The Most Unforgivable Suburban Fashion Sins

The city is the epicenter of style. There, bohemian trendsetters bump up against each other and create the styles that will soon sweep the nation. The residents of rural areas tend to stick to tried and true looks that never go out of style. The suburbs are where fashion goes to die. The land of McMansions and lawn ordinances is the refuge of last year's lamest trends, box store takes on boutique chic, and all that is bland.

Suburban comfort doesn't lend itself to a top shelf fashion game. Business casual 24/7 and department store blouses dominate this bleak landscape. Yet even in the suburban sea of fashion mediocrity, some looks stand out as particularly terrible. Hold onto your khakis because it's time to talk about The Most Unforgivable Suburban Fashion Sins.

Judge the quality of a man by the content of his character. Judge the quality of a man's pants by how few pockets they have. Men tend to have relatively few personal items that they keep on their person. At most, you have your phone, wallet, keys, condoms, chap stick, and mints/gum. The four standard issue pant pockets should be enough to house these items, even on the most promising date night.

Frankly, if you can't fit these items in your available pockets, leave your chap stick or gum at home (keep the condoms though, as leaving them at home will produce infinitely more shit for you to carry around, both physically and metaphorically). The only time you need those terrible side pockets is if you are a shoplifter or a drug dealer, and if you are any good at either profession, you shouldn't need all of those pockets as a crutch.

Judging by their head wear, every suburban male over the age of eighteen secretly wants to be a deep sea fisherman. How else do you explain their need to wear fake sunbeaten pre-ripped hats that look like they've seen hundreds of tuna hauls and lived to tell the tale?

It's hard to tell who is to blame for this trend, whether it's the laid-back-ophilia of Jimmy Buffet and his Parrotheads...

One of the most entertaining parts of college was observing the so-called "just rolled out of bed" look underclassmen girls would cultivate for their early classes. Their hair was always up in a painstakingly created "sloppy bun"; the skinny lattes were always enormous; the most alluring tank top in the closet was worn. The centerpiece of these outfits was sweatpants with text and logos across the backseat, almost always from Hollister, Abercrombie, or American Eagle.

In urban areas, these fancy sweatpants have fallen out of favor for the blessed rise of yoga pants and tights as pants. In the Starbucks's and shopping malls of the suburbs these high-end sweats still run free just as they did in the heyday of Juicy Couture.

I anything, it's at least kind of heartwarming that fashion-forward teen daughters can share some of the same style moves as their fathers, who bring them to the mall in their finest stained wife beaters and decade-old Champion sweatpants.

The problem with the old saying "style over comfort" is that it presupposes that you can't have both. I don't care if Crocs develops a material that gives each your toes little blow jobs, there is no reason that you should ever be caught wearing these. Yet, legions of suburban dads banded together when Crocs were somehow a hot fashion trend and decided that they would collectively make it acceptable to wear them outside of the house. The world is just now beginning to recover from this traumatic event. It is time that we rebelled against this fashion outlaw fathers and tell them that their reliable New Balance sneakers are comfortable enough, and that we will no longer allow these crimes against humanity to be worn in our area super markets, to our recreational baseball games, and at casual family events. Enough is enough.

When you walk into an Applebee's happy hour in the 'burbs, every guy under 35 seems to be wearing his finest gingham. It's like their wardrobe is dictated entirely by the number of Gap gift cards they receive in a given calendar year. That isn't to say that you shouldn't have a gingham shirt or two at the ready for when you want to look particularly folksy for that brunch date at the place with all the wooden furniture, but if a picnic tablecloth would get lost in your closet, it's time to expand your horizons.

Women must be so angry at men when it comes to dressing up. All we had to do was put on a dress shirt and tie, and we decided that was too much. Some rich asshole woke up on his pile of money one day, brushed the cocaine residue from his upper lip, and decreed that if you tuck your shirt in, you are ready for a formal occasion. From that day forward, a fashion move formerly reserved for golfers, chain restaurant waiters, and Best Buy employees was now legitimate preppy semi-formal attire.

I'm from Pennsylvania. When the news of the Jerry Sandusky scandal broke, first I felt terrible for the children, then I felt terrible for the students, then I felt terrible for the local dads whose wardrobe consisted entirely of Penn State sweatshirts and hats.

Even if you aren't a fan of a team with a problematic track record (and you probably are), a closet consisting only of sports gear probably isn't your best look. Not only are you only wearing the same two or three colors every day, but all of your gear has the same animal or offensive caricature on it. If you must show off your fandom on game day, rest assured that a tasteful ball cap, T-shirt, or officially licensed man thong will let the world know how much you care. Unless you are going to the game, you can leave your team branded windbreaker, shirt, pajama pants, beanie, sneakers, and socks at home.

Nothing says "associate manager," "substitute teacher," or "certified public accountant" like a chunky diagonal striped tie. Diagonal striped ties can work. When they do, they usually have thin lines or subtle chromatic variation. Go to any big-time retail store and you'll find a selection of ties with about as nuance and subtlety as a Gallagher-Carrot Top double bill.

When you're looking for a tie that says "Fine, damn it, I'm wearing a tie. Are you happy now?" you'll want to pick up one of these bad boys.

You like Starbucks? Nice, man. Oh, shit, dude, the logo is distressed? Are you some kind of edgy artsy type? Does your band play Sublime songs at sports bar open mics? Do you push for them to include some indie movies at the local "films in the park" events?

Wearing a T-shirt bearing the logo of a Fortune 500 company is the everyday equivalent of wearing a band's shirt to that band's concert, except with an extra helping of capitalist grossness. As if these companies weren't wringing enough cash out of you, they have the gall to sell faded shirts branded with their logo.

Men's Wearhouse and Joseph A. Banks are the twin horsemen of the suburban fashion apocalypse. If you've ever been in a suburban wedding party, you're nodding your head in silent, sorrowful agreement. You remember it like it was yesterday. You join the other groomsmen on the pilgrimage to some strip mall to get your suit fitted by a nineteen year-old dude with spiky hair named Tre. Tre means well, but he puts you in a suit that would make a potato sack look form-fitting. You gently mention that you would like if you didn't look like an 11 year-old who borrowed his dad's suit for church. Tre says, "Oh, you want to look European?" He returns with pants a half-size smaller, and rather than put off much needed catch up drinks at T.G.I. Fridays, you settle for the terrible suit.

I ask the people in charge of these corporations, how are we supposed to bed bridesmaids wearing suits only slightly less comical than a vintage David Byrne suit?

Men from all walks of life are guilty of mandal sins. The first warmish day in any region of America will bring out the gnarly feet of gentlemen from all walks of life.

In the suburbs, however, mandals are legion. When you walk into a bar and a dude is sitting on a stool playing acoustic Dave Matthews Band covers: mandals. When you drive past a group of community college freshmen hanging on their stoop smoking weed: mandals. When the young hip church pastor is "kicking it" at the church ice cream social: mandals.

There is nothing that can be done to stem the tide of suburban mandal abuse. This problem is an epidemic. That being said, it would be criminal for us to stand idly by as the situation gets worse and worse. It is in the spirit of making the world a better place that we present these 5 Com-mandal-ments:

​I. Thou shalt take some care of your feet if you show them in public.

II. Thou shalt not wear mandals with jeans.

III. When possible, thou shalt wear shorts with mandals.

IV. Thou shalt never been seen wearing mandals that look like this unless you are on a camping trip.

V. When someone with a sense of style tells you that your mandals look terrible, thou shalt heed their words. The offending mandals must be disposed of immediately.

Remember, there is a chance that you too will someday call the suburbs home. When that day comes, you can be the change you want to see in the fashion world.