Good Riddance: 10 Actors Who Should Retire at 35

To his credit, Luda isn’t the worst rapper-actor; that honor goes to a certain G-Unit capo. But the problem with Mr. Disturbing Tha Peace is that, unlike his song-stealing verses in music, he’s so damn forgettable in movies. Perhaps his taste in roles is to blame. Luda is many things, but he’s certainly not a hard-nosed internal affairs lieutenant (Max Payne) or the straight-laced best friend of an even-blander leading man (No Strings Attached, starring Ashton Kutcher). With so many garbage MCs tainting hip-hop these days, we’d much rather see Ludacris stick to his day job and leave cinema behind. Besides, he already co-starred in an Academy Award-designated Best Picture, 2004’s Crash. He should’ve quit while he was ahead.

Saturday Night Live has always featured the token black comedian, and a few of them have gone on to megastar success. Even if their recent movie output hasn’t been stellar, you can’t deny the pop culture influences of former SNL cast members Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock. Unfortunately, Kenan Thompson isn’t even in Tim Meadows’ league. Thompson, who went from being a Nickelodeon mainstay to an SNL regular, is barely humorous on the show itself, so imagine how unfunny a movie of his would be. Heaven help us if the Thompson-starring Big Momma’s House: The Next Generation of our nightmares ever actually happens.

Now that we’ve finally gotten over the colossal disappointment known as NBC’s Heroes, we can criticize the show without wanting to ram our fists into television screens. Aside from our qualms with Ali Larter’s lack of skin-bearing moments, our biggest complaint about Heroes remains this: Why did the producers put so much investment into a one-note actor like Ventimiglia? Looking at his limp IMDB profile, we’re guessing that movie casting agents have asked themselves the same question. His exit-at-35 wouldn’t exactly crash the Internet’s busiest gossip blogs. Well, maybe a few Milo Ventimiglia fansites would hit code-red, but those haven’t been updated since Heroes was cancelled, anyway.

WWE superstar John Cena’s in-ring career should live long and prosper, considering that professional wrestling allows men to keep getting their faces mashed for as long as they can stand. Seriously, Ric Flair is over 60 years old and he’s still going semi-strong. So there’s really no need for Cena to make any more box-office-poison movies, like the charisma-free action flick 12 Rounds or last year’s stillborn family film Legendary. The one-time rapper (notice how we didn’t use “MC”) has the dramatic range of a statue and his action hero presence is non-existent. Just pray that he says goodbye to Hollywood before he makes a buddy cop pic with fellow muscle-bound non-actor 50 Cent.

You can’t blame a guy for trying. Back in 2004, anonymous actor Jon Heder became a cultural icon of sorts after the eccentric indie comedy Napoleon Dynamite ascended to cult infamy. Refusing to accept that his breakthrough gig was both career-defining and career-stifling, Heder tried to extend his 15 minutes of fame, headlining dismissible movies such as The Benchwarmers and School for Scoundrels. Overtime’s up. The fact is, he’ll forever be Napoleon Dynamite. On the positive side, it seems that he’s embraced the truth; later this year, Heder will lend his Napoleon voice to an animated Fox series based on the hit movie. It’s not like he’s got anything else to do.

It’s a shame that the “black action hero” gap left by Wesley Snipes has yet to be filled. And, frankly, until Hollywood wakes up and shows Michael Jai White some love, it’ll continue to remain vacant. Tyrese Gibson sure as hell isn’t the man for the job, despite his repeated efforts to claim the throne. He’s best known for his work in two of modern-day cinema’s loudest franchises, The Fast & the Furious and Transformers flicks, which means that he’s routinely overshadowed by bitchin’, tricked-out whips and CGI space robots. They’re the kinds of movies that wouldn’t lose any mojo if all the actors were faceless automatons; it’s all about the pricey scenery, not the acting. On second thought, those are perfect for Gibson.

Over five hit-or-miss seasons, HBO’s hit series Entourage has turned Jeremy Piven into a star and helped Jerry Ferrara sleep with Jamie Lynn Sigler. Not bad for a program that’s been rehashing the same plot for almost seven years. Ho-hum leading man Adrian Grenier is the least interesting thing about Entourage, which is pretty sad, because, you know, he’s the main character. The forthcoming sixth season will be the show’s last hurrah, meaning its cast will have to evaluate their career options. Here’s a tip for Grenier: You’ll never be Vincent Chase in real life, so give it up.

Is there a genre left for Ashton Kutcher to try at this point? The former That 70’s Show goofball has ridden his Punk’d notoriety into all types of movies, including science fiction (The Butterfly Effect), drama (Bobby), action/adventure (The Guardian), and lowbrow comedy (What Happens in Vegas). As diverse as the films have been, there is one common denominator at play: The movies all suffer from “inept star syndrome.” Kutcher has always been a better self-salesman (frequent talk show appearances, rampant Twitter usage) than an actual performer. So, unless he can prove us wrong and churn out at least one award-winning film within the next three years, Demi Moore’s hubby should aspire to be the next Ryan Seacrest.

Let’s flash all the way back to 2007, when Katherine Heigl earned dreamgirl status with her sexy turn in Judd Apatow’s smash Knocked Up. At that time, she was one of the hottest chicks in the game, but, at a breakneck speed, the once-desirable actress became an annoying cry baby who needs to bitch slap her agent. 2008’s 27 Dresses performed well enough to lull executives into thinking Heigl is a romantic comedy anchor, but her subsequent, unbearably dull flip-flops (The Ugly Truth, The Killers, Life As We Know It) have revealed the overachieving star’s true, can’t-quite-hack-it colors. She needs to fall back and let the industry’s more appealing yet lesser known blondes take a crack at rom-com success.

Other than the Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean movies, we dare you to name one other Orlando Bloom project. Give up? Don’t feel bad. If not for somehow joining two of the biggest film franchises ever, the English actor’s resume would be as uneventful as that of any bitter C-lister. It’s easy to understand why: He’s too much of a frail pretty-boy to command the screen on his own, and too mediocre of a thespian to act as more than an ensemble player. With one year left until he hits the big 3-5, he’d be better off spending all his time in the company of supermodel wifey Miranda Kerr. We can’t imagine a better retirement plan.