The Crappiest Rides In "Grand Theft Auto V"

This is not a getaway vehicle

October 6, 2013

Image via Complex Original

Grand Theft Auto V is full of awesome rides. Rip up the city streets in the electric Voltic, or scream down the highway in a fully armored, ground hugging Batmobile, the Cheetah. We can even run over some hikers on our way up the side of Mt. Chiliad in the VW-like hillbilly dune buggy that is the Injection. Grand Theft Auto, as the name suggest, has always been about jacking the best rides. From the beginning, running around London in the 1960s or Anywhere USA in GTA III, it’s about napping the best rides and getting away with it, or at the very least running over everything in a tank.

There are times in Grand Theft Auto V when being chased by the cops, running after your friends, or tumbling off a hill when you must abandon your vehicle for the nearest ride. It’s times like these when you throw some poor sap out of his busted-up Albany Emperor 2, or jump on the nearest Vespa-like Faggio that your realize it; This is not a getaway vehicle.

Here are 10 rides you don’t want to use to get away from the Los Santos 5-0. These are cars that nobody is going to look good in. Because let’s face it, nobody looks fly cruising around in a minivan.

BMX

There are plenty of cool cars to cruise around in GTA V. There are even cool bikes to rae and ride. Jump on a beach cruiser or rip through traffic on a Fixter single speed or get serious and channel your inner Spanish King of the Mountains on the Whippet Race Bike.

BMX bikes are great if you find the rare half-pipes or the rather small skatepark but mostly you’ll find these BMX bikes out in Blaine County underneath some rednecks hanging around the liquor stores. While these Blaine County meth-heads always deserve a solid punch in the face the BMX really isn’t worth stealing. Most of the other mini games in GTA V are well thought out, like tennis, BMX riding isn’t one of them.

Submersible

We were so hyped to get this sub! It unlocked a whole new world of underwater adventure in GTA and all the crazy stuff the developers must have hidden there. Our excitement lasted about 30 seconds. We don’t want to play an ocean research simulation at five miles-per-hour. We want something less The Abyss and more SeaQuest.

That’s not to say that the sub is useless, who doesn’t want to save the world picking up radioactive barrels? There are also a couple Easter eggs worth finding and an “infinite cash” exploit that makes the underwater world worth exploring. Until someone finds the right trench to unlock Godzilla or a giant squid we’re staying out of the damn sub.

Tornado 4 by Declasse

Declasse is actually French for “the classy,” we think. We’re not bashing classic cars here but the Declasse name has definably seen better days. When we got enough roadway in front of us we could get the Tornado to fly, but this old girl’s just got no pickup left. The Tornado 4 is the beater convertible version that comes straight out of the desert loaded with an acoustic guitar and a fresh coat of rust. If you’re trying to get away from the cops in this thing you may have a chance, as long as you don’t try to turn this monster. One area GTA V is sadly missing is a salt flat where we can take these low agility cars out and open them up; That and Top Fuel dragsters.

BF Surfer

Hey beach boys and girls! Want to grab some boards, head down the coast and get eaten by sharks? Sorry bro this BF Surfer rust-bucket isn’t going to take you there. It comes standard with rusted out everything, squishier suspension than a beanbag chair and only one headlight.

While there are some surf shacks around Los Santos we haven’t had the pleasure of surfing yet. If we were to go however, you’d bet we’d grab one of those sweet, brown-sided eleven-foot wide Regina station wagons instead of this rusted out beach classic.

Journey by Zirconium

Taking the family up to the mountains this weekend to hang out with UFO cults and body-collecting nudist villagers? Well then you’ll need a trusty recreational vehicle.

We recommend grabbing the Brute Camper, a legacy vehicle, which has its roots way back in the first GTA games. But if you're Trevor coming down off a meth binge or redneck murder rampage and the closest thing you can grab is rusted out extension to a trailer home, affectingly called by its owners “the guest bedroom”, you likely have the Journey.

This is GTA’s version of the crap-filled Winnebago camper from Christmas Vacation. The Journey can go up-hill extremely slowly but makes quite a splash on the other side.

Vapid Minivan

Unless you’re grooming your GTA Online character into being a simmering-rage fueled soccer mom then there is no reason to have a minivan. Sometimes you just need a spot to load up some bodies, we understand, but use the windowless and shady friendly utility of the Pony work van or the creepy Mexican hit-squad influenced Gang Burrito by Declasse.

Unless you’re taking the family on a virtual hike up Mt. Chilliad there is no reason to haul them around in this suburban slowpoke. Although it is entertaining to carjack since the occupants always seem to be young whiney couples, if that’s your thing.

Emperor 2 by Albany

The Emperor 2 is exactly like Albany’s original classic, the Emperor, expect this version looks like it’s been on blocks for the last 20 years until its owner managed to save up enough money fighting chickens to buy four wheels.

The first time we jacked this hoopty was the one and only time we actually felt bad for the guy we threw onto the street. He still had his orange construction vest on and didn’t even fight back. He was probably glad to get rid of his crappy ride. This busted up version of the Emperor is nothing to brag about. It’s got no pickup and in traffic you might as well be running.

Fieldmaster Tractor

So you want to be a farmer? We still aren’t sure what the hell grows in out in the arid regions of Blaine County besides meth, murder and conspiracy theory UFO cults. That doesn’t stop some down-home fat-boy farmers from slowing up traffic with their Stanley Fieldmaster tractors.

There are lots of utility vehicles in the game, rigs for tugging around planes, Tow Trucks for jacking parking spots and lawnmowers for hacking up pedestrians. The Fieldmaster does have a hitch for hauling around your horse-trailer or generator but besides that it seems useless.

If you’re really getting in the country living GTA mentality go grab (spoiler ahead) the crappy Rusted Tractor unique vehicle and enjoy all the comfort of no suspension, metal wheels and a top speed of about five miles per hour.

Faggio by Pegassi

This one is clearly for comedy only. This is probably the first two wheeled vehicle you’ll see starting the single player game near the beach. Don’t be tempted to try to run from the police on this thing.

It’s excellent low speed handling and gentle hum cannot hide the fact that it’s in the game for comedy sake only. Our only approved method of using the Faggio is featured in the video above. Dressing Trevor up like he’s going to a Nirvana reunion and crashing into pedestrians. “Scooter brothers!”

[Via YouTube]

Caddy Utility

Don’t get we wrong, cruising around a golf course and crashing carts into sand traps is a great way to spend the afternoon. But if you’re up in Blaine County and your primary form of transportation is a battery powered Caddy Utility that’s only used to help Uncle Bubba head down to the Pick-n’-Save and cash his disability checks then this ride is spot on. If, however you’re running from the police and don’t have a buddy with a tank behind you it’s best to leave this ride for the locals.

It has all the classiness of a country club lifestyle without the refreshing shade or dignity of a parking break. These are our number one pick for driving over as often as possible.