The resident swag lords of the best menswear website on the Internet school you on the basics of the alphet-bet.

I operate under the belief that one shall not stunt at church. But in the past year or so, some of the cool cats in my congregation started to low-key stunt hard. Should I descend from the Subtle-Alphet™ heavens to flex on them, or maintain the sanctity of a holy No-Flex Zone?

My gut reaction is to hit you with the “LMAO, God isn’t even real, dawg” because I’m a legitimately bad person, but I’ll go against my better (see: worse) judgment and approach this from the perspective of a man of (very little) faith. I absolutely do not think church is a holy No-Flex Zone. On the contrary: Isn’t the point of church to celebrate the Lord and the glory of that which he has bestowed upon us, his loyal flock? And wouldn’t that include all the dope alphets and fire jawnz populating His Kingdom on Earth? While I have obviously read the holy scriptures of Four Pins more than once, I have never cracked the spine on a Bible. And assuming I’ve nailed this God shit (pause, pause, pause), I think a healthy level of flexing in a house of worship is fair game. Don’t be a fucking dickhead­—keep things subtle, as you already seem inclined to do, but maybe wait until you step outside to Instagram your Visvims. — Lawrence Schlossman

What is the future of Adidas?

Do you want some REAL, HARD-HITTING, VERY LEGIT analysis? OK: Adidas is actually going to be a formidable rival for Nike soon, something it hasn’t been in the past few years. The brand’s turning out shoes people want to buy, whether they’re newer (like the Tubular) or bringing back old models (like the Stan Smith and the Superstar). The Stan Smith dominated 2014 like the Flyknit did in 2012, and it looks like 2015 will be the Superstar’s year. It’s almost as if people forgot adidas existed while Nike released a consistent string of bangers, and we’re all just now rediscovering it together. It’s got a retro feel that Nike doesn’t, and one that’s become incredibly popular recently. adidas also has the benefit of name recognition via lauded designers like Raf Simons, Rick Owens, and Yohji Yamamoto, which keeps the brand very relevant in a very particular conversation. The Adidas resurgence isn’t simply a trend; if ze Germans keep bringing out smart, new models and stay intelligent about retros, Adidas will become the powerful force in the game that it once was. — Skylar Bergl

I always know how to dress when cooking (read: frying up the haterz and even destroying the self-esteem of the people in my squad), but how should I dress when actually cooking? If I’m dressed up in the kitchen I might look dope—sauté a little swag here, dice a little swag there, sprinkle some swag on it, you know—but how am I gonna impress the biddies and buddies if I spill sauce all over my next-level gawd shit? Is there such a thing as “indestructible smock game?”

You pretty much answered your own question. When you’re cooking, wear a fucking apron, or never spill anything, ever. Those are your two options in the kitchen (unless you’re cooking rock, in which case, just cook your rock naked like a real trap star). Thankfully, there are a ton of nice aprons available. My best friend in the whole wide world, Daiki Suzuki of Engineered Garments, makes the dopest aprons out right now. He even designed the uniforms for a restaurant (top NYC ramen slurp-spot Ippudo, pause). My advice for what to wear while whipping up that gastrique: a nice, tall white tee, jeans, and an incredibly expensive apron. Your food will probably still taste like shit, but at least you’ll look good while you work on your knife skills. Please, resist all urges to post photos of your struggle plates on Instagram. No one will like you if you do that, even if your seven-minute egg is lit as fuck. — Jon Moy

Seinfeld or Fresh Prince?

Damn. Really coming with the heat this time, guys. If you’ve read Four Pins enough and perhaps follow me on Twitter (@skylarbergl ayyyyyyyy) you’d know that I’m among the biggest Seinfeld fans in the world, and would choose Jerry and the gang over Noted Scientologist Will Smith, any day. Seinfeld was a pioneer for how it addressed everyday events and certain touchy societal events in the ’90s, while The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air dropped a lower-class Will Smith in with some West Coast one-percenters. Both are great shows, but this is Four Pins, and we care about the ’fits. Seinfeld barely edges out The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in that regard for a few reasons. Jerry was (and still is) a noted fan of sneakers, Elaine actually worked in fashion at J. Peterman and loved high-end kits, George pioneered “dressing according to mood,” and Kramer is the bowling shirt and cabana wear gawd. If you were to squad up in an effort to get street styled at Fashion Week, the Seinfeld crew would probably be a better bet. — S.B.

Are Four Pins writers just like us? Do they get weed resin on their John Elliott + Co. sweats, too?

A: In the great pantheon of fire analogies from which I can apply to your question—Transformers, Animorphs, Voltron, Beetleborgs, et al—I think Pokémon is best suited here. Meaning, yeah, sure, Four Pins writers are just like you, but not exactly, because we are “advanced.” We are the Charmeleon or, in my particular case, the Charizard to your Charmander. You and I are cut from the same cloth and share the same DNA, but I am the 2.0 physical manifestation of the sheer possibilities your life can one day contain, assuming you amass enough power points in battle or whatever the fucking point of Pokémon was. I mean, has anyone ever emailed you asking for your opinion? [Exhales ginormous bong rip.] Exactly. — L.S.

What’s the appropriate Pinz-approved condom? Are ribbed condoms equivalent to floating canvas in a jacket? Or did condoms peak in the ’90s?

Um, what? I mean…the best condom is the condom that works. All you need a condom to do is keep your dillz healthy and prevent you from procreating. If you want to get fancy with ribs or whatever, go for it man. That’s all you. Really, in terms of deciding what kind of condom to use, you should probably ask your sexual partner. Their opinion on this matter is way more important than mine. Just make sure you use a condom. Your personal brand can’t survive a hit like copping the clap, my g. And if you think about it, the last thing the world needs right now is another you. “Safe Sex and Paychecks” isn’t just a Rae Sremmurd song, it’s a lifestyle. Live it up. — J.M.

This feature originally appeared in the April/May issue of Complex.

Illustration by Joonbug

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