Image via Complex Original
Did you end up on a sports site by accident? Well, today we have the list for you.
Some of these you may agree with, some of these you may not. We're flexible and can accept honest disagreement with a position. If you like hockey shootouts and enjoy reading the same continuous bottom-line loop then that's your thing. Your opinion is wrong but it's not so wrong that "we mad, bro."
Some entries on this list are more obnoxious than Justin Bieber, his pre-teen fans and all the subsequent coverage he gets. If we had to choose between being the pop star's prison bitch or watching five consecutive minutes of the ESPYs then you could make a Belieber out of us.
Sometimes things don't always go your way. We're slowly realizing that. The MLS is quietly encroaching, we lose ESPN more and more every time they read a tweet, and steroids will never let us trust again. Here are 15 Things We Hate About Sports Today.
RELATED: How ESPN Lost Its Way
Watching football in a group sucks if you don't like fantasy sports.
Why we hate it: Rooting for individuals instead of teams goes against everything our dads taught us growing up.
Chief offender(s): People who spend hours thinking up a fantasy team name that just ends up being an obvious play on words (Ex's: Mark Dirty Sanchez, Terrelle Pryor Conviction, etc.).
In the old days (meaning pre-2007) people used to gather at a viewing party to watch their local team in the comfort of a den where everybody was on the same side and showed it by screaming "That's fucking holding!" in unison. Now it's very likely you've had those viewing parties swapped for gatherings around RedZone where constant action and fantasy updates have switched places with blind loyalty and shown a new way to "appreciate" the game.
If you love your fantasy sports so be it, one slide isn't going to convince you otherwise. And besides the $150 grand prize actually helps you more than watching a bunch of other grown men you don't know hoist a Lombardi Trophy.
Everybody celebrates everything.
Why we hate it: On top of the millions of dollars, thousands of fans and endless women, some athletes just need more adulation.
Chief offender(s): Nick Young (above), Yasiel Puig, Joba Chamberlain, Jared Allen, pretty much everybody since Barry Sanders.
We're torn between wanting entertainment and wanting guys to entertain like modern gladiators. But there's only so many times you can watch Jared Allen rope an invisible calf before saying "cut the bull," or some other pun, preferably, cow related.
It started with a spike and we said nothing, probably because we weren't born yet. Then it progressed to chest bumps, "Lambeau leaps" and fully choreographed routines worthy of Riverdance. From there it spread to all sports. All our nations power hitters have perfected their own special bat flips. Bench mobs have their own signature reactions to big any three-pointer. And we'd like to think that new Redskins WR DeSean Jackson's premature TD celebrations taught our nation's athletes humility.
But Nick Young is proof-in-GIF-form that they didn't, lowering the bar so much that anything besides an air ball is worthy of self-praise.
Running up pitch counts is fueling the idea that baseball is boring.
Why we hate it: Strategy (in this case adapting to a small strike zone) has gotten in the way of the only thing that makes sports worth watching: entertainment.
Chief offender(s): Just about every team in the Major Leagues.
We've touched on flopping in soccer and in the NBA. We've addressed leaning into a defender to get to the free-throw line. Now here's another way that modern sports strategy has become detrimental to the game.
Enter America's pastime, where the strike zone has currently shrunk to the size of a teacup. You sit and watch the world's greatest hitters consistently take pitches on the edge of the zone to work pitch counts in order to remove starters. Derek Jeter has practically turned taking obvious strikes into an art.
Baseball purists and those who appreciate mundane strategies may point out that it makes sense but it's more boring than C-SPAN. You might say "Okay Gavin dickhead, how do you fix it?" Simple. Open up the strike zone and force these men with unreal hand-eye coordination to swing the bat. Trust us, it'll help justify that $9 beer.
The bottom line needs a "Spoiler Alert."
Why we hate it: It makes tape delayed events obsolete. And (as a bonus) when you focus on it, it drives you insane (like blinking).
Chief offender(s): ESPN, MLB Network (above), Fox Sports, etc.
If they could put a v-chip in our TVs then they can give us an option to remove "Bottom Lines" from our sports networks. It'd be especially useful during replays and when the Olympics are held across oceans.
Take the above picture snapped by this writer during last year's World Baseball Classic. Ready to watch his country do battle (after avoiding spoilers because nobody cares about the World Baseball Classic) it took until only the second hitter of the game to have the 2 A.M. feed spoiled. An epiphany occurred. Tape delays are pointless for sports networks.
The only positive was re-evaluating why anyone would watch the U.S.-Mexico WBC replay at 2 A.M. For that MLB Network deserves a thanks.
Hockey shootouts quickly get old.
Why we hate it: It's a gimmick.
Chief offender: The NHL
The first time you see one it's exciting. The next time you see one it's "Okay, cool." By the eighth time you're done with them. That's pretty much how gimmicks work. While shootouts can interest casual fans *looks in mirror* you soon realize that you're deciding the game on the equivalent of a field goal kicking competition, home run derby or a free-throw shooting contest.
Well...actually, that last one is pretty much how it works. But still.
Macro analysis of small events.
Why we hate it: We don't need to hear about LeBron James/Kevin Durant every night.
Chief offender(s): ESPN
We understand that after highlights there's only about four minutes of news per day but we don't need a nightly excuse to compare LeBron James and Kevin Durant. Every time they play well (which is pretty much every night) their individual games are scrutinized, analyzed and (often) compared in some way to Michael Jordan. You can't get a lifetime's worth of assumptions from one game and watching the same breakdowns night after night makes us think we're living in some type of Bill Murray/Groundhog Day-like hell.
College basketball is filled with talented true freshman and upperclassmen who can't make it in the NBA.
Why we hate it: Not only are "one and done" rules pointless, but the changing dynamic has drained the college hoops talent pool.
Chief offender(s): Reality.
We'd like to blame the NBA but you really can't. Like high gas prices, this is a development that's here to stay. The Shane Battiers and Tim Duncans of the world have been replaced by the likes of John Wall and Andrew Wiggins (above). The greatest players in the country are often true freshman in a way that's practical for players but makes fans (see: us) not care about college basketball except for one month a year.
Bloated salaries have turned athletes into high-priced commodities.
Why we hate it: Benching players to avoid injury is an infinite loop that leads to the same result.
Chief Offender: Washington Nationals
When Washington Nationals ace Stephen Strasburg was benched for the 2012 Playoffs, the organization essentially put him on the voluntary DL during the most important time of the season. Skipping games to avoid injury is like buying a Ferrari and never driving it. If you're too afraid to wreck something great you're inactivity accomplishes what you wouldn't allow nature to do. As a team that's never won a title the Nationals haven't exactly earned the right to take the postseason for granted.
Combine that with the advice given to JaDeveon Clowney to sit out his junior year (which, judging by his stats, he kind of did anyway) and you realize we have a pretty lame trend developing that mirrors keeping action figures in the package to preserve mint condition.
Bloated salaries make the players less empathetic.
Why we hate it: We haven't won championships either. And we make a lot less money. Like...a lot less money. And we have to work until we're old. And we *goes on for two hours*
Chief offender(s): Any player not making the league minimum.
The funniest line in the world is when a big name player (pick: Ken Griffey Jr./John Stockton/Randy Moss) doesn't win a (pick: World Series/NBA Title/Super Bowl) and the announcer says "you really got to feel for a guy like (whoever you picked)." The inference is that a career isn't complete without a victory parade and that they have to go live in the sewers or something because they never utilized their talent to win a championship. We'll take $40 million even if we have to suffer the humiliation of never getting a title. Heck, we'll take $20 million. And that leads us to the obvious: It's hard to cry crocodile tears until they blow their fortune.
You have few alternatives for your sports video gaming dollar.
Why we hate it: Two main reasons: 1) Some of us enjoyed playing sports titles that no longer exist. 2) Competition breeds better results.
Chief offender(s): A combination of factors from greedy leagues (NFL/MLB) to pending litigation against EA Sports.
R.I.P. NFL/ESPN 2K. Ditto for MVP Baseball, NCAA Football, etc. Today's sports gaming market just isn't the same without you.
While technology gets better (PS4 or Xbox One, anyone?) sports titles can't match up to the variety present during the turn of the century. The gaming landscape is remarkably dry and the trend appears permanent. That mark on 2K-diehard faces has an outline similar to Roger Goodell's dick. Had we known we would've kept our Dreamcasts.
The internet makes people crazy.
Why we hate it: Because people get way too pissed when A) They're anonymous and B) They can't hear what tone of voice you're speaking in and assume you're totally serious and rigid in your point of view. Chief offender(s): There may or may not be an example in the comments section.
The NSA is spying on you. Your bank is screwing you with consent from the government but somebody wrote a piece on the 25 Worst Players in the NBA Right Now. That's the real outrage! Trust us, it doesn't take many comments calling you a phuck face before you start tuning everybody out, even those who are cordial, polite and make a strong point. And that's the first step towards either becoming a dictator or totally flying off the rails (like that above.)
Part of us thinks Kenyon Martin needs to apologize but the half that's had online pieces subject to trolls is thinking "Yeah man, tell 'em. Don't let them push you around."
The ESPYs is worse than (enter disease that won't offend people on the internet).
Why we hate it: It's a perfect monument for how self-aggrandizing ESPN has become. Athletes are entertaining when they play sports, but not so much when they don't. The ESPYs forces them to play a role they're not built for. Oh, and the obvious: there's already a mechanism for giving athletes awards.
Chief offender: ESPN
One opinion that shall never be compromised on is how bad the ESPYs suck. We hope whoever created this experiences regret similar to the remorse felt by the inventors of the A-bomb, pleading nightly for forgiveness for the annual horror he's unleashed upon the world. If someone put a gun to our head and said "Like the ESPYs or die." We'd have them put a cigarette in our mouth and dramatically say "Well...what are you waiting for?"
They are an embodiment of everything wrong about ESPN. The fact that they appoint themselves the "Worldwide Leader" and prove it with a crappy award given to, no joke, Best Male Golfer, Best Major League Baseball Player and Best College Football Player. Hmmm...if only there were ways of figuring those out like The Masters, MVP Award(s) or the Heisman. Those are just 3 of the 55 of these pointless accolades.
Now you even have the stupid red carpet that symbolises ESPN trying to celebratize athletes. They can jump high. They can run fast. They can hit hard. Don't ask them to improv. That's not what they're world class at. Every time Erin Andrews Sam Ponder asks Russell Westbrook who he's wearing the part of us that loves sports dies some more.
Soccer is slowly forcing itself into relevancy.
Why we hate it: Because it's soccer.
Chief offender(s): Hipsters, millennials, inevitability.
The game we somehow avoided since the Civil War is finally gaining traction. With the combination of a potential CTE epidemic and an expanding soccer market we could very well see the Fall Sundays of 2029 packed with all day MLS "action." The only positive coming from the NFL's inevitable demise will be the fact that pretentious fans will no longer lecture us about "real football." Honestly, that might be worth it.
Suspect officiating is turning sports into exhibition games.
Why we hate it: It's making the leagues soft.
Chief Offender(s): The NBA and NFL
In football's case we somewhat get it. CTE is nothing to play with. But not allowing D-linemen to do their job is turning the game into arena football. They might as well play with a steady quarterback. You touch him and it's an automatic first down. In the NBA's case, it waters down the action and lengthens the game. Flopping is the norm and if you throw a punch you get suspended for the rest of the year. Our fathers didn't raise us to be pansies.
From now until eternity, gaudy numbers will always raise eyebrows.
Why we hate it: We'll never know for sure who's naturally great and who's artificially great.
Chief Offender(s): Ryan Braun, Barry Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jason Giambi, Lance Armstrong, etc.
You can thank the likes of Ryan Braun (who got a standing 'o' yesterday for some insane reason) for the current predicament casting suspicion on anyone who can muscle the ball out of the infield. Or, you can be introspective and self-reflective and blame a home run worshipping public and a sport trying to capitalize off it. The combination of which lured players to PEDs for the sake of massive contracts; while still others were forced to use those same drugs to keep up.
*Thinks about it*
Nah, screw Ryan Braun and everybody else who's ever cheated. No ovations here.
