Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes smuggling liquid cocaine disguised as rum, breaking into a house to choke a barking dog, and hitting a pregnant woman with a chicken sandwich. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
Man Bitten, Arrested After Breaking Into Neighbor's Home to Silence Barking Dog
Date: 11/28/2014
Location: Portsmouth, N.H.
Crime: Simple assault, burglary, and cruelty to animals
Ratchet Meter: 4
Police in New Hampshire say a man broke into a neighbor's home in a haphazard attempt to choke a barking Shih Tzu.
According to WCSH, Roger Pelletier broke into his neighbor's Portsmouth home on Friday morning to quiet the dog. However, when the 50-year-old attempted to strangle little Oreo, the dog fought back, reportedly biting him several times.
Oreo survived the attack, and Pelletier was charged with simple assault, burglary, and cruelty to animals.
[via WCSH and Gawker]
Don't Start Eating Thanksgiving Dinner Early. You Might Get Stabbed.
Date: 11/27/2014
Location: Wilkes-Barre, Pa.
Crime: Simple assault, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, making terroristic threats, and reckless endangerment
Ratchet Meter: 5
A Pennsylvania woman was arrested for stabbing her boyfriend because he began eating Thanksgiving dinner without her.
According to the Associated Press, police arrived at the Wilkes-Barre home of 47-year-old Jacklyn Blake on Thursday to find her boyfriend clutching a towel to his chest. Her boyfriend explained to police that after taking a liquor-induced nap, Blake awoke to discover that he'd gotten a head-start on the Thanksgiving spread.
After chasing him around the living room, she reportedly stabbed the man in the chest, then threw the knife at him. The Associated Press adds that she confessed to the crime and was charged with simple assault, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, making terroristic threats, and reckless endangerment.
[via Associated Press]
Band Director at Florida High School Arrested for Having Sex with Two Students
Date: 11/25/2014
Location: Orlando, Fl.
Crime: Committing unlawful sexual acts with minors
Ratchet Meter: 7
The band director at a Florida high school was arrested earlier this week for allegedly having sex with two students in his office.
According to the Orlando Sentinel, 25-year-old Steven Velez was arrested on Tuesday. Velez resigned from his post at Poinciana High School last week after police in Osceola County began investigating a 17-year-old girl's claims that he had a sexual relationship with her last year:
He was sending her texts, which led her to going over to his house, Lizasuain said. Velez and the student allegedly engaged in sexual acts, Lizasuain said.
The student told deputies there was another student, also 17, who may have had a similar relationship with Velez, Lizasuain said. That student's parents said they believed the allegations were true.
The student told police that she decided to come forward after hearing that Velez had sex with another student. Velez faces charges for committing unlawful sexual acts with minors.
[via Orlando Sentinel]
Florida Man Kills Himself While Threatening Wife's Dog with Gun
Date: 11/25/2014
Location: Pinellas Park, Fla.
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 6
A Florida man accidentally killed himself earlier this week when he discharged a gun while threatening to kill his wife's dog.
According to the Tampa Bay Times, 57-year-old Dennis Eugene Emery was arguing with his wife at their Pinellas Park, Fla., home on Tuesday morning because he couldn't locate his lighter. During the argument's peak, he picked up a revolver, threatening his wife's dog with it. However, police told the Times that after he cocked back the hammer, he fired the gun by mistake, shooting himself in the face.
The Times reports that emergency responders declared Emery dead at the scene.
[via Tampa Bay Times]
Man Arrested for Leaving Scene of Accident Because Girlfriend Was Yelling at Him
Date: 11//23/2014
Location: Vineland, N.J.
Crime: Reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident
Ratchet Meter: 3
Police in New Jersey arrested a man last Sunday after he left the scene of an accident because he didn't want his significant other to get loud with him.
In the midst of an argument with his girlfriend, 21-year-old David Scarpa reportedly threw his car into reverse and smacked into a pole in Vineland, N.J., then fled in a panic. Someone called 911, and Scarpa eventually turned himself in on the following afternoon.
When asked why he drove off, Scarpa explained to police that he "did not want to deal with his girlfriend yelling at him." It's safe to assume that she continued yelling at him, and would probably do so anytime he's within an earshot. He currently faces charges for reckless driving and leaving the scene of an accident.
[via Press of Atlantic City and Daily Intelligencer]
Man Caught Trying to Smuggle Liquid Cocaine Disguised as Rum Into the U.S.
Date: 12/2/2014
Location: JFK International Airport
Crime: Felony smuggling
Ratchet Meter: 5
Authorities say a man was caught attempting to smuggle $310,000 worth of liquid cocaine disguised as rum from Guyana into the U.S. at JFK International Airport last month.
The Smoking Gun reports that 35-year-old Wilton Sinclair was traveling with two pieces of luggage that contained four sizeable bottles of rum. However, when U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents screened Sinclair, they found a "thick syrup-like substance inconsistent with rum" inside of the bottles. The bottles tested positive for cocaine, and authorities estimate that they were holding a little more than eight kilos of the substance.
Sinclair eventually confessed to being paid $6,000 to carry the bottles into the U.S., and was arrested on felony smuggling charges.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Man Arrested for Assaulting Pregnant Wife with Chicken Sandwich
Date: 12/3/2014
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
Crime: Domestic assault
Ratchet Meter: 6
An Iowa man was arrested Tuesday for assaulting his pregnant wife with a chicken sandwich, authorities say.
According to the Des Moines Register, 21-year-old Marvin Tramaine Hill II originally told police that it was his wife who attacked him:
Hill said his wife woke him up around 1 p.m. with a McChicken in hand. He admitted to police that he became upset and threw the sandwich at her, then picked up some of the bun, throwing it at her again.
The woman went to the bathroom to clean herself up but Hill followed her and began recording her using his cell phone, which he later shared with police. In the video, police saw the woman knock the phone out of his hands.
Police told the Register that Hill tried to coerce his wife into knocking the phone out of his hand so she'd appear to be the aggressor. However, her swollen nose and the mayonnaise on her shirt and face indicated otherwise. Hill received domestic assault charges and his weapons permit was seized.
[via Des Moines Register]
Threesomes Should Never End with Arrests
Date: 11/30/2014
Location: Spartanburg, S.C.
Crime: Simple assault, providing alcohol to a minor
Ratchet Meter: 4
South Carolina police arrested three men early Sunday morning after tempers flared and their tryst soured.
According to the Smoking Gun, 33-year-old Michael Gordon and 18-year-old Austin Adams met Douglas Tench, 21, at a nightclub in Spartanburg, S.C. Gordon and Adams convinced Tench to leave the bar with them, returning to a home in Boiling Springs where Gordon was reportedly dog-sitting.
The trio ended up in the home's hot tub, but the kissing and touching turned to kicking and punching when Tench reportedly told Adams that he "got paid more for his escort services than Adams." The Smoking Gun reports that Tench sprinted to a home across the street, where he called 911.
Adams was arrested and charged with simple assault, while Gordon and Tench were charged for providing alcohol to a minor. The quote of the evening? It came from Adams: "Just arrest [me] and get it done with."
[via The Smoking Gun]
Man Arrested After Stealing EMS Vehicle for Failed Strip Club Excursion
Date: 11/30/2014
Location: Pontiac, Mich.
Crime: Car theft
Ratchet Meter: 4
A homeless Michigan man has been arrested for stealing an EMS vehicle in an attempt to see breasts at all costs.
According to the Oakland Press, the unidentified 51-year-old man found the vehicle unlocked with the engine running near the emergency entrance of McLaren Oakland Hospital on Sunday night. The Press adds that one of the emergency medical technicians left their phone in the vehicle, which allowed deputies in Oakland County to track its location.
Working in conjunction with police from Sterling Heights, Mich., Pontiac cops pulled the man over. When asked where he was going, he explained that he was en route to "The Booby Trap to see a dancer." Oakland County Undersheriff Michael McCabe confirmed to the Press that the strip club is no longer in operation.
The man, who authorities say suffers from mental health issues, faces car theft charges.
[via The Oakland Press]
