Image via Complex Original
Sunglasses are a year-round must-have accessory, but there's no denying that summer is their moment. And unfortunately, as it does every year post-MTV VMAs, the summer is winding down. Now's your chance to floss with reckless abandon while the sun shine is at its brightest. But be careful, because like all items of clothing, your choice of shades presents a statement upfront about yourself. In case you weren't sure, this is What Your Favorite Type of Sunglasses Say About You.
Neon Wayfarers or shutter shades: You're a frat bro
Your idea of the perfect turnup is a pseudo-rave where everyone dresses like RiFF RAFF and may or may not be rollin off the mollywater. And what better to match with that bright pink tank-top than a pair of wayfarers with cheap-plastic colored frames that your university included in a Welcome Week grab-bag? Sure, you could probably do ten times better scouring for knockoffs on Canal St, but you'll probably break these in a bro'ed out, turn-up fury sooner or later anyway. But the intentional struggle can go from harmless to extremely unfortunate real quick because, and this pains us to report but: some of you guys are still wearing shutter shades. "Stronger" was seven years ago, brehs (but let's be honest, some of you don't even know nor care about the Kanye connection to begin with). It's over—it was over in 2008. Let them go gently into that G.O.O.D. night.
Clip-ons: You're trying too hard [to be a Duane]
Pick a Dwayne. Any Dwyane. Your name might even be Duane. But sorry, bro, you can't be a part of this club. You're either paying misguided homage to one of '90s sitcoms' most lovable nerds or you're following in the footsteps of the sartorially reckless old-new captain of the Miami Heat. Neither is a good life choice, homes.
Blockers: You're a swagged out retiree.
Rest easy enjoying the fruits of that 401k pension, OG. You stay posted on the porch with wifey all day and for that you need your trusty, 360-degree hater blockers. Keep the sun from stunting on your post-up and keep a blind eye to those bratty grandchildren thirsting for a handout of your hard-earned old money. All they get is stale candy.
Foldables: You're a #menswear dork
Honestly, as slander-able as these are, they're also off-the-charts practical. We would just be throwing shade, no pun, for the fuck of it. The truth is, if you're not one of those douchebags that rock sunnies inside, stashing them once you reach the destination is often cumbersome. Cheers to foldables for solving that problem, but if you cop you just have to own it: you're a menswear nerd. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Transitions: You might be a pedophile
Just kidding, but really, fam, don't do this to yourself. Mainly because, they don't even work as advertised. You'll have been inside that dark-ass bar for a good fifteen minutes and you're still stumbling around lost in permanent midnight. Meanwhile that chick you're talking to has been distracted from your eyes literally un-clouding over the past five minutes. Be an adult and wear contacts or keep the proper spectacles stashed and swap out.
Round lens: You're a fashionisto
Wow, how #fashion of you. There's no bigger way to let the streets know via accessory that you're really about this style shit then stepping out in a pair of fresh Castor Troys. Meanwhile there's an additional, inexplicable correlation between rounds and stoners. Three out of the five dudes you know with these definitely light up that Bobby Shmurda at the end of every day and probably dabble in sales too. Is it coincidence or is there a deeper connection here?
Aviators: You're probably a creep
Look we're not doling out official accusations here, but do the homework. Guys like Terry Richardson are actively contributing to the the correlating statistics for lurk-ass dudes and old-man aviators. But moreover, they're just pretty much done. Wearing aviator shades is a surefire way to nonverbally communicate that you are just completely swagless and out-of-touch. And maybe that you creep on women.
Clubmasters: You were thinking of going acetate but punked out
You were this close to going full style-risk with your shades. You were thinking of copping an acetate pair or even going full wire. And then, at the last moment possible before purchase, you pussed out and went with the safe route. Nothing wrong with clubmasters, per se, but damn dude you could've done so much more.
Wraparounds: You're a douchebag
Cut it out, broseph. The only time these are acceptable is if you're actively trying to keep the sun out of your eyes while you're doing something important. Preferably something that's life or death. Like flying a news chopper. But, if you're among the 98% of the population just wearing sunnies to stunt on the street, then you qualify for unmitigated douchedom if you're out here trying to flourish in pseudo-goggles. Which, speaking of...
Goggles: You are Soulja Boy
You are Soulja Boy. If you're not Souljer, or circa 2007 Lil Wayne, take those goddamn ridiculous Gucci goggles off.