Hella Bandwidth: The Week In Internet Foolishness

If you're looking to make an extra $1,500, you're in luck as this oh-so-charming single gent from Austin is looking for someone who can find him a special lady friend. By special, I mean that she can't be fat, must have long hair, be feminine, can't want babies, better be employed, should not have any tattoos unless it's like a butterfly or something, can't gamble, can't have ever had a threesome, and cannot maintain any type of friendship with an ex. And of course, she should be white or the closet thing to that. As the guy "Sleepless In Austin" (yes, he loves [that] movie) writes on his site, "I will date any other race, Hispanic, Mexican, Spanish, Russian, Italian, French, European, White, whatever, anything except Black." How about only two of what was listed constitutes as race? In any event, if you fit the bill, that $1,500 is yours. Uh, good luck?

New York Post reporter Stephanie Smith has had so many of our social media feeds stuck on the subject of her blog, 300sandwiches.com, a site she started to chronicle her push to get a proposal out of her live-in boyfriend, one sandwich at a time. You see, at one point Smith's man told her, "Honey, you're 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!" Then came the blog, a bunch of recipes, the subsequent Post article that went viral— and, oh yeah, the obvious pursuit of a deal for a cookbook as a result of this stunt. Stephanie has since wrote a post asking "What's the big deal?" King of the Trolls, Smith is.

On Drake's latest, Nothing Was The Same, the Taylor Swift of Rap called out a beautiful waitress on the track "From Time" featuring Jhené Aiko, saying: "The one that I needed was Courtney from Hooters on Peach Street/I've always been feeling like she was the piece to complete me/Now she engaged to be married, what's the rush on commitment?" Not surprisingly, the Internet found her—and now she's currently being bombarded by psychotic Drake fans who are mad at her for not being with Drake. She's taking it all in stride, but I would've cursed a few of you out.

Ivan Lewis is a cheating ass cheater who found himself on the outs with his wife following the aforementioned infidelity. He wants her back and the apparent method of doing so is netting 10,000 likes of the picture in which he admits that he cheated on her with some alleged ugly woman. So a public shaming of him, the woman in question, and an ego boost to the afflicted wife is the ticket to a second marriage? Be still, my heart.

Ever so calculated and media savvy New Jersey Senatorial candidate Cory Booker has seen his private DMs with a 26-year-old stripper from Oregon go public. I know what you're thinking, and no, it has absolutely nothing to do with those random gay rumors he already dismissed years ago but have since resurfaced. It's merely a coincidence. Mayor Booker told Lynsie Lee the stripper that "the East Coast loves you, and by the East Coast, I mean me." She replied: "Well, now I'm blushing :)" Booker wrote back: "It's only fair." Scandal! In a statement, a rep for future Sen. Booker said, "The mayor talks with people from all walks of life on Twitter. The most shocking part of the story was learning that there is a vegan strip club in Portland."

Big Freedia, aka the Queen Diva of New Orleans Bounce, gathered 358 fans in NYC's Herald Square on Wednesday in an effort to set the world record for "Most People Twerking Simultaneously" in one spot. The event was also held to help promote the premiere of Freedia's upcoming Fuse reality TV series set for Oct. 2. There's a bit of a discrepancy over who set the record—Freedia or the gathering held at the recent Teen Choice Awards. Bump that, Freedia wins because somebody's 80-something granny was out chea twerking with the youth. Round of applause, your elders can still make that ass clap.

Former First Lady of Turks and Caicos and The Player's Club, LisaRaye, didn't take a snub by her Single Ladies co-star Charity Shea lightly. Charity took to Instagram to salute the cast of the VH1 scripted series—only she left out the star of the show. In turn, LisaRaye called her out and wrote amongst many other things, "Seems like you forgot who was #1 on the call sheet." At the end of her dart throwing, Raye asked, "Am I wrong y'all?" Wrong for being offended? No. Wrong for calling out your co-star online for the world to see? Depends on whether or not you want to be known for not getting along with yet another cast member on your show. Word to Stacey Dash. Although I would excuse that, LisaRaye. After all, she likes Mitt Romney and hates Oprah.

I like Gawker as much as any other college-educated, snarky asshole, but there's something off-putting about their newly initiated Privilege Tournament—which allows readers to play the game of oppression olympics, presumably to mock the practice. As one Slate writer put it, the tournament illustrates "that privilege has failed as a social justice strategy, at least outside of more nuanced environs like the academy" and says "once Gawker declares the 'winner,' let's put down the privilege scorecard and move on. The game's not fun anymore." In other words, from one white guy to another, I feel you, bro. As silly as the game of who's got it worse can be at times, having white men satirize it shows why the word "privilege" isn't going anywhere anytime soon. As a Gawker commenter noted: "A white man made the game; set up the categories and tells us to fight it out. Sounds about right."

Rihanna, aka the Maleficent of Pop Music, has long been known as a shady queen but has recently developed a bit of a reputation of being somewhat of a cyber bully. Case in point, her mocking Teyana Taylor's Instagram video that featured the G.O.O.D. music artist cover Anita Baker's "Caught Up In The Rapture" by having her male stylist dress in drag and sound like a damn fool. Is Rihanna, who currently rocks a mullet, really the person who ought to be poking fun at someone else's voice and choices in weave? In any event, Teyana called her out, Rihanna called her broke, and Teyana threatened to knock the taste out of her mouth while mocking her abuse at the hands of her homeboy and Rihanna's ex, Chris Brown. One came across as bitchy, petty and potentially immensely insecure, and the other, hot tempered and insensitive. Who won this Twitter war? The bored people at their desks, watching those two act a damn fool in real time as they wait out the clock to go home. Thanks, ladies.

A baboon tried to cop a feel on a reporter during a local FOX News segment, tickling perverts the world over. While small-minded folks loathe any comparisons to primates, as fate would have it, another video of a dude copping a feel of his girlfriend's breasts during a recent baseball game also went viral this week. I'm pretty much sure that settles the debate on our connection once and for all.

Something tells me this Jimmy Kimmel/Kanye West feud is a hoax, though until that question is answered, I at least know two things to be true. One, that Kimmel spoof of Ye's BBC interview wasn't especially funny and not at all offensive; and two, the BBC interview with Kanye was worth mocking. Ye starts calm then tags in self-aggrandizement, hops to paranoia, skates to anger, and shimmy, shimmy cocoa puffs to complete delusion. It was uncomfortable watching, particularly as the sounds of "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" started to drown out the audio. They both ought to try again.