The Four Pins Guide To Subtweeting

Subtweets are as much a part of life in 2015 as brushing your teeth, taking a shower and drinking an artisanal, free trade cold brew. Every single day you're logged into Twitter Dot Com is another day for you to get subtweeted and the more popular you are, the more likely it is to happened. If it hasn't happened to you already, it will. You can bet the house on it.

There is an art to the perfect subtweet. If done right, your subject will be left dazed and confused (no McConaughey), paranoid and wondering if your quick-witted, tongue-in-cheek retort was meant for them. They may never know the truth, but you will. You can revel in your ability to cut down a stranger who you may never meet and momentarily satisfy the bottomless black hole that is your heart.

I myself have never sent a subtweet. I have also never told a lie online. You may be wondering how I'm qualified to write this listicle. Fret not, my sweet child, for no one who writes on the Internet is qualified. But I do get paid $.01 per word to write in the Four Pins freelance dungeon and Lawrence demands his content, so here it is, the Four Pins guide to subtweeting.

Alex Hancock is a writer living in the future so the present is his past, but really he's in Indianapolis. Read his subtweets about you here.

Step 1: Sign Up For A Twitter Account

Please do not do this. It's not worth it. Every single morning I wake up and rue the day I hit "Yes, I would like to sign up for this Twitter account" six years ago. The Internet is a horrible place. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either trying to have sex with you or is a confirmed liar. Truss me daddi.

Step 2: Become The Type Of Person Who Sends A Subtweet

The longer you spend on the Internet, the more prone you are to send a subtweet. It becomes part of your code. You see an out of pocket tweet and your first instinct is to lash out and aim for digital necks. You must react, otherwise you will never be able to sleep without that person's 140-character brain vomit permeating every nook and cranny of your restless mind.

Step 3: Pick A Target

This is the easiest part, especially if you work in media or live in New York. Most likely, the subject of your subtweet will be someone who you disagree with or someone you perceive as having wronged you. Maybe your significant other is sending flirty tweets to someone not named you. Or maybe that person you've been hate-following for seven months finally said something that crossed the line and you want publicly distance yourself from their shitty opinion. With how many opinions are shared on Twitter constantly, the world is your spoiled oyster.

Step 4: Find Your Target's Weak Spot

Everyone has a weak spot, I believe Jesus said that in The Bible. You must spend the time digging through weeks and weeks of online, digital content in order to find one. But once you do, game, blouses. Are they a writer? Take a shot at how little clicks they get. Are they a musician? Tell them they have exactly zero confirmed slappers. Are they just a regular tweeter? Point out how their memes aren't dank at all.

Step 5: Pick Your Wording Carefully

This is the most important part of the entire process. If you fuck this up, you will be shamed into oblivion by a legion of tweeters. This will give you vivid flashbacks to that time in high school where the kid who had a beard in 6th grade said your dick was little. Avoid. That. At. All. Costs. It has to be the perfect balance of obvious, yet subtle; evident, but shrouded in total mystery.

Step 6: Proofread Your Subtweet

The only thing more embarrassing than actually sending a subtweet, is fucking one up. Be sure to give your subtweet a look over. Send it to your best friend who graduated college with a useless English degree and sits in front of an Excel spreadsheet all day pretending to do work. Send it to that teacher in high school you became friends with because you felt like everyone your age was immature and lowkey you also wanted to smash. The last thing you want is to lean back in your chair with a smug grin, notice a typo and scramble to delete and re-tweet your petty 140.

Step 7: Send Your Subtweet

Now that you've completed steps one through six, it's important to look inside yourself and question whether or not you're ready to be labelled a subtweeter. Is this the path your mother paved for you when she paid for that pricey, private high school and even pricier, private college education? Is this how your father saw his favorite child turning out? If you're willing to commit to this lifestyle, you're ready to hit send. Give the tweet one more self-satisfied look over and hit send.

Step 8: Revel In Your Egotistical, Self-Righteous Glory

There's no going back. This is your life now. Your brow is sweat and your hands are shaking from the adrenaline coursing through your body. Your subtweet is out in the ether, ready to be devoured by the hungry wolves online. The only thing left to do is brew a cup of tea and sip it like the primordial green lizard that lives inside all of us.

Step 9: Continue Being An Unfulfilled Human

God, you're so fucking corny, fam lmao. Who even has the time to send a subtweet anymore in 2015? There are so many other things you could be doing with your time, including, but not limited to: going outside and looking at a tree, having sex and reading Four Pins once. Plus, you now have to make a mental note of who you sent the subtweet to in an effort to make sure you don't send another for at least a week. Oh, would you look at that, another burden on your already dull and dispirited life. The moral of the story here? NEVER SUBTWEET.