Greetings to all the Mac Daddies, playas and pimps out there steady surfin' the webs responsibly. I see you playboys. Yesterday, Apple decided to smarten up the wristwear game a lil' and release some of that new crack, straight from the stu, for the fiends in the street. I'm hearing a few reports out of Cali that Dre only gave this strain 3 head nods and since it's definitely no Detox ima have to agree with the Doc's sagely 3 head nods. This wearable crack will hit the block early 2015, so you fuccbois should put away ya boy scout tents and Supreme lawn chairs 'til the proper pre-release time is announced by the squad. As of right now, it's healthy for you to kick back and contemplate with Scooby Wu about life especially if you're really tryna upgrade ya dainty wristicles from that damn Lego watch you've been wearin' to match ya heart.
Since I'm no Mark Zuckerberg I'm not gonna try to spit all the little technical dimensions of this time-teller. However, I will do some Ms. Cleo crystal ballin' and give some straightforward predictions as I have been known to do in the past. If you want to know how much the watch weighs and how shiny the screen is then go fuckin' buy it when it drops and avoid my oracle-like opinions all together. SIMPLE. 3 heads nods out of 5 is what the doctors say and ima go with 3 nods as well, but this is only my unprofessional opinion. Without Dre's album credits on this release, this is a 2 out of 5. EASY. It's a 4 out of 5 on the strength that they do a sophomore drop as a follow up and it can be a 5 out of 5 if they never make another fuckin' watch again. But that's a different story. The homie Timothy has been Cookin' crack over in Cupertino since Stevie left and that's no problem. But since this is fashion + technology, I gotta tackle both sides of the spectrum for y'all.
As of right now, the crystal ball is tellin' me IT AIN'T RALPH THO. SIMPLE. On the tech side, it's strugworthy, but on the fashion side, IT AIN'T RALPH THO, playas. Johnny Appleseed over in the design department could've definitely done a better job IMHO. The kid must've broken a few of Dieter Rams' sacred 10 commandments on this one just tryna spite Steve Jobs/God. I'm just sayin', I honestly thought they had Dre as one of the Magi, not fuckin will.i.am. This looks almost as half-baked as Willy's Mount Yeezus haircut IMHO.
But at the end of the day, the game will always be the same, playas, and we will all struggle with the thought of wearing this device right here. I am going to pass on this one and will probably wait 'til the Apple Watch The Throne 2 drops. In the meantime, and in between time, shout out to all you early adopters keeping the club warm while we arrive fashionably late. Please have a drink on me.
Scooby Wu is a private investigator usually seen sauntering in the streets of London and pissing on the doorstep of 221B Baker St. London NW1 6XE England. You can troll him in the comments below and follow him on Twitter here.