The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's irony-rich roundup includes a woman named McBurnie who burned down her apartment, a man in an "I Have Drugs" shirt caught with—you guessed it—drugs, and a "cool dad" hosting a "lingerie party" rager for his teenage daughter. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's irony-rich roundup includes a woman named McBurnie who burned down her apartment, a man in an "I Have Drugs" shirt caught with—you guessed it—drugs, and a "cool dad" hosting a "lingerie party" rager for his teenage daughter. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
South Carolina Man Pummeled for Allegedly Sexually Assaulting Nephew's Girlfriend
Date: 1/4/2015
Location: Conway, S.C.
Crime: First-degree criminal sexual conduct
Ratchet Meter: 8
A South Carolina man accused of sexual assault earlier this week paid for his alleged actions before authorities could even address them.
CNN reports that police in Conway, S.C. were summoned to a residence early Thursday morning after receiving a phone call about a sexual assault. By the time they arrived, 52-year-old William Mattson had already sustained a beating at the hands of someone "[a]cting in defense [of] the victim." According to NBC News, that person was Mattson's 27-year-old nephew.
The 27-year-old man who beat Mattson told police he briefly left a party, returned to the sound of moaning coming from the bedroom he shares with his girlfriend, then kicked open the door and found Mattson on top of the woman — at which point he beat up his uncle and chased him out of the house
Man Arrested for Breaking Into Oregon Homes, Drinking Liquor and Using Hot Tub—All While Naked
Date: 1/5/2015
Location: Keizer, Ore
Crime: Burglary
Ratchet Meter: 6
A man was arrested in Oregon after breaking into two homes, guzzling liquor, and lounging in one of the home's hot tub. Oh, and he did all of this while completely naked.
The Associated Press reports that police fielded a 911 call from a woman who was house-sitting a Keizer, Ore. home. The woman said the door to the home's laundry room slammed shut when she went to check on suspicious noises, prompting her to arm herself with a knife and phone both her husband and the authorities.
Responding officers arrived and arrested Guillermo Brambila Lopez, concluding that he accessed the home by removing a screen from the back window. Worse, police determined that Lopez had broken into a neighbor's home in the same fashion, drinking booze and using the shower and aforementioned hot tub.
No word on what happened to Lopez's clothes.
[via Associated Press]
Early "Father of the Year" Contender Arrested for Trying to Burglarize Home While Carrying Infant Son
Date: 1/6/2015
Location: St. Petersburg, Fla.
Crime: Burglary and aggravated assault
Ratchet Meter: 7
A reckless Florida man was arrested for trying to rob someone with his infant son in tow.
The Tampa Tribune reports that Corey James Earl Matthews of St. Petersburg, Fla. was playing lookout while another man tried to break into a home. In a bizarre detail, Matthews was holding a car carrier which contained his five-month-old son. Matthews alerted his criminal companion at the sight of the homeowner and the two dashed down an alley.
However, when the homeowner pursued them and dialed 911, Matthews placed the child on the ground and pulled out a knife, threatening to kill the man if he proceeded. At that point, the man stopped and Matthews fled with his baby.
Matthews was eventually arrested after the homeowner identified him, son and knife still in hand. He faces charges for burglary and aggravated assault, and conveniently violated his probation with this latest incident. His accomplice has been identified, but has yet to be charged.
As for the little boy, he's been turned over to his mother. Thank God.
[via Tampa Tribune]
Man Arrested for Enabling Underage Drinking at Daughter's Playboy Mansion-Themed Birthday Party
Date: 1/2/2015
Location: Poway, Calif.
Crime: Hosting a party for underage drinking
Ratchet Meter: 6
A California teen's over-the-top 18th birthday celebration, complete with scantily clad teens and underage drinking, ended with her father's arrest.
ABC10 reports that deputies with the San Diego County Sheriff's Office were summoned to Olivia Lake's Playboy Mansion-inspired party (“Liv's Playboy Mansion,” to be exact) last Friday night. Upon arriving at the Poway, Calif. home, authorities found roughly 200 teens, including many who were drinking and a collection of girls dressed in…well, barely dressed. In addition, two boys were found passed out and intoxicated inside of the home. Also worth noting: Lake's father was present for all of this.
Jeff Lake, an attorney specializing in cases which involve medical marijuana, was arrested and charged for hosting a party rife with underage drinking. If convicted, he faces up to six months in jail. Although it's unknown if Lake's mother, ex-Poway High School PTA president Jacki Lake, was present, police told ABC 10 that other adults were in attendance.
It's almost eerie how reminiscent of The O.C. this is.
[via ABC10]
Florida Man Charged with Murder After Throwing Daughter Off Bridge
Date: 1/8/2015
Location: Tampa, Fla.
Crime: First-degree murder, aggravated fleeing and eluding police, and aggravated assault with a motor vehicle on a law enforcement officer
Ratchet Meter: 10
Authorities in Florida say a man hurled his daughter off a bridge early yesterday morning, killing the girl.
The Associated Press reports that 25-year-old John Jonchuck of Tampa, Fla. sped up to a bridge over Tampa Bay in his car, stopping before an officer could pull him over. Jonchuck then exited the vehicle and removed his 5-year-old daughter, Phoebe, from it before throwing off the bridge.
The girl fell an estimated 60 feet, and her body was recovered about a mile away roughly 90 minutes later. Despite emergency responders' attempts to resuscitate her, she was pronounced dead just before 3 a.m.
According to St. Petersburg police Chief Anthony Holloway, Jonchuck got back into his vehicle and drove off, even driving directly towards responding officers at one point. After a brief chase, Jonchuck was arrested and returned to St. Petersburg, Fla. for questioning.
Johncuck has been charged with first-degree murder, aggravated fleeing and eluding police, and aggravated assault with a motor vehicle on a law enforcement officer.
[via Associated Press]
New Jersey Man Arrested for Driving Drunk on New Year's Eve Claims "Everyone" Does It
Date: 12/31/2014
Location: Vineland, N.J.
Crime: DUI, reckless driving, refusal to take a road test
Ratchet Meter: 9
A New Jersey man busted for DUI on New Year's Eve tried to talk his way out of an arrest by claiming that it's something everyone does.
The Associated Press reports that police pulled Daniel Pratts over in Vineland, N.J. after he neglected to stop at a stop sign. The Daily Journal adds that Pratts, showing all of the tell-tale signs of drunkenness, denied drinking that night. However, he was taken back to police headquarters after failing a sobriety test.
As he was being processed, Pratts, attempting to play lawyer, tried to justify his behavior with this rationale: “It’s New Year’s Eve, everyone drives drunk.”
According to the Associated Press, Pratts faces charges for reckless driving and refusing to take a road test in addition to the DUI charge.
[via Associated Press and The Daily Journal]
A Woman Named McBurnie Was Arrested for McBurning Down Her Apartment Building
Date: 1/6/2015
Location: Lewiston, Maine
Crime: Arson
Ratchet Meter: 9
Police may call Jackie McBurnie a criminal, but we call her a woman fulfilling her destiny. McBurnie was arrested earlier this weekend for arson. The hilariously named woman allegedly committed the not-so-funny offense of burning down her apartment building on New Years Day.
Police have only charged McBurnie with one count of arson so far, but they believe she started two fires that day. The first began in her kitchen, and the fire department was able to put it out with only minor damage. The second, sparked 10 hours later, began in her bedroom and took down the whole damn building.
It doesn't end there, though. When McBurnie lived in a different building in September another fire started on the deck near her apartment. She hadn't been a suspect, but something tells us that will change.
Let's just hope her name never does.
[via Jezebel]
Man in "I Have Drugs" Shirt Charged with Drug Possession
Date: 1/7/2015
Location: Hudson, Fla.
Crime: Possession of marijuana and meth
Ratchet Meter: 8
Criminals wear the darndest things. Some recent face-palm fashion flubs include one guy getting busted for a homemade meth lab while wearing a Breaking Bad shirt, while another guy got a new mugshot taken, wearing a t-shirt with his old mugshot on it. This time a Florida man was arrested for drugs while sporting an inconspicuous “I have Drugs” shirt.
50-year-old John Balmer was arrested in a Kmart after police found marijuana and meth on him. According to the arrest report Balmer saw the officers and tried to get rid of the drugs by handing it to the person standing behind him in line. But of course that failed so he then went to pay for his items and put the bag of drugs on the floor. It was then that officers approached him and store workers told them about the bag.
Might we suggest a "Somebody that loves me went to Florida and all I got was this shirt" next time?
[via The Concourse]
This Armed Robbery Suspect Is Being Tracked Down by His Pink Foamposites
Date: 12/14/2014
Location: La Vergne, Tenn.
Crime: Armed robbery
Ratchet Meter: 6
A pair of sneakers is being used as key information to help track down an armed robbery suspect.
The criminal was dressed in mostly all-black attire when he was captured on camera robbing a convenience store in the early morning of December 14 in La Vergne, Tenn.
The suspect, who's believed to be a black male in his late teens or early 20s, kept most of his face hidden with a hoodie. But one conspicuous detail may just give him away: Pink Foamposites.
That's right. The armed robbery suspect actually wore Pink Foams when he committed the crime.
Authorities have not yet made any arrests, but believe two other men entered the store with the pink sneaker-wearing criminal. It's believed that a fourth person was also involved with the robbery as the driver of the getaway car.
