The 25 Most Ratchet News Stories of August 2012
Nazi clothing, violence over garlic knots, and angry strippers. It gets real raw.
Image via Complex Original
Behavior throughout the world did not improve during the month of August, and may have actually gotten worse as the dog days dragged along. This month we learned that Hall Pass is a horribly accurate comedy, that you should be very careful if a DJ is staring too hard at you, and that some teachers really love the high school experience.
Also, keep in mind that an angry stripper is your worst enemy. We're entering the final quarter of the year, which means the alleged end of the world is rapidly approaching for all of us.
Enjoy the 25 Most Ratchet News Stories of August 2012—just don't enjoy them too much.
Written by Julian Kimble (@JRK316).
Kansas Couple Gets It Poppin' at Walmart with the K-Y Jelly
Date: 8/1/2012
Supposedly folks watched as they performed a sexual act—wonder what it was?
Bull in Arkansas Only Has Eyes for Unfortunate Man
Date: 8/2/2012
When a bull decides it wants to have sex with you, you can fight it. But you'll lose. Let this man's nightmare be a lesson.
Live Tweeting the Fisting Trial
Date: 8/3/2012
As the month began, a trial in the UK captured the attention of Twitter thanks to tweets from the defense. The case involved extreme pornography in the form of fisting. Great gems here.
Chinese Woman Creates New Stop Sign with Sex Doll
Date: 8/3/2012
When cars became too dangerous in this woman's neighborhood, she took to the streets to change things. Good thing she had an inflatable sex doll just hanging around.
Florida Woman Arrested for Driving with Her Top Down
Date: 8/6/2012
See, you're reading this and growing angry at the police for pulling over this woman for no good reason. But she didn't have the car's top down. Now you got it?
Applebee's Is Fast Becoming the Most Pathetic Nightclub Chain in America
Date: 8/7/2012
No, really. Turns out that tons of Applebee's locations turn into Club Applebee's after 10 p.m.; debauchery and douchiness ensue. You won't believe some of the pictures. You'll make a face just like the guy in the photo above.
Florida Woman Leaves the Kids at Home to Bone Neighbor
Date: 8/8/2012
Ratchet news is often a means to expose terrible parents. It's also a means to expose the general chaos of Florida. But the best items are those that accomplish both. Like this one.
Pennsylvania DJ Arrested for Assaulting Sleeping Men
Date: 8/8/2012
In a nicer world, the DJ would have only terrorized them with shitty music. But it's not that nice a world, and instead he sexually assaulted all of them.
Orange County Mother Convicted for Crossing Line With Son's Friend
Date: 8/10/2012
Things pulled from the plots of bad porn/certain art house films often lead to jail time in real life.
16. Covered in Crisco and Looking to Party
Date: 8/12/2012
Really, he covered himself in grease and told people that he needed to party. So he was taken to a jail party—not what he had in mind. Probably.
Meet Him at the Mall, It's Going Down
Date: 8/16/2012
Actually, you don't want to meet this guy at the mall. Especially if you're a teenage girl.
NYPD Officer Guns Down Dog
Date: 8/16/2012
No jokes here. Just another example of NYPD widlin'.
Houston Teacher Brings New Meaning to "High School High"
Date: 8/17/2012
Makes you wonder how many of your old teachers were moving weight in the trunk of their car. More fun than wondering how many were pedophiles.
Man With Unfortunate Name Arrested in Florida
Date: 8/17/2012
If your parents named you Jackmeoff Mudd, what chance did you have?
Hider Underneath the House
Date: 8/19/2012
There's a Gary Busey film called Hider in the House, where Busey plays a lunatic who hides in the attic of a house occupied by a sweet, innocent family. This piece of ratchet news is just like taht film, but with different kinds of hiding and more jerking off.
Drunk Russian Woman Uses Bra as Weapon
Date: 8/21/2012
If you die because you were strangled to death with a bra, you are entitled to a ratchet burial and ratchet grave stone. In the afterlife, you'll be championed as the person to die in the most ratchet fashion—no one knows what the winner of that title gets. But it's gotta be something good.
9. Day Care Workers Charged After "Toddler Fight Club" Video Emerges in Delaware
Date: 8/21/2012
Hands down, this is the worst thing to happen in ratchet toddler news all year. Those kids are going to be heartbroken.
Stripper Won't Take "No" for an Answer
Date: 8/24/2012
This grim story will have you thinking twice before turning down a lap dance. Because it's easier to pay for a lap dance than it is to get robbed at gunpoint.
Minnesota Man's Trip Downtown Lands Him in Jail
Date: 8/24/2012
Here's a guy who takes a drive downtown while blowing a dildo with a vibrating device in his rectum. What do you say to that guy?
Hungry Homeless California Man Chokes Out Pelican
Date: 8/27/2012
If you're a cop, what do you do with this? Arrest him? Or help him grill the pelican? Cali cops took the easy way out...
Man Fails at Attempt to Start Sasquatch Rumors by Dressing as Bigfoot
Date: 8/28/2012
The hardest part about starting a Bigfoot hoax is getting hit by the cars.
Two Men in Times Square Fight with Crutches
Date: 8/28/2012
This is only news to people that haven't spent much time in Times Square. If you've strolled through you'd be all, "Oh, sure—I know both those guys."
Tampa Strippers Pissed that the GOP Isn't Spending Enough Money
Date: 8/28/2012
Somewhere, Jon Stewart is crying.
Pizza Delivery Person Assaulted for Forgetting the Garlic Knots
Date: 8/30/2012
Not sure what the proper stats are regarding pizza delivery people, but surely they must be one of the most shit-on class of workers in America. Just take this guy, who took a beating from Grizzly Adams over garlic knots.
Indian Man Under Fire for Naming Clothing Store "Hitler"
Date: 8/30/2012
First Gunplay, now this Indian shopkeeper—when are people going to learn? You can't freely play with Nazi iconography like there won't be consequences.