Image via Complex Original
In the first few minutes of Eastbound & Down’s pilot, we learn four important facts about Kenny Powers:
1. At the age of 19, he changed the face of professional baseball (by his own admission).
2. He inspired a catchphrase (“You’re fucking out!”).
3. He succumbed to the temptations that fame often brings (translation: drugs, alcohol, and ego).
4. He’s a bit of an asshole.
Within the first minute and 42 seconds of the show’s opening, he refers to New York as “Jew York” and laughs as he tells a reporter: “I’ve gotta tell you, I thought the blacks in Baltimore were bad. But turns out they’re nothing compared to these fags you’ve got in San Francisco.”
That early onslaught of ignorance proved to be just a sampling of the many racist, sexist, homophobic, and all-around offensive statements that would come out of Powers’ mouth over the next four seasons. As Eastbound & Down comes to a close this Sunday, here are 25 of Kenny Powers' Most Ignorant Racist Comments.
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25. On Oprah.
"Wife, if you weren't married to me and you saw this shit on the street would you try to fucking pound this ass? Be honest with me. Cause right now, I'm starting to kinda feel like Oprah—big and black." —Kenny, keeping the romance alive with April
24. On getting things done right.
"These are the keys to the Denali. If you can find time, I'd like you to fix it. I had Stevie on the motherfucker, but he got derailed. Now it's time for a professional—time for a Mexican." —Kennny, bestowing a gift on Catuey (Efren Ramirez) before leaving Mexico
23. On home security.
"Dude, make sure these doors are locked at all times—it's Black Bike Weekend." —to Stevie, about a Myrtle Beach tradition
22. On stereotypes.
"That sweet tailpipe of yours did have me charmed. It put a spell on me. But all the ass magic in Mexico can't change Kenny Powers from his core beliefs. I'm not an ass man, I'm a tit man. I like big-ass boobs—now and forever. I'm not like a black guy." —to Vida (Ana de la Reguera) on his favorite female body parts
21. On Asian traditions.
"Stevie, why the fuck are you dressed up like the Joy Luck Club?" —to Stevie, who is being trafficked by Ashley Schaeffer
20. On equality.
"Right now I just would like the company of somebody who seems normal. And even though you're Mexican, you seem normal to me." —to Vida
19. On keeping with tradition.
"I'm just doing some PR shit here for the baseball team. Figured I'd dress in the customary, you know, gowns and whatnot." —on embracing traditional Mexican garb
18. On Montezuma's Revenge.
"Do you know what Montezuma's Revenge is, Tony? I've heard it's when a white man shits his pants in Mexico." —explaining the human body to Vida's son
17. On candy comparisons.
"Honestly, this motherfucker looks like a Milk Dud." —to a live audience, on "Sports Sesh" colleague Dontel (Omar Dorsey)
16. On the plight of Mexican immigrants.
"Never in a million years did I imagine myself being in Mexico. After all, who would? Most Mexicans spend the bulk of their day just trying to get out. So you can hardly blame foreigners like myself for not thinking about getting in. Oddly enough, the people here aren't that different from the ones back home... when you get past the lack of interest in real sports and the need to have yellow rice at every fucking meal." —on life in Mexico
15. On the challenges of interracial children.
"And you do realize that if you had offspring they would be mixed children? They could be made fun of on the playground." —to Stevie, about the dangers of getting romantically involved with a Mexican woman
14. On freedom.
"I'm Django Unchained up in this motherfucker—I signed my own freedom papers." —after quitting his job at the car rental agency
13. On family.
"Turns out I got a goddamn stepmom and a fucking Navajo half-brother." —to Stevie, upon learning that his father has another family in Mexico
12. On assimilation.
"And why are you wearing FUBU? That's for them, by them. You're assimilating weird. You look like a goddamn strange sort of Mexican Grimace." —to Maria, on her choice of clothing
11. On careers in Mexico.
"Selling oranges, huh? So she has regressed back to her natural state. Next thing you know she's gonna be in a Home Depot parking lot looking for fucking construction jobs." —to Stevie, about Maria's new job
10. On the role of a mentor.
"You're trying to turn me into motherfucking Mr. Miyagi? Well, Mr. Miyagi was fucking four feet tall and Chinese!" —to scout Roy McDaniel (Matthew McConaughey), about mentoring a new recruit
9. On the comforts of home.
"Maria, you must be pretty happy though, huh? Texas has a fucking weather climate very similar to Mexico. Except it doesn't stink like fucking buttholes and donkeys." —to Maria, about their impending move to the Lone Star State
8. On child rearing.
"I'm sorry if I don't know how to wrap him up in a papoose and balance him on my head in a basket like your people do." —to April's boss, Jamie (Jerry Minor), about why he's carrying baby Toby in a backpack
7. On exchange rates.
"How much does it actually cost to buy a Mexican baseball team? Ten bucks and a burrito?" —to Charros owner Sebastian Cisneros, about the cost of doing business in Mexico
6. On race sensitivity.
"I don't give a fuck about the sensitivity of Orientals. I'm a father now." —in response to Ashley Schaeffer (Will Ferrell), who claims that he lost his Kia dealership due to the fact "that fucking Orientals are highly sensitive... I would have bet a million dollars that they were not a sensitive race of people."
5. On safe sex.
"I would stay away from ass-to-mouth. You don't know what's going to affect her immune system. They drink bacterias and biological things here." —to Stevie, about acceptable and unacceptable sex with Maria
4. On the difference between white kids and Mexican kids.
"I have two white kids, dog. Straight up white kids. And I know they're a lot more fucking expensive to take care of than fucking four Mexicans." —to Stevie, about the cost of raising a family
3. On Native American traditions.
"Purebred. That's what the Redman told me. There's no paperwork or anything 'cause of their goddamn oral traditions, but seems legit to me." —after purchasing a pet wolf from a "Craiglist Indian"
2. On the right to celebrate Independence Day.
"Looks like your favorite star player, slash team leader, is hosting the biggest, baddest, most patriotic throwdown in town. All of Myrtle Beach elite is gonna be there. And guess what? All you motherfuckers are invited. Except for Ivan, because he's Russian. Why invite him to America's birthday? That's like inviting a Jew to Christmas, you know? You don't believe, you don't get fucking presents." —about his reasons for excluding a teammate/nemesis from his 4th of July party
1. On skin color.
"What's cracking, ya'll? Base tan's looking nice. I'm hoping to get there myself this season." —to a black couple on the beach
