5 Reasons Why Chris Bosh Really Is the Coolest Dude Alive

Image via Complex Original

If your name is Kevin Durant, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, or Serge, this may not apply to you. But if you're KG, Paul Pierce, Danny Granger, Carmelo Anthony, Amar'e Stoudemire, or Tyson Chandler, it definitely applies to you (particularly if you're Carmelo, Amar'e, or Tyson). You can't front: The Heat are really good. And whereas his fellow Big 3 teammates Dwyane Wade and LeBron James act either like they're not having fun or are running for asshole of the year, Bosh a) seems like a really good teammate (talking in huddles as opposed to sulking or fighting with the coach), and b) doesn't act like an arrogant prick whenever he does something positive. And, not for nothing, he's got more funny in his pinky finger than either of his more famous teammates could ever hope to have.

Would we lounge around a South Beach hotel, seductively snacking on fruit and splashing in a kiddie pool? Of course not. Why? Because we're chickenshits, and worried about what people would think. Not Chris Bosh. *cues the soundtrack*

"Yo, Chris Bosh is soft as shit!” No arguments here, we’ve seen this dude and his crew flop non-stop. “I heard he’s gay.” *Big Sean voice* “Whoa dere.” CB squashed those rumors when he wifed up the gorgeous Adrienne Williams. In fact, she's a bit hotter than King James' lady who unfortunately didn't make it on to the #teamprettygirls squad. Bosh stands up for his fam, too. Unlike LeBron, Bosh took the annoying AF Skip Bayless to town over insulting the Bosh family with his “Bosh Spice” nickname. Taking on “Skip Sayless” cements Bosh as the Coolest Dude Alive.

Oh, you flipped some Yeezy II’s and made two grand this week? Good for you. Bosh makes that much per flop. Seriously. Six-and-a-half racks a minute this season. More than 12 large for every point. That lefty jumper you and your boys laugh at? Yeah, dude gets 25K for hitting each of those. He’s already banked more than $86 million in his nine-year career and he’s got another $77 million coming on this deal. Word to Shaq, but RuPaul ain’t never made this kind of dough. And to top it off, he makes more than D-Wade. #letthatshitburn

It's not entirely clear who said it first, but at some point, somebody pointed out that there's a reptilian quality to Chris Bosh's face. All of which is to say: We weren't the first to notice it. But now that you mention it, yes, Chris does look a little like a dinosaur. And this is...something to be ashamed of? FOH.

Dinosaurs are the universal obsession of kids the world over. If you had told the 5-year-old us that we could grow up to look like a velociraptor, we guaran-goddamn-tee you we would've signed up for that quicker than you can say pixie sticks. So Chris looks like one of the great beasts that used to roam the earth swooping around and wrecking all manner of shop before becoming extinct in a giant blaze of glory, and he's supposed to be embarrassed about it? Get.Thefuck.Offme.