I'm all for a solid conspiracy theory and this breaking new development is the perfect article of clothing to quench my thirst. A British scientist has developed anti-radiation underwear to protect your junk from the dangerous and violent waves your smartphone in the front pocket of your pants is projecting. Though, your medicinal marijuana finesse will definitely suffer. Shout out Randy Marsh. They're called Wireless Armour and are the most over the top, paranoid, reactionary shit I've seen in a minute.

You can opt for 180 degree or full 360 degree coverage. On the 180 (which cost $38 per pair), only the front panel of the briefs has the signature Radiatex® fabric, which is a blended with silver to deflect 99.97% of dangerous electromagnetic waves from getting to your precious cargo. If you're feeling particularly vulnerable, you can get full coverage with the 360 degree option (a steeper $55 rate). Apparently, some studies have shown that regular exposure to phones is associated with roughly an 8% drop in fertile sperm. Evidence isn't conclusive by any means, but this is a precaution for those who are very concerned with their genital health.

This really feels like the early day rumor mongering of cell phones causing brain cancer or, my person favorite, the whole Mountain Dew sperm genocide thing that was popping, like, a decade ago. Damn, those were the days. Anyway, if you need some new draws to match your tinfoil hat, you can pick up some protection right now.