Hip-Hop Horoscopes

Do you feel lost? Has life got you scratching your domepiece? Has real love escaped you lately? Fear not because there are answers to these questions and more.

The celestial cosmos of space and rhyme will reveal to you the many answers to life's toughest quandaries and predicaments. See, yours truly has teamed up with today's biggest hip-hop stars to kick that astral knowledge one time for your mind. Join me and a few famous friends as we pop a star chart and tilt our crystal headbands to the side like a real goon should, as we reveal what the future has in store.

Skip Class is a writer living in Seattle. See more of his work here and follow him on Twitter here.

Juicy J (Aries 3/21–4/19)

There’s some trippy astral energy going on for Aries, mane. You say no to change, but Aries can’t! Things are shaping up rather nicely for you, player. Continue going with your gut. Hanging out with younger rappers that dress like Cruella de Vil has panned out well for you thus far. All you really need is a zip and a double cup and your karma is gonna be high as fuck. A steady relationship might not be the best thing for you right now, Aries. Maybe try out a few of these ratchets and find what works best for you.

Ghostface Killah (Taurus 4/20–5/20)

Taurus is one of the most knowledgeable gods and earths of the zodiac, nahmean. Your whole aura is dripping like marble cake, son. Make sure you avoid smart dumb shark biting motherfuckers and alladat. Keep your bulletproof wallets stuffed with cream like Julio Iglesias and respect that god body diet. No pork on the fork. Drink lots of them natural juice shits in your Teflon pajama set. Don’t be afraid to show naysayers that you rock eagles on your arm and Medusa plates around your neck.

Kanye West (Gemini 5/21–6/21)

Oh Gemini, are you ever satisfied? Are you still seeking to be revered as a God amongst mortals? Maybe try doing something other than selling $120 virgins on the Internet. Stop trying to be so provocative. It might feel good to sex up someone’s Hampton spouse in the superficial sense, but c’mon, you’re better than that. Regardless, don't settle for a golddigger. It may also behoove you to get rid of the numerous “yes men” in your circle. For example: someone that might tell you to NOT wear a leather kilt. That is what the universe calls a true friend in case you forget what those are.

50 Cent (Cancer 6/22–7/22)

Things haven’t been too bad for you lately, Cancer. You’re not on top of the world yelling GGGGGGGGG-Unit anymore, but you’re also not tied down to exclusive production deals with Reebok either, so that’s kind of cool. You’re older and wiser. You don’t have to instigate petty beefs to get the attention you once so desperately craved. You’ve made some solid investments and they have paid off pretty damn well. My advice to you is to stay the path. Try and not get anyone pregnant, especially a Kardashian *coughs* Gemini *coughs*. Stay strapped with that jimmyhat instead of a shirtless bulletproof vest.

Chief Keef (Leo 7/23–8/22)

THESE ZODIACS LUUUHHHH SOSA/DIE ON SOME ROAD BOY/ MOLLY WATTA/ NOW DAT BWOI SLUMPT OVVVAAAAA. Sometimes I have trouble understanding you, Leo, but I know you mean well. Let’s see what the stars advise for you...firstly, stop getting arrested. We know that you keep it three hunna and you’re not afraid to bang bang, but if you would just put down that loudpack for one second and think before you act, you might help avoid some unneeded stress. Try new things this month. Instead of wearing white Trues on top of another pair of white Trues, perhaps give Levi’s a shot. You may find that their lack of colored grandma yarn gives you that sense of dignity you’ve so recently lacked.

2 Chainz (Virgo 8/23–9/22)

Virgo, I know at times you think life is just about riding around and gettin' it, but there are, in fact, levels to this shit. Fiscally speaking, the whole “it’s mine/I spennn it” ethos is not as sustainable a model as you’d like to think. Also, your reputation as a hair weeve killa is not helping. Your birthday is coming up and I’m guessing all you want is a big booty ho, but I think you should wish for a little more willpower to help control your impulsive retail habit. If you're not careful, it can carry over into other areas of your life.

Young Jeezy (Libra 9/23–10/22)

CHHHHHYYYYEEEAAH!Good news, Libra, all that thug motivation you’ve been channeling is about to reap some serious rewards, but only if you stay around familiar waters. It’s time to let go of old habits—cleaning out the Akons, if you will. There was a time when it worked for you, but you really don’t need these robot voiced lotharios anymore. Do what you do best. Inspire Caucasians that are hopped up on Monster energy drinks that are getting ready to clock in for their shift at Journeys.

Drake (Scorpio 10/23–11/21)

Scorpio, you're in a very pivotal transition. While you once championed the idea that you only live once, you have now come to realize that sort of rhetorical Tumblr wisdom bullshit doesn’t help anyone. With that said, your “no new friends” mantra is where it’s at right now. The universe is in your favor regardless of your penchant for horrendous sweaters. You may have started from the bottom, but now your whole team is fucking here and it appears as if nothing will be the same.

Action Bronson (Sagittarius 11/22–12/21)

Sagittarius stays with numerous lavish bedspreads, rare artifacts, artisanal squat postures and various exotic espresso coconut waters. You’ll find yourself surrounded by numerous Polynesian womens and will be given access to their shit cutters because they are in love with your Sagittarius vibes. This month people will probably catch you outside grilling lampchops shirtless, wearing eel skin boxers and rare Bugle Boy jeans. Do you, Sagittarius. No one is on your level this month.

R. Kelly (Capricorn 12/22–1/19)

You ever feel trapped in the closet, Capricorn? If so, then you’ll be relieved to discover that you will soon be free’d of said closet. Capricorns are unique. You're like unicorn tears. No one can tell you about right or wrong. If you want to wear a Lone Ranger mask and make a song called “Sex Planet,” then that's your prerogative. The universe cannot control you Capricorn. You went rogue straight outta the womb and this world is your canvas. Use your urine stream to paint a masterpiece.

Cam’ron (Aquarius 1/20–2/18)

My dearest Aquarius, this month you will have no hesitancy in reminding anyone negative in your life to curve. Don’t let anyone tell you anything. If you want to put your face on $200 socks just because, do it. You create movements. You are calm under pressure. You get computers putin'. You will look this month’s problems right in the eye and ask them “U Mad?” with a gleeful smile. Surround yourself with things that feel comfortable: pink minks, Laffy Taffy Range Rovers and a bunch of Instagram "model's" butts. You have earned your place at the veteran’s table, Aquarius.

Danny Brown (Pisces 2/19–3/20)

Well Pisces, this month, just like every month of your life, will be pretty much the itinerary of a young Caligula: drugs, more drugs, booze, loose women with missing teeth and blunt after blunt after blunt. Your most difficult quagmire will be whether or not you will still go down on ol’

Gal because her pussy smells like Cool Ranch Doritos. Bring your brigade with you on a few adventures and enjoy the controlled chaos that is the life of a Pisces. You are too high to die so fear nothing.