If you had asked me a couple years ago to fantasy cast an all-female remake of Ocean's Eleven, I would have definitely thrown in at least Cate Blanchett and Rihanna, half joking. I would have been like, "LOL imagine Cate Blanchett and Rihanna on the SAME SCREEN. Yeah right, only in my wet dreams!" Well shit, it is actually happening, and I am SCARED. Scared with excitement. Can we take a moment to digest this news again? Cate Blanchett and Rihanna will be sharing the goddamn screen. Also, believe it or not, the cast of the forthcoming remake, Ocean's 8 (because women can do just as good, if not better, a job with less people on the squad?), is actually better than I could have ever dreamt up.
Let's break it down:
- Cate Blachett: Cate martini-killer Blanchett. Cate CAROL Blanchett. Already slayed from this movie and it hasn't been made yet.
- Rihanna: Look, I don't even care if Rihanna is a bad actor. Even if she just carries wine glasses out of restaurants to-go in the movie, it will be immediately Oscar-worthy.
- Sandra Bullock: Have you seen The Net? 'Nuff said.
- Helena Bonham Carter: Holy shit, imagine all the weird, gothy vibes she's gonna bring to the cast. So here for it.
- Mindy Kaling: One of those people I never would have thought of for an Ocean's movie, but upon further reflection... Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely. The Mindy Project is not really doing it for me anymore, but I am ready for the heist thriller version of Mindy Kaling.
- Anne Hathaway: This is perfect timing because the era of hating on Anne Hathaway is over and I'm ready to root for her again. You should be too.
- Awkwafina: Definitely the most unexpected of the bunch. Awkwafina (née Nora Lum), for those not familiar, is an Asian-American rapper who appeared as a sorority girl in Neighbors 2, hinting at the comedic chops she has to shine in big blockbusters. An Ocean's movie DEFINITELY needs at least one comic relief and I can't thank this movie enough for casting not one but TWO Asian women. Hashtag blessed hashtag rare.
Now, if you are a person capable of basic arithmetic, then you may notice that the eighth woman of Ocean's 8 is missing. Perhaps that eighth spot is for Julia Roberts, who will make an Ocean's Cinematic Universe appearance. I'm not mad at that, but if I've learned anything from today's casting news it's that sometimes your biggest dreams can come true. So let's have some fun and speculate who could, and should, be the eighth wonder of this movie.
Olivia Munn has this ability to make people (me) shrivel in her presence, a quality that's already overabundant in this cast, but you can't have too much of a good thing. And after all, there are three less members here than in the original movie. If I were to build a team to pull off a heist, I'd want Olivia Munn on my team. Wouldn't you?!
Because there's no such thing as too many queens on the screen. It's about goddamn time Laverne gets her big movie break, and Ocean's 8 would suit her perfectly. Imagine the outfits! Imagine the sleuth-y one-liners!
Because I'll try to cast Alicia Vikander in anything. And because I'll watch Alicia Vikander in anything. And because I'll never get mad at Alicia Vikander for constantly starring in reboots of early-aughts movies.
Hear me out: Imagine Kristen Stewart as the, like, hacker type where she gets to wear hoodies and basically be herself. I would watch an entire spin-off of that.
Anyone who saw Magic Mike XXL should know that Jada Pinkett Smith needs to be in this movie.
Justice for Viola Davis suffering through, and coming out as the only good part of, Suicide Squad. Viola Davis needs a squad deserving of her presence.
Rinko Kikuchi can do both stone-cold (Pacific Rim) and spacey (Kumiko the Treasure Hunter) so well. Imagine the shape-shifter quality she can bring to her character with that range.
The Jane the Virgin star is a national treasure and she deserves the world. She also deserves a spot on Ocean's 8, thank you.