A Legit Guide to the Marijuana Dispensaries of S.F.

Medical marijuana dispensaries in San Francisco are in an awkward stage right now. Like the first dance of middle school, there is a feeling of tense, yet optimistic anticipation in the air. Ask one of these gawky cannabis clubs to go steady with you and the response you'll get ranges anywhere from irritable to affable. Edginess is understandable, as the last big federal crackdown in California occurred under the current administration despite the Justice Department's claims it would be hands off when it came to the bud business. Anyhow, now it's like the kids are sticking to the walls, hands folded behind their backs, waiting to see if the chaperones will let the party go on as scheduled. Bless those who get on the floor and shake it without shame. It's sure a more pleasant experience with them here. Now that my long-ass analogy is over, witness your Legit Guide to the Marijuana Dispensaries of S.F.

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Address: 1256 Mission Street
Website: sparcsf.org

This place is a fortress. Security gets in my face the moment I approach the front door, "Is there something I can help you with?" She won't even let us take an exterior photo of the place. Once I've cleared that gauntlet, the person behind the desk who gives the overcomplicated new patient orientation wears something between a pout and a scowl. They must be guarding their precious decor, which apparently won an award a couple years back. I've been told that SPARC used to be a local favorite. For one thing, you can vape on site, but that's not enough to draw me back here. SPARC offers a unique vision of what controlled marijuana distribution would look like under a police state. Increasing the feeling that this club serves only those in the Politburo is the fact that almost everyone in here looks to be affluent and white in a neighborhood that is mostly not.

Address: 5258 Mission Street
Website: none

Warning, this dispensary does not contain 100% certified-organic products because the FDA doesn't certify cannabis as organic yet. Mission Organic immediately set itself apart for me by offering so-called top shelf shake. I like that, using all parts of the tree. They also have a compassion program, which means subsidized buds for needy people. A little over a year old, the sterile white tile in here in somehow deeply grimy already. The staff are friendly, but the manager is weirdly paranoid. "We're not-for-profit, but I can't talk about it," he says.

Address: 2441 Mission Street
Website: shambhalasf.com

This shop is indistinguishable from several others in the neighborhood -- typical array of combustibles, edibles, and extracts in a space that resembles the suburban skate shops of my adolescence. The reason Shambhala makes this list, and not its various lookalikes, is the employees behind the counter here are reasonably welcoming, although they were not especially knowledgable about their products, their store, or the mythical kingdom of Shambhala. Although this is not your ordinary retail experience, friendliness matters big here. Would you want to patronize, for example, a pharmacy where the staff seemed distant and disinterested at best, paranoid and ashamed of their work at worst? I didn't think so. Shambhala staff are friendly enough that you won't feel like they're chasing you out, or following you around like a potential shoplifter.

Address: 2095 Market Street
Website: apothecariumsf.com

San Franciscans seem to be partial to this establishment, perhaps because it is one of the only clubs in The Castro, and certainly the poshest among them. In my touring of dispensaries, at least two people asked if I had checked this place out yet. Granted, it looks nice in here: clean, designed with intention, appealingly laid out. Apothecarium sports the same kind of baroque fleur-de-lis patterned wallpaper one can see at Grass Roots and Barbary Coast. I don't get what these places are trying to express with this aesthetic. It reminds me of a Paramour music video I'm glad I never saw.

Address: 952 Mission Street
Website: sfmedicaldispensary.com

The founders of Barbary Coast want you to think of their establishment as, "inviting," offering a, "personal touch." Indeed the space is appealing, looking like an early twentieth century cigar lounge, and the staff seem more professional, more serious, and more put-together than the community college burnouts staffing some of those other clubs. The space is absolutely cavernous, though, and they're not yet filling it with clients, although maybe that's not their goal. Jesse, one of the founders, tells me they're focused on bringing in new patients, whereas their sister club, Grass Roots (see below), focuses on the established user. Barbary Coast is personally notable for me because it was the first place in the city where I saw that ornately-shaped-dark-wood-and-intricate-floral-pattern-wallpaper look that several of the clubs in town favor.

Address: 471 Jesse Street
Website: bloomroomsf.com

A modestly scaled space designed in light wood and glass, Bloom Room is like if SPARC shrunk, squeezing out all the assholes and leaving only pleasant folks. This is essentially a reboot and total rebranding of a club that did not survive the spiteful spirits of federal prosecutors.It's the kind of classy joint where they offer you a waft of coffee beans (legendary Blue Bottle coffee is nearly next door) as a palette cleanser between sniffing buds. Management was illuminating on the state of the politics of medical. Bloom Room is one of those get-out-and-shake-it clubs, valuing raising awareness rather than hiding behind locked security gates.

Address: 843 Howard Street
Website: greendoorsf.com

Where SPARC serves the people who merely commute to this neighborhood, Green Door is there for those who actually live there. Judging by the layout this space used to be a check cashing outlet, which seems appropriate for SoMa. While staff were not especially informative about their offerings, management gave me a primer on how dispensaries decrease crime in their neighborhoods (hint: security on the street all day long) and the direction the dispensaries would like regulation to take (hint: more, not less). Green Door gets bonus points for the great variety of facilities they offer. There is a whole separate counter in back for extracts like wax and hash. The enormous lounge upstairs has the feeling of a lower key shared workspace, with several patients tapping away on their MacBooks. If you just want to chill out after taking your medicine, though, the lounge has TV and plenty of inane little coffee table books with nice, big pictures.

Address: 502 14th Street
Website: theloveshackcooperative.com

At twelve years old The Love Shack is truly venerable among SF canna clubs. The overheads must be low at this tiny hole in the wall. With a floor plan barely big enough for me, my photographer, the door guard, and one other client to squeeze in, The Love Shack nonetheless has a full line of the usual nugs, edibles, and extracts. It should be noted that Love Shack bosses do not want me to write up their establishment. This insistence on keeping a low profile may account for how this place survived the tumultuous last decade of medical marijuana in California.

Address: 1077 Post Street
Website: grassrootssf.com

The older sister of Barbary Coast, Grass Roots has weathered 9-plus years smack dab in the heart of the Tenderloin (a neighborhood that does a lot of dabbing of smack, in case you're not familiar). Grass Roots is smaller than Barbary, and this scale works for them. Staff are knowledgeable and even go so far as to tell you about their personal experiences with any products they've tried. This strikes me as the responsible choice when a lot of new patients are unfamiliar with how dosages are quantified. Grass Roots' longevity must be partly attributable to their good neighbor relations. A woman comes in with her dog and staff clearly know them both. I ask the budtender where that lovely fried chicken smell is coming from. He tells me a patient makes it and brings it for them everyday. Now that's community.

Address: 4218 Mission Street
Website: thegreencross.org

One of those new, fancy-looking clubs, these guys take the cake for being helpful, welcoming, and well informed. Plus they do neighborhood improvements like putting in new sidewalks. And they make all their edibles in-house, at a separate facility, of course. Really they won my heart, and the #1 position on this list, with their selection of savory, not sweet, edibles. Care for a medicated cashew, anyone?