's Reason: Nobody Likes The Fugly

Complex's Reason: Your feet probably take a beating from kicking the shit out of life's ass. Not to worry, bro. Alpha Nail empathizes, and is here for you. It usually doesn't matter since the girls you're taking to Pound Town are too wasted to notice your feet, but sometimes Alphas have self-confidence issues, too. And that's cool. *Bro Hug*

Ideal Color: Burnin' Rubber

Alpha Nail's Reason: Do It Because You Can

Complex's Reason: As an alpha, "Do It Because You Can" is your life's mantra. Vomiting on a cop? Inviting underage girls to the party? Wearing nail polish? Do it because you can.

Ideal Color: Cocaine

Alpha Nail's Reason: Get More Of It.

Complex's Reason: If you're an Alpha, then you're already slaying biddies at will. But did you ever stop and think, "Could I be slaying more biddies?" Yes, but only if you start wearing nail polish, fool. And have you even considered her needs? Every girl we know wants to feel like she's being finger-banged by a clown.

Ideal Color: Midnight

Alpha Nail's Reason: The Pickup Artist's Secret Weapon

Complex's Reason: Be the flashiest, visually loudest, and hence best-dressed guy in the place, and chicks will flock to you. Alpha Nail even breaks down the whole process and provides a great opening line any future slam-pig will fall for: "Paint one hand Matte Black, and one hand Metallic Black and ask a girl which she likes better. Bang. You’re in the GAME."

Ideal Color: Pirate Gold