Unless you're a married father of two who doesn't have a Twitter account, you know Coachella is this weekend. If you live in Los Angeles, everyone you know is either going, complaining about not going or complaining about people being excited to go. In the 15 years since its inception, Coachella has slowly morphed from a desert-based, live music experience into the number one way for online entities to further their personal brands. Also, there is music. Everyone who is anyone will be there and it will be documented on every form of social media known to man.
I wanted to write a guide to surviving Coachella, but we already wrote one of those two years ago and you don't need 10 more slides with dece jokes and zero helpful information. Plus, the answer is pretty simple: Don't go to Coachella. You won't have to worry about rowdy teens rolling on molly or surly youths drinking too many Heinekens at the Sahara tent if you're sitting on your couch. You won't have to worry about your phone running out of battery when all seven lightning cables you were forced to purchase because they break in one week break. You never have to worry about sunburn or large crowds if you never leave your house.
Instead of all that, I spent a hour in the Google Images archives trying to find the best alphets ever seen at the Polo Grounds. Because, if I can't give you a guide to surviving, I can at least give you inspiration for shaming the lowly tastemakers with Klout scores under 60 thanks to some Expertly Crafted Clothing Ensembles™. After all, you may run into someone hot and they might let you consensually do an sex with them (if you're lucky), but that won't happen if your fit is garbage.
Disclaimer: Cameras weren't invented until 2008, so all the looks presented here are going to be from 2008 onward. If you want to be hella corny and list all the fire looks from pre-Obama in the comments section, go ahead. But also consider this option: Text an old friend and grab some froyo. So, without further adieu, here are the best looks in Coachella history.
Alex Hancock would rather be drinking a Heineken by the Sahara Tent. Follow him on Twitter here.
1. kanyecoachella
2. leto 1
3. jaden and willow 2
4. solange 3
5. kid cudi 4
6. rihanna 5
7. rita ora 6
Rita Ora (2013)
I know this is a tired joke by now, but I legitimately still do not know what it is that Rita Ora actually does. The only concrete answer I've come up with is that she's a rich socialite who has other interests? This is good enough for me. She has cornered the market on being invited to important events seemingly without having a reason to be there though, which means she's essentially famous for being relevant and relevant for being famous. I think? While I may never find true peace on this topic, what I do know is more women should wear rompers. Rita's romper/dress hybrid worn here is a fire look. Rita, if you're reading this, I’m ready for you to ruin my life hmu.
8. paris hilton 7
9. prince 8
10. models 9
11. kanye coachella
