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Americans have an unsettling obsession with deals. Why else would they pull themselves out of cozy, tryptophan-induced comas to crowd into shopping malls, potentially to be trampled by other other shoppers, all for the sake of saving some cash on Christmas presents? And at 6 a.m., no less.
Holiday shopping brings out the worst in humanity. Twitter offers all the proof you need. Here are the most pathetic Black Friday tweets.
Emoticons
User: @WilddBrunette
In the future, Twitter users will write only with emojis. By the future, we mean in a couple days.
Tween Monologue
User: @sparkliebarbie
She doesn't like Forever 21, but it's just so hard not to talk about it. Girl, we know.
(In the future, this is what Thought Catalog will look like.)
B-E Agressive?
User: @godsgirl8494
Definitely bring them to Forever 21. We hear it gets ratchet there.
Five Months of Sweat
User: @Im_An_Immigrant
They've all led to this moment. Will you kill the other children at Toys"R"Us? That's what The Hunger Games is about, right?
Repeat
User: @combusjen
Hey everyone, head to aisle five for the asshole wearing the turkey hat.
Not Ready to Rumble
User: @BriAnna_Snow
If you can't hang, here's a tip—stay home and, you know, sleep like the rest of us.
Explanation Needed
User: @oureric
Because we have no idea what this means. Imagining possible explanations brought on a nosebleed like something out of Scanners.
Come Again?
User: @Money_HungryJAY
We had you until the slur.
Don't Need Discounts
User: @ginatrapani
Oh, so you gonna flip it on 'em? Turn this into a conversation about privilege. FOH.
Not So Loud
User: @brownhrdontcare
We're trying to sleep off this turkey.
Country Discount
User: @carrieunderwood
If 111 people die in a stampede, the blood will be on your hands, Carrie.
Walmart Games
User: @orny_xo
Yes, because a fight to the death involving children is exactly like standing in long lines while wearing sweatpants.
Hangovers, Half Off
User: @DMVFollowers
Gross commercialism wasn't enough. Virginia had to add alcoholism to the mix.
