A Guide to Quickies, According to Fiona Gallagher

Emmy Rossum's character has seen it all.

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Image via Complex Original
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Sometimes you just don't have time to go all out when it comes to sex. It's understandable, we're all very busy! None of us always have time to spend on stuff like setting the mood, lighting candles, and constructing a playlist or whatever your humping requires...it happens.

And no one understands this better than Shameless' very own Fiona Gallagher (played by current Complex cover star Emmy Rossum), who just so happens to be the legal guardian to five kids, in addition to working a series of jobs to make ends meet. Think she has time for any of that fluffy stuff? No way. As a result, Fiona's well aware of every do and don't there is in order to ensure you have the most effective and enjoyable quickie possible. So, in honor of the season four premiere of Shameless that aired this past Sunday (which you can watch for free on YouTube right now!) and Rossum's feature, here's a cram session for your sex life.

Take note, everyone.

1. Sometimes, a quickie is great.

Life, at times, can get extremely busy and extremely stressful, especially for Fiona. The Gallaghers are a...dysfunctional bunch, to say the least.

It's totally understandable that not everyone would have time for a full-blown, hour-plus romp in the sack on the reg. We've all got places to be, things to do—don't let that get in the way of the people you do!

2. Know the appropriate time and place, though.

For instance: Perhaps in a cramped vehicle while you're, say waiting in the drive-thru of Wendy's is not the best place for a quickie. 


...unless that's what you're into. Then hey, more power to you. 

3. It's all about the location.

It's really best, though, when you have the chance to go for it in a rush while chilling in a new location. #YOLO and all that, if you will. For instance, the indoor swimming pool at a fancy Chicago hotel that only your rich boyfriend who steals cars for fun can afford:

Or the beach.

Or a tent in the forest with your boss whose claim to fame is starring in a straight-to-DVD Bring it On sequel.

And also that one time that Fiona hooked up with Steve in the bathroom of a very expensive restaurant that, for some reason, there are no GIFs available on the Internet except for this one:

The possibilities are endless, really.

4. Ensure your partner is not withholding any crucial information, like the fact that he/she is married.

Like that one time Fiona hooked up with her old high school crush Craig, only to find out that he's actually married with children. The sex sucked too—it was in the back of his car, with Cheerios, like, everywhere—so it wasn't even worth it when his wife found out and threw a large cup of soda at her in the middle of the street. 

All that perfectly good soda, wasted.

5. Remember to always set boundaries.

This one could not be more important. Most people will understand when a quickie is just a quickie or when it actually means something more, but sometimes some people just don't get the hint.

Like Tony Markovich, Canaryville's very own good cop. After breaking up with Steve for a minute, Fiona decides to take advantage of the fact that Tony has had a crush on her for years—and the two go out, before eventually having some zesty sex in his car. This would be all fine and dandy, had Fiona taken the time to actually get to know Tony a little better so she could learn that he was actually a virgin at the time, because he was saving himself for someone special. Suffice to say, Fiona didn't exactly share his undying love.

Hey, live and learn, right?

6. Don't expect it to look like the movies.

This isn't going to be like some fluffy, romantic scene out of the latest chick flick playing at the dollar cinema near your house. It's a quickie—literal definition being "quick." 

This means don't get concerned with frivolous things like setting the mood, putting together a cheesy playlist, or—gag—lighting candles. The whole point of a quickie is to make the most of a small amount of time, wherever and whenever. Even the kitchen of the home you share with your five siblings and occasionally your deadbeat father:

7. Most importantly: Always have fun.

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