10 Directors Who Have Never Made A Good Movie

Calling a filmmaker a “hack,” or a “scrub,” or just downright “terrible” can feel both pretentious and unfair. Think about it, no matter how poor a piece of art is, one must assume that its creators worked on the project with at least some good intentions. Does anyone truly set out to make something that’s awful?

But what is there to do when, in terms of cinema, an “artist” releases nothing but mediocre to full-on bad work? Call them out for such ineffectual practices, of course. Hey, it might not feel good, but they’ve left passionate motion picture fans no other choice.

Recently, we compiled a list of 10 directors who have never made a bad movie, and, once it hit the net, many film lovers voiced their disagreements, approvals, and anger over names they felt should’ve been included. As tough as it was to find a dime’s worth of folks with impeccable filmographies, though, putting together the inverse list was even more difficult.

That’s why the offenders filling out the following rundown of 10 Directors Who Have Never Made A Good Movie are so (unfortunately for them) special. It takes an extraordinarily futile player to strike out every time at bat.

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Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)

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Losing streak: The Wedding Planner (2001), A Walk to Remember (2002), Bringing Down the House (2003), The Pacifier (2005), Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005), Hairspray (2007), Bedtime Stories (2008), Rock of Ages (2012)

Yes, Adam Shankman’s 2007 box office hit Hairspray did receive mostly positive, glowing reviews, making it a possible reason as to why he shouldn’t be included here. But, come on—Hairspray? Really? Sure, it’s well-meaning and energetic, but for a story about sexual awakenings, there’s a serious lack of provocation. It’s a Sex Ed class held on the High School Musical campus, taught by neutered professors.

Yet, it’s also infinitely better than Shankman’s latest song-and-dance grater, this summer’s two-hour-long, plot-less Rock of Ages. Little more than a karaoke exhibition acted out by Tom Cruise and other big-name stars, Rock of Ages skews much closer to Shankman’s pre-Hairspray films, unendurable “comedies” like The Pacifier, Bringing Down the House, and The Wedding Planner.

Losing streak: Good Burger (1997), Varsity Blues (1999), Ready to Rumble (2000), Hardball (2001), The Perfect Score (2004), The Shaggy Dog (2006), Norbit (2007), Meet Dave (2008), A Thousand Words (2012)

If only Eddie Murphy had actually watched any of Brian Robbins’ films before stepping foot onto the set of Norbit, his first of three career-tainting collaborations with the director. Had he done so (and we’re presuming that the comedy legend didn’t, simply using common sense), Murphy would have realized that the former actor isn’t the best judge of screenplay quality.

Whether it’s through dumbass comedic sludge (Ready to Rumble, Wild Hogs) or syrupy, unconvincing drama (Hardball, Radio), Robbins has long displayed an attraction to second-rate material, and his skills behind the camera routinely fail to upgrade the faulty products.

So if news hits about yet another Murphy/Robbins team-up ever surfaces again, there'd be no one else to blame but Mr. Delirious himself.

Losing streak: Date Movie (2006), Epic Movie (2007), Meet the Spartans (2008), Disaster Movie (2008), Vampires Suck (2010)

Until someone in Hollywood puts a stop to their streak of cinematic abominations, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer will no doubt continue to sully the comedy genre with lowest-common-denominator jokes and the laziest of ideas.

Having established a niche for themselves, albeit one that non-discerning audiences like while critics and film purists loathe with intense passion, Friedberg and Seltzer are the clown princes of spoof flicks; meaning, their “creative process” consists of sitting around, waiting for a new Hollywood trend to explode, and then casting C-listers (Vanessa Minnillo, Carmen Electra, Kevin Sorbo, amongst others) to perform sophomoric variations of the hit films’ key scenes.

Needless to say, it’s rarely ever funny. Nor will it ever end, apparently—it was recently announced that the guys are currently working on The Starving Games, a send-up of, you guessed it, The Hunger Games. Somewhere, a bunch of talented, hungry, but overlooked screenwriters and filmmakers are crying their eyes out.

Losing streak: Madea’s Family Reunion (2006), Daddy’s Little Girls (2007), Why Did I Get Married? (2007), Meet the Browns (2008), The Family That Preys (2008), Madea Goes to Jail (2009), I Can Do Bad All By Myself (2009), Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), For Colored Girls (2010), Madea’s Big Hapy Family (2011), Good Deeds (2012), Madea’s Witness Protection (2012)

The criticisms and hatred surrounding Tyler Perry’s movies really make for a curious case. One gets the impression that most of the people attacking his films for their rampant feeding into stereotypes, overdone comedy, and cross-dressing Perry’s Madea’s luminescent obnoxiousness haven’t actually seen his movies—it’s more jumping-in group think than informed negativity.

Well, having seen Perry’s work, we can attest to the fact that Madea has yet to lead a good picture, and even when the prolific writer/director/star attempts to step away from the women’s clothing (I Can Do Bad All By Myself, Good Deeds, and the Why Did I Get Married? flicks), the results are overly melodramatic and shoddily written.

But, hey, his films keep making money, so what do we know? In terms of box office numbers, group think is always profitable.

Losing streak: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), Pathfinder (2007), Friday the 13th (2009), Conan the Barbarian (2011)

It’s not that Marcus Nispel purposely sets out to defecate all over properties cherished by longtime genre heads—the stylistic touches and overblown ideas in his movies hint at a filmmaker who’s at least trying to be creative. The problem is, Nispel keeps signing on to direct remakes, which inherently rules innovation out of the equation.

And those ill-advised decisions to alter the source material result in idiotic touches like having Jason Voorhees kidnap women and toss them in cases (one of the many egregious things about 2009’s Friday the 13th), or abandon the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s gritty, sleazy naturalism in favor of glossy cinematography and an ear-pummeling score in his 2003 redo of the 1974 horror classic.

Losing streak: Calendar Girl (1993), See Spot Run (2001), Malibu’s Most Wanted (2003), Big Momma’s House 2 (2006), Deck the Halls (2006), Big Mommas: Like Fathers, Like Son (2011)

For basketball superstar Kevin Durant’s sake, keep your fingers crossed that John Whitesell’s next film, the Durant-starring kiddie comedy Thunderstruck, never sees the light of day. Because if the director’s past works are any indication, the Oklahoma City Thunder forward’s reputation will most certainly be scathed.

Just look at what Malibu’s Most Wanted did to Jamie Kennedy, who’d previously earned some good will via the 1996 horror smash Scream. Or Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick, whose Whitesell-helmed, 2006 flop Deck the Halls all but guaranteed that neither actor get to headline a major studio comedy again.

We’d advise Durant to give Martin Lawrence a call and ask, “Hey, Mr. Lawrence, do you have any new movies on the way?” The veteran funnyman’s response of, “Well, I’m really hoping to make Bad Boys III, because I need it,” would most likely be followed by, “That’s the price you pay for making two Big Momma’s House sequels with John Whitesell.”

Losing streak: Home Alone 3 (1997), Never Been Kissed (1999), Big Momma’s House (2000), Scooby-Doo (2002), Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004), Yours, Mine & Ours (2005), Beverly Hills Chihuahua (2008), The Smurfs (2011)

The Smurfs don’t count as animals, right? For the sake of our case against Raja Gosnell, let’s consider the little blue creatures as such. In last year’s hit kids’ film The Smurfs, Gosnell bestowed the same kinds of corny one-liners and desecration of childhood nostalgia upon Smurfette’s crew that he did to our beloved Great Dane pal Scooby Doo in two equally poor films. Lovers of cute, pint-sized canines were treated with similar disrespect in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Not that Gosnell is any better with flesh-and-blood human characters. From overseeing one of Martin Lawrence’s worst comedies (Big Momma’s House) to turning Dennis Quaid into a one-note slapstick joke in 2005’s abysmal family nightmare Yours, Mine & Ours, the director’s ability to lower all of those around him knows no species-specifics bounds.

Losing streak: Simon Birch (1998), Daredevil (2003), Ghost Rider (2007), When in Rome (2010)

Mark Steven Johnson is a filmmaker who comic book aficionados wish they could support. After all, he directed a pair of big-budget flicks based on two of Marvel’s coolest characters, Daredevil and Ghost Rider.

With the former, specifically, Johnson had the chance to craft a dark, complicated movie about a fascinating, bold superhero, one that deserves a film on par with Christopher Nolan’s Dark Knight series. But all he could muster was a derivative pic in which Ben Affleck looks confused, Colin Farrell overacts, and the action sequences are incoherently stylized.

To be fair, Daredevil feels like Batman Begins when evaluated against Johnson’s most recent misfire, the 2010 romantic comedy When in Rome, which somehow made Kristen Bell unappealing. Explain that one to us.

Losing streak: Problem Child 2 (1991), Beethoven (1992), The Flintstones (1994), Jingle All the Way (1996), The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000), Snow Dogs (2002), Are We There Yet? (2005), The Spy Next Door (2010)

You’d think that Brian Levant was picked on a lot as a kid, the way he consistently directs painful family flicks aimed at youngsters but devoid of any craftsmanship. As if he’s secretly punishing pre-teens and other little ones unfortunate enough to watch his films beyond the age of six.

Levant’s “best” pics, Beethoven and The Flintstones, are tolerable if you’re still in kindergarten. But otherwise, his penchants for moronic storytelling, formulaic direction, and pulling the most unbearably cheesy performances out of talented actors like John Goodman, Charles Grodin, and Jackie Chan are inexcusable.

Losing streak: German Fried Movie (1991), Barschel – Mord in Genf? (1993), Amoklauf (1994), Das Erste Semester (1997), Sanctimony (2000), Blackwoods (2002), Heart of America (2002), House of the Dead (2003), Alone in the Dark (2005), Bloodrayne (2005), In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2006), Bloodrayne 2: Deliverance (2007), Postal (2007), Seed (2007), 1968 Tunnel Rats (2008), Alone in the Dark II (2008), Far Cry (2008), Stoic (2009), Rampage (2009), Darfur (2009), Final Storm (2010), Max Schmeling (2010), Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010), Auschwitz (2011), Blubberella (2011), In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds (2011)

A list of this nature wouldn’t be complete without the king of ineptitude himself, German schlockmeister Uwe Boll. Notorious for making laughably bad cinema, Boll is walking, talking punch line in the genre community, and, bless his heart, he typically relishes the contempt. In 2006, in fact, he staged a boxing event dubbed "Raging Boll," in which he beat the snot out of several of his harshest critics.

That sideshow notwithstanding, though, Boll’s films truly are as hackneyed as motion pictures get. Hammy acting, zero tension, and low-rent special effects are the least of his problems; Boll is actually too ambitious for his own good. In House of the Dead, for instance, unnecessary Matrix-esque, bullet-time tinkering leaves already messy scenes completely insufferable.

Let’s stop right there, though—we’ve seen Boll’s skills with boxing gloves.