The Four Pins Guide To Surviving A Blizzard

If there’s one thing Game of Thrones has taught us, it’s that winter has indeed been coming, and after a couple flirtations with meteorological jizzbombs, an actual White Walker of a blizzard has done gone and beset us. Behind us are the days of our youth, when ten inches of snow meant a day off from school and, instead, a day spent frolicking amongst the flurries. Now, it means firing up the ol' laptop and working from home, while you’re trapped in your apartment. Still, a snow day can still be sort of fun in a novel type way and it's as good of an excuse as any to trick your bosses into giving you paid vacation. So, my chilly, dear friends, read on for this handy-dandy guide to making the most out of your adult snow day. Enjoy it because by the time you've finished reading this we’ll all be dead.

Drew Millard wrote this while drinking sake on a Suzuki in Osaka Bay. You can read more of his work over at Noisey and follow him on Twitter here.

Getting Out Of Doing Any Work

The basic idea of "working from home" is that you accomplish your basic tasks as quickly as possible and then send a bunch of emails, all without having pants on. You can go Ferris Bueller to the bullshit by going invisible on IM and replacing your email signature with “Sent from my iPhone.” Suddenly, you can cite a WiFi outage as the reason you weren’t online all day and, therefore, had no work to do. Sneaky? Yes. Proof that you’re a shitty employee? Probably. Will it keep your soul from dying a little inside on an already cosmically oppressive day? Indubitably.

Basic Supplies

-Weed

-Netflix

-Xbox

-Coke Boyz 4

This is your primary arsenal. Better men than you have survived on less.

Don't Buy Food In Advance

One of life’s greatest truths is that bodegas have never actually closed in any time of strife ever, so there’s no point in stocking up on food/cigarettes/beer before the storm hits. Instead, your time will be better spent perfecting your bodega-run look because, even in a snowstorm riding upon the shit hot wings of death itself, you must maintain your swagtegrity (swag + integrity, word to The Kid Mero). If you decide to be a baby and refuse to go outside, order a pizza from Papa John's. This day is about you, and you deserve it.

Emergency & (W)I(FI)

In all likelihood, the worst thing that could possibly happen today is that your WiFi is going to go down. In case this grave disaster strikes, there’s actually a really easy way to tether your iPhone to your computer and use its 3G to connect to the Internet. The signal is strong enough to steam Netflix, which is all you need, really. If your power goes, then, eh, you’re probably fucked.

Wield An Axe

You’re not actually going to need it, but carrying an axe around your apartment all day OWNS.

Don't Play In The Snow

This is for children and after ten minutes you will absolutely hate yourself. You no longer have the hands of a child and halfway into making that snowman with a boner you will realize you will never regain your youth.

Don't Uber

Your friends will be at that bar next weekend too, but the surge pricing won’t.

Don't Order Drugs

Surge pricing: Not just for Uber.

Paint Your Fingernails

It’s a good way to kill ten minutes, you can pick it off later and it's not like anybody's gonna see your hands at the bodega if you wear gloves like you’re supposed to, so who gives a fuck?

Tinder Or Grindr Or Whatever, No One's Judging Here

On snow days, the number of bored and lonely single people with no one to cuddle up to is at an all-time high. If you count yourself as one of them, you might as well look for love from the comfort of your cozy apartment.

Stay The Fuck Off Of Social Media

If you’re really about that work avoidance life, the absolute last thing you want to do is snitch on yourself. Godspeed. I'll see you on the other side.