How to Avoid Being Annoying About Your Relationship on Facebook

There are people on Facebook you instantly regret virtually befriending, and those people are invariably in relationships. No sooner have you clicked "Add as friend," and they're already polluting your news feed with inappropriate personal exchanges, disgustingly soft status updates about their significant other, and T.M.I. accounts of their "fabulous" weekend together.

The voyeuristic joy Facebook provides can sour with a single stomach-churning look into a couple's life who either care too much about what others think, or seem to be completely unaware that they have an audience. Suddenly, you've seen far too much to abstain passing judgement. Here's how you can avoid being that couple: How To Avoid Being Annoying About Your Relationship on Facebook.

By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)

Follow @ComplexGuide

Stop declaring your love for one another on your Facebook walls, like, now. It's not just that nobody cares how much your life changed since boo bear came around, it's also that they have already invented a technology far more befitting of this type of emotionally-exposed communication: a text message.

So next time you go to remind your girlfriend how super HAWT she is, or how you can't wait for dinner and *wink wink* afterwards, save us all the sheer disgust we experience when reading your personal exchange and just send an email or a text instead.

A good barometer if you're gushing too much? If your friends know your pet names for one another.

Who knew a simple drop-down menu could be responsible for such widespread irritation? A well-meaning friend can become a pariah when they insist on listing their status as "It's complicated" every time they have a one night stand. Same goes for the friend who, in a month's time, has went from "Single," to "Engaged," to "In an open relationship." We start to wonder if you've either contracted a very specific computer virus or have become a polygamist. Since we haven't seen you since tenth grade, we'll never really know, so we can only assume the worst.

Instead of making drastic changes to your profile, play it safe. Maybe instead of changing your status to divorced after an argument, you sleep on it and see how it plays out. Maybe instead of putting "It's complicated," you admit the hard truth—your girl has told you straight up she's not looking for a relationship and, sadly, you are having sex with her but you are still very single. Tough life, we know, but tell it like it is.

We've seen an increasing number of couples posting disturbing half-nude shots of themselves groping one another or posing suggestively. We beg you, please stop this overexposed behavior. We don't even want to see the two of you making out, unless it's a wedding photo.

Before posting, it's smart to consider: Who is my audience? Will my grandma appreciate these photos of us in our undergarments grinding on each other? Is it possible that a long-lost friend could come across this photo and momentarily consider I've joined an S&M cult? If you answered no to the second question and yes to the third, you should probably save the sexy snapshot for your personal collection.

The same goes for making what you think are subtle references to your sex life ("Last night was amazing" followed by a winky face) and sharing any other information that could be categorized as "intimate."

Seriously, what's with the joint couple accounts? Even if you two are like, thisclose, you are still two separate people. Even if you share a computer, you can have two accounts. There is no logical explanation for sharing an account, aside from the fact that one or both of you are insecure, jealous, possessive or all of the above.

If you have friends, you can be assured that they're annoyed they have to communicate with whatever portmanteau you've created for yourselves instead of whichever one of you they actually want to speak to. Every couple should maintain personal space and respect one another's privacy, so if we're forced to message Bennifer or CindyAndPeter, we're definitely going to have some default judgements on the health and overall sanity of your relationship. Proceed at your own risk.

The worst offenders on Facebook are the thread hijackers. You know them. You post a seemingly innocuous statement about loving baseball, and one of them comments how he and his girl went to last week's Yankees game and had soooo much fun. Before you know it, she's chiming in about how they always have so much fun because he's SUCH a blast, and they've turned the thread into a mutual gush-fest, seemingly unaware of everyone else on the Internet.

Not only is this rude, it's gross. Even if you're going back and forth complimenting one another (or talking about your date last night) on your own wall, the conversation is still very public. Plus, we know you two live together and are on your laptops while in the same room. Get off the damn computer and talk to one another, and leave all of us innocent bystanders out of the conversation.

Nothing makes us shake our head more vigorously than a couple who exposes their very soiled laundry to a largely unwilling audience. It's unsettling when you overload our timeline with diatribes of adoration, and then hours later are cursing the moment she walked into your life. This can range from vague blanket aphorisms like, "Good guys always finish last" and "Never trust women" to more specific statements like, "Julie ruined my life by having sex with my best friend."

At this point, we want to feel sympathy for you, but we're too overcome with disgust that you'd share such personal information with over 800 people, roughly 750 of which are distant acquaintances, at best. Now we're not worrying about how promiscuous Julie is, we're concerned about what type of person would serve their relationship up on a platter for the Internet vultures to mock, gossip about and subsequently devour.

For every couple airing their dirty laundry, there are a half dozen who seem unnaturally preoccupied with presenting us with an idealized view of their lives. In some sense, Facebook acts as a virtual highlight reel for all of us, but these couples seem to share only gloat-worthy updates whose sole purpose seems to be inspiring jealously.

You reveal as much in what you share as what you don't. Your status updates about how your girl is "the greatest in the world" start to seem smug when you add "don't be jealous" or "she's better than yours." Likewise for the couple who is live-posting their vacation pictures, boasting every three minutes about whatever they're doing that is so much better than what you're doing.

It's not that we're jealous because we're at home eating pizza bagels (although, we probably are), but after your 100th declaration about how amazing your life/significant other/vacation/new home is, we start to wonder what's working beneath it all and who the intended audience is. Your ex? Your single friends? Her ex? Most of the time, it's easy to tell who you're aiming at, and even easier to discern who isn't interested in your posturing—us, and probably 98% of the people on your friends list.

You know the pat-myself-on-the-back breed of person who insists on clicking "Like" on their own updates, even though it's inherently clear they already like it because they posted it themselves? In the same ring of hell, there lies another equally offensive social media sinner—the guy who likes everything his girlfriend does on the Internet.

If she posts a pic of what she ate for breakfast, he shared it. If she put a cheesy meme on her wall, he's commenting on how hilarious she is. Is your girl that approval needy, or are you just disillusioned about how much your opinion means?

You may think your behavior is "supportive," but in actuality it reads as smothering and a little bit controlling. If you're giving each other zero virtual space, we can only imagine how clingy and connected-at-the-hip you are in real life.

Maybe it's the tabloid fodder world we live in that makes us think otherwise, but overexposed is not the way to go when it comes to a couple, especially on Facebook. Your relationship is not a show you're putting on for the world. It's private and likely very important to you, and you do it an injustice by indiscriminately serving up every intimate detail to your social network.

Yes, even in a world where sharing everything is encouraged, your relationship is still sacred ground. Share some photos, check into a few places together, but never reach a point where the intimacy of your relationship is diluted because you've already shared it all.

Create boundaries around your personal life. People should be able to peek in and see an outline of your relationship, but they should be left guessing about the whole story. That story is between you and whoever your dating. It's yours.

So next time you find yourself in the heat of moment, rather than sharing, keep it special by keeping it to yourselves.