How To Make It Seem Like You're Having The Perfect Spring Break On Social Media

For students, spring break is a wonderful time of year. It's a time to get a week or so of relaxation at home before heading back for the final half of the last semester. For some students who somehow manage to have thousands of dollars to spend despite the fact that they should be broke college students, it's an excuse to go to a tropical paradise and party all the time. Usually after their Floridian excursion, these people light up Facebook with hundreds of pictures of them in bathing suits. During the vacation, they are constantly posting on Twitter and Instagram about how great a goddamn time they are having. I'm having just as fine of a at my home in suburban New Jersey, but you don’t see me accosting every person I see, telling them about how many jellybeans I ate today (13). There is definitely pressure to make it seem like you are having a "cool spring break" while on spring break that, quite frankly, I'm sick of.

If you aren't going to Florida or Mexico, don't sweat it. It's okay. Put the cyanide pill down, you're going to live. I mean it. Put the pill down and I'll tell you how to make it seem like you're having a wonderful spring break on social media, the gladiator ring of our time. Please put it down, so I can start my tips. Please? For me? Put it down. Super! Here are my day-by-day tips. Hey, wait. Don't pick that back up. Put it down. Super! Okay, and now back down again. Down. Down. Down. GREAT!

If you're just hanging around your house during spring break and feel like a chump, here are some tips to make it seem like you had a rad time on social media.

Brendan O'Hare is attempting to be a writer and comedian while living in NYC. Follow his comedy jokes on Twitter here.

Day 1

You have to get started on the right foot. Find a box of old photos. Usually, these are located in a dusty attic or crawl space. Once you’ve obtained the box, look for photos of yourself at the beach. If you’re from one of those middle states, you might be out of luck. Sorry. Take this day off and sleep in all day, and meet up with us at Day 2. Okay, so even if these photos are a bit outdated, it’s okay. You’ll get some “Wow, you look really young!” comments. Those are good comments, because the heat-seeking missile that is death is a real bummer, and that comment could give momentary relief. Take a picture of the picture and upload it to Instagram. Make sure the flash is off and that the photo is of good quality, so no one knows you went into the crawl space and took a picture of a picture.

Day 2

Welcome back, middle states! Today, post a status that says “Havin’ fun at Beach with a special friend!” Do it. Trust me. What’s that? You got a like? By the girl/boy you’ve been crushing on in the dorm/apartment complex? Are the jealous of you? Whoa. People think you’re at the beach with a special someone, when in reality, you aren’t.

Also, set aside a few hours today to download Photoshop. It takes a long time to download and it’s going to come in handy later.

Day 3

Familiarize yourself with Photoshop. Take a day off of social media and do this. It’s an important life skill (and a resume-booster), and will come in handy later.

Day 4

If you have familiarized yourself with photoshop, good. If not, your spring break is fucked. Might as well just admit defeat and come clean to your social media friends, that you spent your entire break with your family at home. Jesus Christ. If you did familiarize yourself, congrats. This means that the world is your oyster. You can photoshop yourself into any picture to make it look like your having a good time. Remember that photo you took a photo of earlier? Take a scan of it and put it on your computer. Boom. Now you can do anything with. Want to add Whoopi Goldberg to it? I know you do. Upload that badboy to Instagram, and you’re guaranteed 7+ likes just from the Whoopi factor alone. You at the beach with Whoopi Goldberg, star of screen? Is that the special friend you posted about on Day 2? That’s for your “friends” to decipher. Best spring break ever.

Day 5

Address the comment you got on your post. “Are you date Woopi Goldburg?” You can say yes or no. If you say no, eh. That’s the honest thing to do. But is it cool? Wouldn’t it be cooler to say you’re in Hawaii with Whoopi Goldberg? Say yes. Just do it. Say yes. There you go. You’re dating Whoopi Goldberg now, son or daughter. 14-year-old you is dating the The View star, but that’s okay. Who will notice?

Day 6

Ignore the voicemails from Team Whoopi. They are getting some bad press on account of her being rumored to date a 14-year-old, and taking said 14-year-old to Hawaii. That’s not your problem. But maybe stay off of social media today. You’re already getting some buzz on the news, I don’t think you need to add anything else. I didn’t want this to happen, obviously. But it’s still a cool spring break, right? Oh Jesus. We’re fucked, man. Team Whoopi is going to rain hell on us. Wait. Not us. You. They’re going to rain hell on you. You posted it. It’s your picture. You spent the money on photoshop. Ha ha! See you in hell, shitbrain.

Day 7

Okay, I’m sorry about what I said. Does you posting the things I wrote you indict me? Maybe. Yes, probably. 100% yeah. But this apology has nothing to do with that. I came back to ask, did you have a fun spring break? What do you mean no? I’m sorry Team Whoopi broke into your house with a battering ram at 2 AM last night. But you didn’t have to get me on the phone to tell them I was the cause of this. They then broke into my house and threw me into a Team Whoopi truck and tortured me, Whoopi-Style (Chinese Water Torture) for a few hours until I relented and admitted guilt. I’m going to jail now. Not real jail. Whoopi Jail. It’s located in the basement of The View. Bye. Post a Facebook status saying ”Fun break!”