Image via Complex Original
The 2012-13 Los Angeles Lakers were supposed to be a team to compare with the '00-02 championship squads, if not the best team in the NBA. Instead, they're a train wreck on top of a car wreck with a plane crashing into that. Steve Nash got hurt, Mike Brown got fired, Pau Gasol got demoted, Dwight Howard got scared, andKobe Bryant must be on the verge of either a nervous breakdown or a homicidal rampage. Or at the very least a very public "trade that guy now!" rant. As of right now the Mike D'Antoni-led squad is on the outside looking in at the Western Conference playoff race, and were things to stay this way — hey, at least they beat Utah the other night — one would expect there to be some very ugly consequences. Here's 10 Things That Will Happen When the Lakers' Season Implodes.
Bill Simmons orgasms to death.
The Grantland founder and "Book of Basketball" author has never made his Celtics fanhood a secret - in fact, he's never made anything a secret, which is why a simple mailbag column tends to run to 250,000 words. If anyone would revel in the downfall of the Lakers it's Simmons, whose next major purchase will likely be Curt Schilling's bloody sock and an economy-sized bottle of Lubriderm.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar demands that his statue be taken down.
Even though he is the NBA's career leader in points scored and easily one of the top five NBA players of all time, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has always managed to feel underappreciated. And you know what? Maybe he is. Maybe he, not Michael Jordan, should be considered the best to ever do it. Maybe he, not Jerry West, should be the NBA's logo. And maybe he, not Magic Johnson, should have been the first Laker to get a statue dedicated in front of the Staples Center.
This year he finally got his wish - his statue may not have been the first, but it is the tallest. And it's not of him getting kicked in the chops by Bruce Lee. The timing, however, could have been better. Last we heard, Cap was trying to orchestrate its trade to Milwaukee. The only holdup appears to be that Milwaukee doesn't have a statue of Brian Winters.
Justin Timberlake gives up courtside seats...to Joey Fatone.
"Hey Joey, it's Justin."
"Justin? JT! Hey wait, why does your number come up as blocked?"
"Eh, don't worry about that - new phone, I've been having some problems with it. I'll give you my new number later. What's been going on, man?"
"Oh man, a lot! I mean, there's-"
"Hey, that's cool, man. Congrats. I just wanted to see whether you wanted my floor seats at the Staples Center."
"For tomorrow's game?"
"Nah, for the rest of the year. Forever, if you want. I'll even pay for them. I'm just... er, I've got a lot of things to do. They're yours if you want them."
"Sure, yeah! Thanks, JT!"
"Anytime, I'll leave them at Will Call under your name. Not like anyone else is gonna be using it. Word of advice - don't talk to Jack. In fact, don't even look at him." "Thanks! Hey, wait, can I get that numb-"
*dial tone*
Phil Jackson's agent submits salary requirements of $2.6 billion over three years. With a team option.
Forget Tiger Woods and Elin, forget Michael and Juanita, forget Kobe and Vanessa - Phil Jackson and the Lakers are the ultimate dysfunctional sports relationship. They want him, they don't want him. They love him leading them to titles, they hate him wanting all the credit. So they've tried other coaches. One that won titles, one that coached LeBron, one whose offensive mind is the thing of legend. And.... none of it has worked. So, somewhere in Montana, Phil Jackson sits - either on a tall chair or in a lotus position - mind serene, hips repaired, eyes wide shut. In silence. Waiting. Waiting for the phone to ring. And oh, it will.
The Lakers announce they're moving to New Jersey.
It will fast be forgotten as a mere blip in Nets history, but the brief time they called the Rock in Newark home was a perfect transitional period (word to Jules Winfield) as Brooklyn prepared to welcome their newest tenants to their pre-rusted home. The Newark arena proved its NBA worthiness, and now all it needs is a franchise.
Meanwhile, the Lakers aren't exactly L.A. natives. That "Lakers" name comes from their former home in Minneapolis - and sure, while they've called L.A. home since 1960, they'll never be REAL Californians. So come on, Lakers. Leave the Staples Center to those Lob City upstarts, and head East. "The Newark Lakers." We think it's got a ring. Oops, bad choice of words.
Metta World Peace changes his name to "F*ck You, Assholes."
He tried. Really, he did. Following the Malice at the Palace and its inevitable aftermath, The Basketball Player Formerly Known as Ron Artest did more or less everything right. Sure, he forced his way out of Indiana after they stood by him through all the fallout, and yeah, he mixed it up unnecessarily with Kobe in the playoffs when he was with the Houston Rockets, but hey, nobody's perfect.
Well, all that's over. Peace, happiness and puppies can get f*cked. QB is back in the building, and "Shook Ones Pt. 3" can't be far behind.
Magic Johnson claims he was a Celtics fan all along.
Back in 1993 when Larry Bird playfully ripped open Magic Johnson's shooting shirt to reveal a Boston Celtics t-shirt, no one laughed louder and longer than Magic himself. That's just how he is. And as such, everyone just looked at it as a joke, one last playful jab at his ultimate foil throughout his career.
But wait.
Magic went from being part-owner of the Lakers to being one of their harshest critics. He still owns a piece of a team in Los Angeles, but that team is the Dodgers. And Magic, the man who led the Lakers to nine Finals appearances (and five titles), won three MVPs to go alongside his three Finals MVPs, has called Kobe Bryant the best Laker ever. If he distanced himself from the Laker franchise any more, he'd be back in Lansing. Or perhaps... BOSTON?
Commissioner Stern awards Steve Nash the first-ever honorary NBA title.
David Stern is stepping down as the NBA commissioner in February of 2014, and before he does, he should correct some wrongs. No, he won't be forgiving Roy Tarpley or welcoming Isaiah Rider back with open arms. He won't have Joey Crawford fired and committed. And if you're waiting for him to apologize to the fans in Seattle, well, get comfortable.
No, what eats at the Commish is that Steve Nash, two-time MVP, is the only multiple winner to not have a ring to go with those trophies. So, like the Wizard of Oz, Stern has a parting gift for Nash. "Sorry Robert Horry hipped you into that scorer's table - you're a champion now!" He also reportedly plans to give Kobe a heart, but those reports were unconfirmed at press time.
Sidebar: Yes, by the grace of God, the 14-28 Orlando Magic somehow make the playoffs and the Finals, too. #letthatshitburnDwight
Dwight Howard demands a trade to Disney World.
Dwight Howard has been in the NBA for nine years now, and its still unclear whether he wants to be a superstar or a superhero. Shaq managed to both, but Shaq is Shaq and Dwight Howard clearly isn't, no matter how similar the résumé.
So with that ring remaining out of reach, it's time Dwight gave up on the former and put his considerable energy behind the latter. Be a superhero, Dwight. It's what you really want. As a member of the Disney family, you can not only be goofy, you can be Goofy. A deal for Jiminy Cricket would work under the cap (Disney can throw in Baloo's expiring contract), and Jiminy might even do Kobe some good - until he gets squished during the first week of training camp.
Kobe actually throws a teammate under the bus.
Kobe Bryant has long had a contentious relationship with teammates both past and present. He claims to have sacrificed much in order to play with Shaquille O'Neal, disparaged then-Lakers center Andrew Bynum on a fan's cell phone camera, and never misses the chance to remind everyone that he once had to share the ball (well, theoretically anyway) with the likes of Kwame Brown and Smush Parker. And lord only knows what he's done to poor Pau Gasol.
But one thing the Mamba has never done is take things to the physical level, even when provoked - word to Chris Childs. That all changes now. If the Lakers team bus is going off the cliff, Kobe's gonna shove someone in front of it first and get out of the way. Mamba out.
