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You read that title and thought to yourself, "He won’t start with a Hulu story." Wrong. I was watching Hulu the other day when it recommended Hey Arnold! At first, I was like naaahhh, then I hedged a bit and was like okay, one. And that one was the episode where Arnold tries to complete the list of "perfect Saturday" activities. As of 5 days ago when I watched it, no kid had ever finished the list within 24 hours (how crazy in a world with Uber). Which sounds like they made it too hard. Which is funny to me. So I created an equally difficult Saturday list that's sure get your Internet gland all swole and I'm calling it the "Most #Menswear Saturday Ever" (hereafter, MMSE). It's equal parts bucket list, royal decree and Dionysian pleasure cruise, but also 100% a case of Lawrence letting me talk about whatever the fuck I want because he's sick of dealing with me. So, let's chat in this Uber and please split the fare with me. Sale season made my bank account ineligible to play Final Jeopardy.
First thing you do on MMSE is something you sort of do the night before MMSE: Wake up in pajamas of which you're not embarrassed. Don't get it twisted, I love a comfy pair of shorts whose retirement from the gym was necessitated by a mid-rep crotch blowout. But what you wake up wearing sets the tone for the day. On this specific day, wear something made of a material that's fun to say or else regular lounge clothes that could be preceded by "fancy"?
Next thing you must do is get dressed. Don't plan it the night before because you know sometimes you wake up and those laid out dad jeans ripped at the knee and your mood aren't quite fucking with one another? So you need to pull a Cher Horowitz and test every top and bottom combination. Settle on something before the teleology of it sets in and you keep on what you wore to bed and rethink this whole #menswear thing.
Now that you've settled on something, you need to second guess the shit out of it. Go ahead and remove the alphet you pieced together and opt instead for something that will make people want to throw you kisses and whistles down the street. You won't find it unless you excavate your closet and/or shine an iPhone light under your bed. But once you do, you'll know because you'll say to yourself, "Wow, how did I forget about this $550 thing until just now?"
Soon as you find it you're on to the next step: Wearing an article of clothing out for the first time. Maybe they're cool new pants like the ones that cool guy 'grammed that time. Maybe it's a corduroy gardening shirt Oi Polloi calls a "Seed Bomb Jacket." Maybe it's a fucking Allen Iverson compression sleeve. I dunno. But hurry up and put that shit on because, duh, you're late for brunch, homie.
Brunch, the next thing on the list, is probably is something you already do on Saturdays, but it's also the only thing you do on Saturdays that is cool so let's not hot swap what's already working. Your companion can be your girl or your boy or the squad, provided that your squad is also men who are also past the stage of feeling slightly ashamed of being slightly ashamed of their enthusiasm for fashion. I won't prescribe the venue other than to say it should be a place where you can get a table in the comforting proximity of basic b's.
The sixth thing you do on MMSE is actually something you need to be doing throughout MMSE, but I just thought of it, so it's number six. And that thing is looking at the Internet. MMSE doesn't count if you aren't "popping ‘grams" all day (had Urban Dictionary confirm that term doesn't mean hooking up with a grandma) and checking every Twitter push notification. And if you look at the Internet, number seven should take care of itself.
Discover a trend you weren't aware is wildly popular. An anecdote: I know someone (don't ask if it's me, I won't admit it) who didn't know what Normcore was until The New York Times wrote a whole big thing on it and then also wrote follow-up pieces clarifying things from the first piece. When you find this trend, you need to become an expert on it within 10 minutes (or be good at imitating same) and then down low lampoon it to a couple of your friends or on the TL, all the while pretending you've known about it a spell and are finally tired of it.
Once that is done, your next move is to walk to the part of New York where nice clothes are sold (if you don't live in New York, you can keep looking at the Internet for this part) and try on a bunch of stuff. Go nuts! The key is not spending money, only letting expensive things touch your skin. Which is torture, but also pleasurable, but also risky because there's no safe word to relieve the pressure and make what you're trying on yours. Plus, everyone knows. Because you're making faces.
Your last MMSE task is to drink beers after hours in a menswear store with the owners and their cool friends. This only counts if they are cooler than you and are dressed better than you. Listen quietly while they talk about what they did that day and come to the realization they had a more #Menswear Saturday than you. It will bum you out. Then, you'll remember you're doing all this because some dude on the Internet named Rick watched Hey Arnold! And that will bum you out even more.
Rick Morrison is a writer living in North Carolina. Follow him on Twitter here.