In the Weeds: 25 Signs You've Worked in a Restaurant
If you've ever said "behind you," you've waited tables at some point in your life.
Image via Complex Original
Restaurant culture is a world set apart, a tiny universe that operates on its own principles. It even has its own language. "Order up," "86" and "in the weeds" all belong to a lexicon reserved for those who are intimately familiar with the scent of pommes frites in the air. Whether you've worked in a restaurant during one desperate winter break, hustled tips throughout the entirety of your undergrad career, or are a career waiter, you know that once you you wait tables, you can never unlearn the things you know. And with knowledge comes responsibility...to tip. And tip well.
From the habits you've desperately tried (and failed) to break, to the small nuances you pick up when you dine out that go unnoticed by others, these are 25 signs you've worked in a restaurant.
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You are the only person at the table thanking busboys every time they fill your water or remove a plate from the table.
You get irritated when someone alters more than one item on a dish. THIS ISN'T CHIPOTLE, B*TCH. Let the chef do his thing.
You walk into a restaurant already knowing that at least one thing you eat will have touched the kitchen floor.
You can tell when tables need something and get upset when no one who actually works at the restaurant notices.
You find yourself saying "yes chef'" to your boss/coach/personal trainer.
You have no idea how people operate without large sums of cash (mostly singles).
You always tip 20 percent or higher, even if the food sucked. Sometimes even if the service sucked.
You cringe when a server doesn't know how to properly open/serve wine at a table.
You can stack an impress amount of plates on a single on every limb, making you an indispensable person at dinner parties.
You don't blame the server when the food has taken a long time, particularly if it's a wildly busy Friday night.
You pay for your drinks at the bar, and don't ask for the tab to be transferred to the table because you know doing the latter would shaft the bartender out of their tips.
You know exactly how to get in good with servers and bartenders at any establishment.
After two bites of food, you're upset if the server doesn't check up on you. Two bite rule!
You don't feel bad being that guy and sending something bad back, because god damn it, you've dealt with so many of those guys.
Or, you are humiliated when someone at your table sends something back without being certain it was cooked wrong (and not ordered wrong).
You think anyone who walks into a two-way door on the left is a failure of evolution.
You place your silverware/napkin/bread plate on your plate so as to make the server's job easier.
You will do anything to avoid being in a restaurant on Valentine's Day.
Same goes for attempting to eat out on New Year's Eve.
When the server fails to fold your napkin while you were in the bathroom, it registers as a COMPLETE FAILURE.
You avoid eating at restaurants from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.
You have an inherent distrust towards brunch.
When asking for a table for four, you request for a "four-top." Or when asking for a corner table, you request the "corner deuce."
You get irrationally angry when your water glass is empty for more than five minutes.
You have never in your life sat at a table without speaking to the hostess first.
It's habit to fold your napkin in the shape of an elephant.
You still have server nightmares. IN THE WEEDS AND CAN'T WAKE UP!
You refuse to sit at a restaurant that is closing within an hour (because being grilled by tired servers makes it difficult to enjoy a cocktail).
You still say "behind you" even though you work in an office now.
Your hands still smell a little bit like a dishwasher.
