There are few things in life I find quite as satisfying as roasting someone who deserves it. Life is inherently unfair to most people and we all have to put up with an inordinate amount of bullshit on a daily basis. If someone violates you, there are few options for recourse. Dueling is no longer legal and if you smack someone in the mouth you could potentially catch a life-altering court case. As civilized people, we are often left with no way to get our satisfaction. No justice. This can leave you feeling helpless, powerless and out of control.
Enter the roast. For those who are unfamiliar, to roast someone is to mock them with witty and well-timed comments aka "you fried him yung." Devastating awful people verbally is uniquely rewarding because if it's really done right, you'll enrage them and demonstrate your power to control their emotional state. They will flail around and end up humiliating themselves even further, effectively doing your job for you.
The Internet and social media have fundamentally changed the way we communicate with the world around us. The size of our audience has increased and made everything we say more permanent, for better or worse. There are records and receipts now. The Internet is eternal. We are now instantaneously connected with strangers we might have never met in our normal lives otherwise.
Most importantly, to me at least, the Internet has revolutionized the way people get roasted. Years ago you might have gotten fried and been humiliated for a few days in your social circle, and then it was forgotten. Now, your comeuppance can be shared with a simple click of the button and, all of the sudden, you just went viral for all the wrong reasons.
Despite the risks, many people still make the ill-advised choice to take unnecessary swings at strangers publicly. A perfect example of this would be Polo Tapia, the man who tried to mock Tom from MySpace for reasons unknown.
WOW. Tom lept over Polo, dunked on him and shattered the backboard. Polo's pants fell down on stage in front of the whole school. Devastating. I tried to put myself in Polo's shoes and it made my chest hurt imagining how that moment felt. This was so demoralizing that Polo deleted his Twitter account because having his notifications so full of strangers laughing at him was probably destroying his self-esteem.
What did Polo do wrong? Follow my advice and ensure that you don't make the same mistakes as this poor, stupid bastard. These are the five rules to the roast:
1. Only Roast Those Who Deserve It
Tom from Myspace really didn't say anything worth mocking in his tweet. Polo was a clown who saw a famous person expressing their opinion and made a feeble and uncalled for attempt at humor that got swiftly and visibly shot down. It has since been retweeted over 14,000 times. All too often, I watch randoms almost dislocate their shoulders with a reach only to have it completely backfire on them, which brings me to my next point.
2. Don't Seek Out Targets
Save your roasts for those who trespass against you and your loved ones. Replying instead of being the aggressor gives you time to react, material to work with and it makes you less likely to leave yourself exposed with that first strike.
3. Learn How to Spot People's Insecurities
If you're adept at observational humor, you already have a competitive advantage in roasting. Paying attention to people and their actions will in time reveal their insecurities. This is material you can use to roast them. Poke them in their sore spot and they are guaranteed to react.
4. Don't Be An Asshole
Of course, to keep things tasteful, only target things within their control. For example, if someone is willfully ignorant, you could point out that they probably read clickbait articles dragging their finger across the screen while mouthing the words. Shitting on people for things they cannot control (i.e. disabilities, physical features, etc.) isn't funny. It just makes you an asshole. Remember, it's easy to make fun of someone's appearance. It takes a skilled master roaster to make fun of their life.
5. Have Fun With It
This is jokes after all—an opportunity to creatively exhibit your wit. No need to take it so seriously.
I'd like to now give you an opportunity to practice. Roast the individual below in the comment section and I'll reply to the best ones with pointers.
Lucas Tyson is the plug living in New York. Follow him on Twitter here.