Gallery: What Your Favorite MLS Haircut Says About You

When it comes to haircuts, there are two types of guys: the type who will never spend more than $20 (including tip), and take pride in telling their friends how cheap they got their haircut. Those men are basic, and are ignoring the world of awesome, carefully textured and layered haircuts that yes, cost more to get done. They're likely missing out on a chance to be cool and expressive with their head of hair, which is the only clump of hair that's exposed during waking hours. Everyone sees your hair, and yet millions of men choose to neglect their own.

Thankfully, there are plenty of current MLS stars who are very concerned with their hair, whether they pay a premium for a haircut or nothing at all. Just like how personal style is an outward way of telling the world who you are, what direction you take your hair in assists this. If you go bald like Michael Bradley, you're probably a rather serious fellow. Diego Fagundez, as the red-dyed, spiky-headed man, is pushing a more youthful, rebellious image.

Every soccer player's haircut has an individualistic purpose in Gallery: What Your Favorite MLS Haircut Says About You.

Team: Toronto FC
Position: Midfielder

You're a permanently stoic man and nothing is fun to you. Everything is tactical, and all you care about is your trade. The mere thought of "relaxation," "free time," or "having a good one" makes you commit corporal mortification against yourself in order to re-focus. You've also been known to "not enjoy the taste of food." Whether you're a part of the bald community by nature's doing or by fashion, a man this magnificently bald is far too serious for us lazier, more meandering types.

Team: Sporting Kansas City
Position: Midfielder

Who knew that bad-boy Steven Lenhart had such a soft side for '90s Justin Timberlake? If Lenhart's haircut suddenly made you hungry, don't fret—the craving is natural. Ramen noodles are a delicious and cheap meal, and a staple for any college student. Get the hot water ready.

Team: Columbus Crew
Position: Coach

When those "Just For Men: Touch of Grey" commercials come on, you feel inspired. Pat Onstand is a 46-year-old man whose days as a bald man may never come. With such an audacious flip of hair on the top, it's clear that he's out of fucks to give. If you're confident in your abilities to have beautifully conditioned hair and plenty of riches, women, and cocaine well into your Viagra years, Onstad's haircut might as well be your horoscope.

Team: Houston Dynamo
Position: Midfielder

Were The Fresh Frince of Bel-Air or Hey Arnold your favorite '90s shows? I bet they were. You might also be Iman Shumpert.

Team: Seattle Sounders
Position: Defender

This is just tacky as shit. DeAndre Yedlin actually had an ill Neymar Jr. look going on for a while, but now his head looks like it's populated by golden retriever clippings. If this hair says *insert your name here*, then you probably dress like Justin Bieber, wear sunglasses with designs on the lenses, enjoy neon items, and think that bedazzled iPhone cases are for adults.

Team: Real Salt Lake
Position: Midfielder

You're a past-his-prime-but-young-at-heart white bro who is perpetually stuck in the '80s and '90s. The mullet brings back your time as a 20-year-old keg master whose collection of Aerosmith tapes was unfuckwittable. In 2014, you're just another relic who remembers when the Dollar Menu was actually the Dollar Menu, gas was less than a buck, and handwriting was important.

Keep doing you man, but remember, nobody's gotten laid with a mullet in about 15 years. Your monthly Brazzers subscription confirms this.

Team: New England Revolution
Position: Forward

You love contrasting colors, or trying anything that isn't the norm.You're the type of ginger to rock black hair, or you're that weird Asian kid who changes his hair color every month. Anything that you were born with that you can easily change, like hair color, nail color, eyebrow shape—anything—you'll take a style risk with.

Team: Sporting Kansas City
Position: Midfielder

The fantasy genre is your favorite type of fiction. Whether you're a fan of Aragorn, Jon Snow, or Hercules, the idealized masculine character is something you either fap to or envision turning in to at Soul Cycle. Or both. No judgements here. No hunk is complete without delicate locks of flowing hair chocolate, and Graham Zusi has what you want. Now stop playing organized ultimate frisbee, go make a protein shake, and buy some better quality conditioner.

Team: New England Revolution
Position: Defender

Rocking this kind of haircut requires tremendous patience with the fuccbois who'll inevitably touch and play with the curls like they're some sort of toy. Like, if you have hair like this and someone starts plucking your hair to be amused by the springiness, you have every right to put hands on them. That's disrespect. Depending on who you are, love for this awesome kind of hair speaks to either your childlike amusement, undying tolerance, or a simple affinity for Bob Marley.

Team: Vancouver Whitecaps FC
Position: Midfielder

About 95 percent of the adult white male population in New York City rocks this look. It's a very Republican haircut, but NYC's liberal hipsters and yuppies alike wouldn't be in favor in that term, so I'll just call it the "Gentrified Brooklyn Comb Over." Russell Teibert would do well as an L train passenger, that's for sure.

Team: Real Salt Lake
Position: Midfielder

Everything you wear is made out of hemp, and your preferred choice of footwear is the flip-flop. One simply doesn't grow out hair like this without a special connection to nature—I can imagine that it's very spiritual letting hair run wild like this, letting it grow out naturally and having the elements have their way with it. If your ideal bed rests on some dirt in an outdoor tent as opposed to a cushy hotel, Kyle Beckerman's hair is likely calling for you.

Team: D.C. United
Position: Midfielder

Nick DeLeon's hair is more tame than Kyle Beckerman's, but lacks the delicateness of Kevin Alston's. A fascinating balance exists within those twisted braids. If this is your favorite MLS haircut, subtlety is what you're all about—peep how the bleached tips give DeLeon that stand-out look. Attention to detail matters to you, as does the notion that a little of anything can go a long way in making a difference.

Team: New England Revolution
Position: Forward

Two words: landing strip. If Dimitry Imbongo's carefully cut and dyed hairs style speaks to you, it's obvious what you like to see in a woman. Another non-sexual possibility: you're a fan of the cholesterol-clogging death pastry known as Twinkies, because Imbongo's head looks like one giant Twinkie. Sex or Twinkies? Both seem pretty sweet to me.

Team: New England Revolution
Position: Midfielder

Either Diego Fagundez was kissed by fire, or he's taking his fandom of the French band Phoenix to new literal levels. If this haircut piques your interest, then either A) You're a hypebeast and you like the color red on absolutely anything, B) You're still living out your middle school heavy metal band dreams, C) You're biggest monthly expense is hair wax, or D) You're a die-hard Joey Fatone fan.

Team: Columbus Crew
Position: Forward

This is what happens when you're given the opportunity to make money off of what you love. Dominic Oduro loves pizza, so much so that he took a bite out of a slice after scoring a goal last season. In a cool promo stunt, he pulled off a pepperoni pizza hair cut and tweeted it out, smoothly mentioning Papa John's Columbus location in his now viral tweet.

If you're the type of person to shave and color your hair into a pizza slice, or anything you love for that matter, you're a shameless extrovert who enjoys capitalizing off your flamboyant lifestyle. Basically, you're a wannabe famous person.