The Best Coachella Fits Of All Time

Unless you're a married father of two who doesn't have a Twitter account, you know Coachella is this weekend. If you live in Los Angeles, everyone you know is either going, complaining about not going or complaining about people being excited to go. In the 15 years since its inception, Coachella has slowly morphed from a desert-based, live music experience into the number one way for online entities to further their personal brands. Also, there is music. Everyone who is anyone will be there and it will be documented on every form of social media known to man.

I wanted to write a guide to surviving Coachella, but we already wrote one of those two years ago and you don't need 10 more slides with dece jokes and zero helpful information. Plus, the answer is pretty simple: Don't go to Coachella. You won't have to worry about rowdy teens rolling on molly or surly youths drinking too many Heinekens at the Sahara tent if you're sitting on your couch. You won't have to worry about your phone running out of battery when all seven lightning cables you were forced to purchase because they break in one week break. You never have to worry about sunburn or large crowds if you never leave your house.

Instead of all that, I spent a hour in the Google Images archives trying to find the best alphets ever seen at the Polo Grounds. Because, if I can't give you a guide to surviving, I can at least give you inspiration for shaming the lowly tastemakers with Klout scores under 60 thanks to some Expertly Crafted Clothing Ensembles™. After all, you may run into someone hot and they might let you consensually do an sex with them (if you're lucky), but that won't happen if your fit is garbage.

Disclaimer: Cameras weren't invented until 2008, so all the looks presented here are going to be from 2008 onward. If you want to be hella corny and list all the fire looks from pre-Obama in the comments section, go ahead. But also consider this option: Text an old friend and grab some froyo. So, without further adieu, here are the best looks in Coachella history.

[Lead image via Reuters]

Alex Hancock would rather be drinking a Heineken by the Sahara Tent. Follow him on Twitter here.

Jared Leto (2009)

If you've read Four Pins once, you know we pray to Jared Leto every night before we go to bed. Once you get accepted into the Pins Illuminati, you're contractually forced to make a sacrifice to the Leto shrine at the beginning and end of every month. And even tho Drew thinks Leto is "the pinnacle of mediocrity," we still invite him to the family dinner table. Regardless of your opinion on J-man, you can't knock dude’s penchant for being the poster child of Coachella fashion. He's like an alt bro's vision board come to life. I mean, just look at this motherfucker's pants!

Jaden and Willow Smith (2014)

I'm pro-Jaden and Willow because it's corny to clown teens for wanting to read and learn about the world no matter how out there their tweets may happen to get. At this point, if you don't know they're in on the joke, you need to unplug your WiFi. And honestly, Jaden and Willow dress like half the people who read this site, so you're straight up lying to yourself if you don't think this is fire. Plus, their dad is Will Smith, who was the Fresh Prince and you will respect any and all of his offspring forever and ever. Amen.

Solange (2010)

The formula for Coachella womenswear is surprisingly simple: Just wear whatever you want and you will probably look good. Dude's (myself included) need to take a page out of the fairer sex's playbook because some of y'all try so hard and you end up looking a mess. It has to be some sort of devil magic or just the horny male brain that makes it so, but anything a woman wears looks fire. Either way, here we are. If Solange can keep it simple then so can we.

Kid Cudi (2014)

That sound you just heard is the collective sigh of frustration and subsequent exiting out of this article by all the dudes reading this who still say "no homo" in 2015 on a regular basis. It's time for you to embrace the crop top, my sweet children. Throw out all the entrenched ideas of masculinity you learned and let those abs fly free. It has been confirmed by the National Women's Association that they're down for the look, so you're only doing yourself a disservice by dismissing and missing the bandwagon. According to a science I just made up, the less shirt you have on, the more likely you are to have sex. Come spring 2016, everyone's just gonna be wearing sports bras.

Rihanna (2014)

There is no way to describe Rihanna other than "hot." Many have tried to find other words, but none have succeeded. I fucking love her in both the "she is great" way and the "I want her to kill me in my sleep" way. I assume that if I ever got the chance to meet Rihanna, I would go blind because what else is going to be more beautiful than seeing her face in person? No one else on God's green earth can pull this look off and no one else should try it. But we can all benefit from embodying Rihanna's spirit and allow ourselves to be a little more rowdy ever now and again.

Rita Ora (2013)

I know this is a tired joke by now, but I legitimately still do not know what it is that Rita Ora actually does. The only concrete answer I've come up with is that she's a rich socialite who has other interests? This is good enough for me. She has cornered the market on being invited to important events seemingly without having a reason to be there though, which means she's essentially famous for being relevant and relevant for being famous. I think? While I may never find true peace on this topic, what I do know is more women should wear rompers. Rita's romper/dress hybrid worn here is a fire look. Rita, if you're reading this, I’m ready for you to ruin my life hmu.

Paris Hilton (2012)

While I was writing this, I had the following thought: There's going to be an entire generation of kids who know Paris Hilton as a DJ first and foremost. I guess becoming a DJ is the new rehab. They won't know about the sex tapes or the TV shows or the tabloids. Fuck, getting older is crazy. Anyway, the Hiltons have been and always will be the patron saints of scripted television fuckerexcellence. They've fathered an entire generation of reality stars and socialites. Paris Hilton is an icon and you will respect her. Also, flower crowns are played out now so please stop wearing them.

Prince (2008)

What a fucking legend. Prince is the only person in existence who can wear your auntie's clothes while also having sex with your auntie. The only person who can pull off a studded, white dashiki with matching pants is The Purple One, so please don't try this at home. But you can learn an important life lesson here: It’s okay to dress comfortably when the temperatures reach 100 degrees and you're in the desert. Don't be a hardo. The only thing less dope than bricking a fit is dying from heat exhaustion.

Models (Assorted Years)

Models are professional hot people, which is a pretty sick gig if you can swing it. In order to remain professional hot people, models have to be seen and the best place to do that is in the desert with thousands of other people desperately craving to be seen. Like most people who are paid to be professionally attractive, they also look good in anything they wear. It's like a cheat code. I predict the influx of models to Coachella this year will be record setting thanks to the burgeoning "Instagram Model" class and, yes, even the nearly extinct “Tumblr Model” sub-genre. Fair warning however, do not try to do an sex with a model because none of them will fuck you. I've asked them. This is confirmed.

Kanye West (2011)

LOOK AT GOD. You knew this wouldn't be a Four Pins list without including our one true lord and savior, Kanye Omari West. If he can wear a Céline women's blouse then you also can try and fail miserably to wear women's clothing and end up looking like a swagless cretin because you are not, in fact, Kanye Omari West. I know it's commonplace for one to to say that they would go back in time and kill Hitler or whatever when asked they would do with a time machine, but, in all honesty, I would be wildly self-serving and go see Kanye's 2011 Coachella performance. I mean, he gets on a crane, guys!