Geez. Okay. Um. I seriously was not expecting this *reaches into pocket, pulls out folded up piece of paper, clears throat*.
Honestly, I'm still in shock. Wow. Just wow. I cannot believe how fortunate I am to be in this position. To think, just moments ago, I was sitting in my chair with a gaping hole in my heart that only material goods could fill, and now, here I am, with certifiably fire jawnz headed my way. This is crazy. Just nuts. Where to even begin...
First of all I wanna thank my connect, for both texting and e-mailing me that bit.ly link leading straight to the product because only lames got time for navigating from the homepage. Also, thank you for offering to spot me if I Venmo'd you later. But, fortunately, that didn't need to happen.
Which brings me to Bank of America. Bless you for giving me the option to use my debit card as a credit card because that way I will not face overdraft fees for the 205 dollars plus 15 dollars shipping I just dropped, even though my bank account only has $5 in it right now. I promise the direct deposit will be in at midnight.
And, of course, I wouldn't be here today without you, Gmail. Thank you for corroborating that my order had indeed been received and will be shipped within 3 to 5 business days. And with the quickness. Truly, truly amazing.
A huge thank you also goes out to Trés Bien, for consistently stocking that hot fire, and that ill 20% VAT discount. I acknowledge the preferential treatment you give your U.S. customers since we don't live under a socialist state. Oh right, also thank you for using FedEx because UPS is a harsh, fickle mistress.
I'd like to shout out my parents, whose constant disapproval of me has only fueled my insecurities, sending my self-confidence to extremely low levels that are temporarily elevated by the euphoria of dropping serious guap on crispy, fashionable goods. One day Dad, you will understand why Raf Simons is truly a god who walks amongst us mortals.
Before I forget, I just want to thank the Internet for perpetuating the idea that successfully purchasing an over-hyped item is an act worthy of praise. Thank you for exacerbating consumer culture and turning us all into self-hating, materialistic monsters. Thank you for making me realize that money can buy happiness, that happiness being Quickstrike sneakers and fishtail parkas that cost double my rent. I would not be here today if you hadn't shown me the way.
*Music begins to play, softly at first, but building* Damn, I see I'm running out of time. Respect-to-all-the-hypebeasts-the-blogs-the-bloggers-the-real-influencers-Instagram-my-Klout-score-all-the-fans-on-social-media-and-the-fuccbois-I'm-about-to-stunt-on. WE MADE IT *drops mic*.
