DVS' Guide To Springtime

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Complex Original

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Springtime. The Devil's Playground. Ol' Flowery. Fuck City, USA. Whatever you call it, it spells RESULTS. Personally, I don't call ANY of the seasons by their unenlightened names because IT'S RUDE and cuz I'm not a goddamn infant. Instead, I refer to them by their RESPECTFUL monikers: Sting's Friend, Lil Raoul, Sexy Bigtime and Cold Sexy Bigtime. But HOW can you have the best darn Lil Raoul possible? Read on, my love. Read on and give me five thousand dollars.


Look up in the sky. No, the OTHER sky. See that "The Sun"? Some background: "The Sun" is your hot friend from space, the one who will kill you if you touch it, but ALSO kill you if it goes away. Yeah, like Marina. Except without the part where it tries to steer the conversation to be about mummies EVERY time. I FUCKING KNOW, MARINA, THEY TOOK THE BRAINS OUT THRU THE NOSE. EVERYONE KNOWS. YOU SWEAAAAR YOU SPECIAL CUZ YOU WATCHED THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL THAT ONE TIME. I COULD HAVE DISCOVERY CHANNEL TOO IF I WANTED. DON'T GET GASSED.

But BECAUSE this "The Sun" tends to spice things up, you may find yourself needing a lil clothing guidance. As winner of Forbes magazine's "Sir, I know I told you the water fountain is free, and it IS. I'm not disputing that. But you've been here for over five hours and I'm calling the police" award, I am the only one fit to steer you toward clothed bliss.

1a. North Face Jackets

In colder times, you stepped out of your filthy stupid house wearing, on average, eight to ten North Faces. MORE perhaps if you were going to a fanciful opera contest or knife fight. This time of year though, it's prudent to cut back to a conservative four or five AT MOST. Unless it's your birthday.

If it IS your birthday, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww dog, your parents did sex!!!!! Groooosssssssss. You grossin' me out and you have to leave.

1b. "Pants"

Make sure the North Face jackets you wear around your legs are cinched tight and snug or the Mayor will fuck you up for lookin' foolish. Which brings me to my next point.

1c. Lookin' Foolish

The Silent Killer. Avoid!!!

SECTION TWO: FOOD AND DRINK (or "Hey! Pizza! Lets diiiiig in!")

1. Jujubes

Now that it is springtime you can finally buy delicious Jujubes brand candy. I hear you already, "But couldn't I do that year-round?" Firstly, don't you EVER fucking talk to me like that in front of company. Secondly, yes. But you DIDN'T, DID YOU? Exactly.

2. If A Poisonous Snake Bites Me Will I Still Die Even Though It Is Springtime?

Yes. What is important to remember is that springtime is not magic. Write it on your binder if need be. If you are too old to have a binder, fall in love and create a child with someone who makes the inescapable grey mundanity of our pitiful existence seem like the beautiful quiet intermission betwixt two symphonies that it truly is, and when the kid gets old enough, put it on THAT lil idiot's binder. Plus, if you go to the movies you can point to the kid like it is HIM who is going to the movies and the ticket will be cheap. Then, you can put the kid in your pocket or into cryosleep and YOU use the ticket. The system works.


1. Go to the park and look at a balloon like a guy in a french movie.

2. Read a book (....or IS IT?).

3. Rock out. (This one seems obvious, but people stay asking me dumb shit like, "What time is it?" and time isn't even real, soo...)

4. Look at a picture of you when you were a baby. You're dying, Raymond. You're dying and everyone knows.

5. It has come to my attention by watching the Maury Povich program that many of you filthbuckets have been engaging in the practice of sending photolithographs of your nudity to like-minded sinners. THIS ENDS HERE. "Sexting" is over. The new hot springtime trend is "Networkxting." Instead of ribald pictorials (that make the Bible cry, i'll have you know) with thirstful captions such as "hello hot stuff look at my skin," you send people pictures of your outstretched hand with captions such as "PUT 'ER THERE, SAM."



Now you are getting ahead in business, which is what this season is all about.

In the spaces provided below, write in your OWN fun spring behaviors!






(Okay, this one just ain't right. Fam, I don't care if you're joking. This is why they had to use twins to play Michelle on Full House. Ain't nothin' funny about that. Matter of fact, I SWEAR I asked you to leave.)

[Photo via Feelgrafix]

DVS is a rap mutant/Earth's greatest supervillain/invented the remix. Read/listen to his guilt-free macrobiotic recipes on Twitter and Bandcamp.

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