Ranking the Original 'Robot Wars' House Robots

Twelve years since the original series crushed its last amateur remote-controlled creation, Robot Wars returns to BBC Two on Sunday night. There were many things to enjoy about Robot Wars back in the day: scrawling down designs for your own robot when you should have been paying attention at school; Jonathan Pearce taking it all as seriously as a Champions League final; watching an awkward beardy robotic science lecturer in his best Matalan shirt and slacks combo get all thirsty around Philippa Forrester; the look on the same guy’s face when his home-made creation goes up in flames. But lets be real here: The best thing were the house robots.

Really, you didn’t care about the contestants. It was all about just seeing the professionally built house robots like Sir Killalot and Matilda tear them to shreds, along with the dreams of their builders. The new series brings some of them back, with a few of the less impressive ones not making the grade. Everyone had their favourite, but here we present completely scientifically accurate, unarguable ranking of the original house robots.

By the final series of the original run, the show had fallen from grace to the point where it was now being broadcast on Channel 5 — the ultimate par for a failing TV show. To try and rejuvenate interest, three new house robots were added — of which Cassius Chrome was definitely the crappiest. He looks like a Crazy Bones or a Monster In My Pocket or some other super-ugly cheap kids toy.

Another Channel 5-era series addition, I don’t remember Growler. But he looks ok. Kind of just like a big, square robot dog. Which is kind of cool in theory, but just like Cassius Chrome was biting on Killalot’s style, Growler seems like he’s desperate to be the new Matilda. Stop being so beggy.

The third of the late-series additions, Mr Psycho was probably the least lame. He benefits for at least looking distinctive (even if his face is clearly stolen from a 2000AD comic). It’s a pretty impractical design tho — it’s like an eight year old just went “I want a big robot face a smashy arms!”. But shouldn’t all Robot Wars robots really just be the fever dreams of eight year olds?

Dead Metal was kind of just there. He’s that guy you play football with, but you never speak off the pitch. Or that guy in your office you nod to in the kitchen making tea, but have nothing else to say to. The Tesco meal deal sandwich, the Pitbull guest verse. The seventy-third Drowzee you catch Pokemon Go. There’s nothing wrong with him really, he’s just there.

Shunt is Sam Allardyce’s favourite house robot. He’s big, solid not got much flare but he does the job.

Sergeant Bash is just Shunt with a flamethrower stuck to him. So he goes above him.

This was hard. I very nearly put Matilda top. She’s the connoisseurs favourite robot. The one for the heads. She’s not the biggest, or the flashiest, but she’s sleek, bringing smooth contours to the otherwise very boxy world of Robot Wars. Plus she’s a triceratops with a chainsaw that can flip robots with her tusks, FFS.

Of course, Sir Killalot is number one. If Robot Wars is just remote-controlled pro-wrestling, then Killalot was perfectly designed to be The Undertaker. A towering, unstoppable, all conquering robot Undertaker. Plus he even recorded his own Eurodance novelty record.