Image via Complex Original
The Internet is tripping over its own dick with all of this "basic bitch" talk. Since the College Humor videodropped, every woman wants to know if she is a "basic bitch" and if there's a cure. There isn't. Sorry. But if it makes you feel any better, being basic is an equal opportunity insult. You don't have to be white to be basic (though it probably helps), and you also don't have to be a woman. Behind every basic bitch there is obviously a basic bro lurking in the shadows ready to ruin our lives with his predictable jokes and hideous board shorts. Here are ten signs to help you identify and avoid him. Stay fly.
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You love Sublime.
Are you the dude who loses his mind when "Santaria" comes on at a party? Do you miss being in high school? This means you're clinging to a particular type of nostalgia that emphasizes your complete lack of self-awareness and desire to run away from adulthood. Nobody wants to sing Sublime with you, dude. Sit down.
You quote comedians and films all of the time.
The most difficult thing for the basic bro to do is come up with his own jokes, but that doesn't stop him from thinking he's funny. The basic bro is the kind of dude who frequently quotes his favorite comedian or film and thinks it makes him cool. In reality, all it says about him is that he is unoriginal.
You think Family Guy is funny.
Family Guy is five jokes told over and over again, but the basic bro has the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old so he's unable to realize that well-known fact. He's also comforted by the fact that the characters on Family Guy are all accurate representations of the various voices in his head.
You talk about donkey punches and the dirty Sanchez.
Hold on to your hat because this is a little meta: Basic bros love catch phrases and buzzwords—especially if they pertain to sex or making a woman feel bad about herself. Be careful because basic bros are all about calling women basic bitches even though he's dating one.
You watch MILF porn.
Being able to handle a woman who knows what she wants is the ultimate basic bro fantasy—one that he will never realize. That is why "MILF gang bang" are his favorite Internet search words. According to a basic bro, the only way to go about having sex with an older woman is to enlist three other men to help him out.
You refuse to give your girl oral sex.
Basic bitches are not comfortable receiving oral sex and basic men don't like giving it so this scenario works out. However, basic bros think getting a blow job is a right and going down on his girl is only something he should only do in the shower or on special occasions.
You yell, "This is the men's room" when there's a line.
When you hear a guy scream these words when there's a line for the men's bathroom, you know that asshole is basic. The basic bro will always jump at the opportunity to assert his masculinity. When put in a situation where it is questioned, he will freak the fuck out and start doing idiotic things because he's got serious issues with his sexuality.
You own a longboard.
What is wrong with a real skateboard? Did you fall down at the skate park? Longboards are for basic bros who failed at skateboarding or were too intimidated to try a real skateboard. They are also for those who use size to overcompensate for their many shortcomings and flaws. (No, your giant pickup truck does not make you more of a man.)
Your favorite holiday is Santacon.
Santacon isn't a real holiday, but according to basic bros, it's the best thing about December. Basic bros hate being alone and thrive in environments where they are surrounded by men who look exactly like them. Any opportunity to fit in while also having an excuse to observe basic bitches in sexy elf costumes is an opportunity the basic bro will not turn down.
You idolize Patrick Bateman.
The dude who is willing to overlook all of the reasons why it's not a good idea to idolize Patrick Bateman is so basic that he is completely unaware of his many, many shortcomings as a human being. This type of basic bro lives vicariously through other men even if the other men are the worst types of people in the world. He's power hungry, but he'll never be in a position of power so he looks up to psychotic megalomaniacs, criminals, misogynists, and serial killers.
Honorable Mentions
You tuck in your striped Express shirt.
You love Entourage.
You wear flip flops when you aren't going to the beach.
You only date natural blonds.
Your favorite movie is Boondock Saints.
Your "celebrity crush" is Kate Upton.
You carry Magnums in your wallet even though they don't fit you.
You eat Buffalo chicken everything.
You own ironic posters.
Your favorite video game is Call of Duty.
You have a halogen floor lamp in the crib.
You still wear a tie on casual Friday.
You wear pleated khakis and free shirts.
You still get excited for spring break.
You have TiVo'd the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
You wear a Bluetooth earpiece everywhere.
You ruined the Chappelle Show for everyone.
You wear a backwards hat at the gym.
You call women "broads."
You "bone down" to house music.
You wear sunglasses in the club.
You overuse the word "epic."
